Tag: love

Defining Dreams

Sunkissedsoul

Dear Sis,

I am so sorry you were awake in the middle of the night last night; although I am really proud of you for writing the dream down that woke you (at 3 a.m.ish).

The dream: In summary, you and ‘he’ were at something that seemed like Oktoberfest or the fair and there was a bounce house for adults. He wanted you to go in and bounce with him. At first you resisted, but then he took your hand and laughing, you went in with him (quite willingly).

You were a little unsure at first as your unsteady feet adjusted to the waves the other bouncers caused but holding his hands you began to jump together. He slowly let go of your hands and bounced with you and then slowly backed away from you. While he was backing away, you were doing flips and kept landing on your back and you’d get up and do another flip, trying to get his attention.)

You asked him where he was going and he didn’t answer, you watched him slowly back out of the bounce house and out the opening. You looked around and realized you were in the bounce house with several other adults, none of whom you knew, and you wondered how you ended up alone in here.

Well sis, was that a defining dream or what? How many ‘he’s’ have you ended up holding onto the hand of and following them (willingly) into an adventure? That part is awesome and brave.

The trouble begins as you adjust yourself to his rhythm, innocuously forgetting your own desires. Then…how many times have you had the fun and then watched him slowly back out of the picture, even though you were literally flipping yourself inside out to get his attention bc you didn’t understand what happened? This isn’t to shame or criticize. This is to tell you to remember your worth and hang in there for the one who continues to hold your hand…when your world is rough; when his world is rough…all of it.

That’s all sis! You’ve got this and I sure do love you. Now go and remember to love yourself!

Hello grief

Sunkissedsoul

Hello grief. The tears will not come today. I have gotten out of bed and brushed my teeth for the first time in just the last hour. I am in a foggy haze, my mind and heart are cloudy. I have been anticipating the devastation this leukemia can cause for a good while, and still, I am trying to make reality feel real. I know that this will resonate with each of us who loved Kristy and are trying to make sense of the fact that she is no longer physically present in our lives.

Those closest to me have heard me tell them lately that there are two little ninjas battling in my mind. One Ninja tells me to ‘have faith! Be hopeful!’ and the other little Ninja tells me ‘you know how this ends.’

There was always hope. Always faith. I have always trusted that I knew how this would end; in that no matter the outcome, Kristy has always been and will always be safely in the arms of God. I trust that we who stayed back for now are held in the arms of God. That one little ninja is a loud, sometimes negative realist (or doom predictor) who likes to remind me that my version of okay and God’s version of okay don’t always mesh.’ The older I get, the more I am accepting that everything here does not happen bc of God, it happens bc we are mortal humans and in this world we shall have trouble. This isn’t our home, right? That’s what we learned growing up and I believe this is so.

The only thing giving me comfort right now is this image I have in my head. Kristy is preparing a festive Thanksgiving dinner. I can see here in the kitchen, giving everyone a job while she tends to pretty much everything. She is so, so happy and peaceful. She is telling a story and having three different conversations while she cooks (and she will be keeping up with each conversation and making each person feel validated and significant.) She is getting ready to eat with her Mom, our Dad, her Mimi, Bryan, Brent, and all who have loved and gone before her. Of course, there will be God’s peaceful presence, music, dancing, love and laughter and the telling of stories. A Thanksgiving reunion.

The devastating hurt we are feeling now, Kristy has surely felt before as those who passed before her left her with the same sense of loss. Now, no more loss for Kristy. Only peace as she is reunited with those who first loved her and her heavenly Father too. We are so blessed to have had a life of love with our Kristy, and now Heaven is blessed to have this extraordinary angel among them.

In the meantime, we all have a huge Kristy hole in our hearts that we are going to have to fill with her light, laughter, stories, acceptance, love and fun. We will celebrate her well because that is what she wanted most (and she was very clear about this even in her last days.)

For now though, we grieve and lean on each other and get through the best we can learning our new normal. My ninjas have permission to stop fighting and lay down their swords; sometimes that is the best thing a brave warrior can do. This hurts.

Wonder

Sunkissedsoul

If I wrote all the things inside of me right now absent of any fear of being judged an awkward individual at best; and at worst, someone to be embarrassed for…if I wrote all of those things I wonder what would even happen. I guess it’s okay to be awkward but for the love of all things good; I would despise anyone believing I needed them to be embarrassed for me. Acceptance…it matters.

If I explained in detail how last night was abundantly full of love, laughter and God winks that came unexpectedly, after I’d spent a day crying and mourning what my life once was and grieving what wasn’t to come…if I shared all the blessings and struggles within the last 24 hours…I wonder the likelihood of conveying the wonderfulness and wackiness of life with authenticity in a way that didn’t make you say pityingly , ‘aw, bless you your heart.’ For, I don’t want to be pitied; I want to be understood.

If I told all the ways I had spoken to myself hatefully this past week; while pouring my love into others…I wonder if you would wonder at what point I lost respect for boundaries and for myself. When did I make the decision to put away my own self in favor of others?  Where am I in here?  In saying this, I want it understood that I am no saint, nor am I martyr.  I do certainly get my rewards from pouring my love out; it’s oddly natural for me.  What’s not natural is the reception of the same love; or the steady discernment to know if it is a true love being given or one that comes with certain conditions.

If I told you that you know me in intimate, intricate ways, yet you really hadn’t begun to know me at all….that I protected my shame like a champion; would you want to know more or would slowly disappear from the scene?

If you knew how I could feel a billion feelings in a nanosecond and at the same time; stay protected in my invisible bubble to protect this tough and tender heart of mine. Would you run away, stay in silence, stutter an uncomfortable response, or something else? Would you take my vulnerability as desperation or would you see me here in the light that I stand? Would you stand there beside me and hold my hand and my heart in safety?

I wonder what I am supposed to do now.

…

Surrendering yet again

Sunkissedsoul


Oh Sarah! I am getting ready to pay bills and I think I’ve been so crazy busy that I haven’t opened my personal computer since the end of February. I hate that bc it means I haven’t done any serious writing and that’s so important to me. Good reminder, right?

Anyway…I opened the computer to something I had started writing and had never finished.

I had written….

“I am furious with myself this morning. I wonder when the day will come that I will value my own worth.”

“Online dating has made it so we can connect with men of whom we have no knowleged. They can reinvent themselves each time and we don’t have the benefit, (nor do they), of relying, at least to some extent, on reputation for integrity or lack therof.” These are wise words from my dear new friend that my brain currently has on repeat.”

“This notion is obviously not limited to men. It just hit me so hard. My dating experiences as of late have not been what I would hope for at this time win my life. I have met shallow and decietful men who do not affirm their words through their actions. Still, I am no man hater. I love and adore men. Truly. Every experience has held value for me, even when it hurts. The bottom line for me, know your worth, respect your own boundaries, and remember that no amount of bandaids heal a wounded heart.”

There it is! And that experience my loves, came shortly before going on the date with Mr. Married (I did not know, shortly followed by getting a jolt of reality regarding my last ‘relationship’.

I realized my pattern of years of dating men who are really not good for my soul and I think that’s quite enough! Enough of my poor choices and settling, enough of not respecting myself, enough of seeing my dreams vs accepting reality.

I made a conscious effort to let go of the unhealthy ‘situationships’ that I had in my back pocket and have been praying hard. I’ll write more on the whole situationship thing later, it deserves it’s own accolades. I am not interested in being used or in using.

There is beauty in surrender. I needed to remind myself of that. Letting go and waiting…I heard nothing from any of the aforementioned. I told myself not to be bitter. Not to be angry. This is all opportunity for growth. Still, ouch.

Today…I am here. Waiting for date number three with a treasure of a gentleman. He is kind. He is smart. He is goofy. He asks how I am and seems to really want to know. He makes me laugh. He is affectionate and compassionate. He seeks God. He is tall. He has dreamy sparkly eyes and he is goodness. I know that.

I have no clue where this is going; nor do I have expectations. I didn’t expect him at all so I have no right to try and determine the outcome. I am simply enjoying the experience with all of my heart and I overflowing with gratitude for these moments.

I also know we are both quite human and on
our best behavior as this unfolds. Trying to seek adventure over anxiety in my heart.

However this ends up, I trust that he is not a part of a pattern that I am accustomed to. What.a.gift. I have learned the ick. Now I must unlearn the ick and learn my value in healthy situations.

I keep praying that my boundaries stay healthy, that I remember whose kid I am (God, Bill and Joyce all share custody), that my walls tumble down, and that I open myself up to the experience of goodness, no matter the outcome.

I’d like to say this isn’t hard for me. I’d be lying. Instead, I will say this…I welcome the challenge of healing.

What I didn’t know

Sunkissedsoul

Visited with my beautiful sister Kristy today. I love her more than words can say and hated leaving.

Feeling reflective in the car as Stella and I chatted.

I told her I needed to apologize to John, my dear son. I was recalling a Halloween when he was one or two. It was nasty outside and he had a bad cold. He was crying, miserable and wanted to go home from the church parking lot trunk or treat. He wanted to leave. I wanted him to be a happy Tigger and not miss the Halloween memory making. Poor baby.

Stella reminded me I did the same on her first bday. She had a double ear infection and was tearful and miserable. Wise people tried to get me to reschedule. Nope. Not gonna miss those special birthday memories. She literally had tears and snot dripping as I encouraged her to blow out her bday candles. Sweet baby.

Both of these times it was my intention that my babies have wonderful memories. Neither of those events did I trust the process and respect their needs. I was always pushing for something better.

I hope those amazing young humans forgive me for that and so much more. I hope their dad forgives my need for perfection back then.

I didn’t know a different way yet.

Practicing Metta

Sunkissedsoul

Metta. A lovingkindness, friendliness that teaches us to extend genuine kindness and friendliness to ourselves and then outwardly to others. In Buddhism, metta is the first of the brahma viharas

The whole of the brahma viharas are new to me. It’s quite enjoyable to learn and mediate on them….and yes, I still love my Jesus. I also treasure wisdom and learning. Anyway…that’s a whole nother topic for a whole other day.

Today, my meditation practice has centered around this statement; to greet each thought with, “May I meet this too with kindness.’ In theory, sounds super simple. In reality, I have so much reaction and resistance within me that this could be akin to asking me to swim 5 miles wearing 50 pound bags of rocks. It’s a task that feels insurmountable; thus…it’s a practice my soul longs for.

Spending time in quiet breath, accepting whatever comes; I am surprised at what comes up. There is so much angry, so much resentment…mad, mad, mad. There are the regrets, the shoulds, the shames and embarrassments. MAY I MEET THESE TOO WITH KINDNESS.

Hmph. Mental eye roll. More minutes in this quiet with more emotions arising. Leaving. Don’t leave me. I don’t want to leave you. Fear. Arguing. Comparison. MAY I MEET THESE TOO WITH KINDNESS.

How does it feel when I meet myself with kindness instead of judgment or reaction? In my quiet space, I free my mind to do what it needs to do and breathe deep in my spirit; praying and hoping the two find a place to connect peacefully.

This is semi-foreign to me. I’ve done hard work within; I’ve sought and found my inner child; there is still, always work to do. Peeling layers of an onion, I remind myself. My instant reaction…I’d rather peel layers of cabbage. Okay sister, you go for it. This is your work. Be cabbage. I laugh at my self and wonder at my ability to create my own struggles where there need be none.

I’m here now. I am here with the shoulds. I realize there is equanimity among the shoulds, the scolding, the shame and the harsh self judgements.

Thoughts arise.

“Sit up, you are meditating in the wrong position.”

“You are fat. Why are you fat?” (I am pleased as I meet this thought not with acceptance; at least with a bit of grace because I am still ‘trying’ to love me where I am at.)

“Why did you switch to this new job. It pays well; but you are going to hate it. It’s against everything you theoretically believe. Furthermore, why are you 49 and needing to consider money. I’ll tell you why, it’s bc of your past poor choices. What makes you think you will do different now?”

“Why should you be proud of yourself? You might want to consider how long it’s taken you to get here and don’t forget all of your past mistakes. This isn’t a big deal. You aren’t a big deal.”

“You won’t connect like you could, your fear is gonna get you.”

The thoughts don’t stop; yet my timer buzzes. Thank God. I decide to climb out of the negative rabbit whole and process. There is a constant push and pull in my gut. It rises and stops in my throat. I fear that if I let it out it will choke myself and everyone around me.

I acknowledge the struggle between letting go/surrender and control/fear.

I MEET THESE. I MEET ALL OF THESE. I MEET THESE WITH KINDNESS.

I process and continue my internal dialogue.

Why, hello old friends.

Hello Anger! I see you peeking around the corner, you’re okay.

Hiya Shame.

Hello sweet Surrender; I know you are feeling squished down.

Ah, regret, there you are.

Control, hello there!

Shame babies, greetings little ones. Please understand if I don’t feed you enough and you fade away as failure to thrive.

Oh…the Shoulds come marching in – Goodness!, you all multiply quickly.

Fear, hi!

Curiosity, welcome love! Doubt…hey there. Silly, you can disguise yourself as Curioustity but we know you are just playing around!

Dichotomous thinking, hi dear one! I know you are struggling.

Welcome everyone! I see you. Thank you for coming. I MEET EACH OF YOU WITH KINDNESS. What? I know; it’s new. Let’s try it though. Please? Please.

I meet you all with full kindness even when the pull is toward shame and resistance.

CHOOSE KINDNESS. CHOOSE KINDNESS. CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you forget; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you resist; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you disconnect; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you are embarrassed and ashamed; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you doubt; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you feel less than; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you sabotage yourself; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you are mean; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you are less than love; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you feel the “I cant’s, CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When the shoulds overwhelm; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you compare; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you are afraid; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you feel the “never enough’; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you choose the “too muches“; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

When you claim helplessness; CHOOSE KINDNESS.

I love you sis. CHOOSE KINDNESS.

LET HOPE TAKE FLIGHT

Sunkissedsoul

I hate needles. So much so, that I opted out of epidurals and had natural deliveries with both of my children. Needles mean that a person with medical expertise is going to take over my body. Needles mean I am helpless. Needles mean I am powerless. Needles have meant that my body has betrayed me and I am going to get poked and prodded. Needles have symbolized a lack of control and fear in my past. This is all due to my medical history starting at birth. Although I am 48 years young and quiet understanding that all the pokies in my past have been to help rather than harm me; I still HATE needles.

It’s easy to imagine my sweet momma’s expression when I told her I wanted a tattoo for my birthday this year. She laughed in surprised response and reminded me that I hated needles and probably wouldn’t enjoy a tattoo. I thought this was all the more reason to get one. I wasn’t trying to prove anything to anyone. This tattoo was something I felt a need to do for myself. After all, life begins out of our comfort zones, right?

I had a plethora of ideas and feedback about what I should do. I was all over the board with my options. Then, as most things do, it came to me very clearly. Rather than spend all of this blog explaining what I did not do, I would love to share my experience as well as what I did do and why.

I chose to get a hummingbird with the words, “I’m a love a you.” I chose to have it on the inside of my wrist so that I can look at it often and remember. Here’s the backstory…

My brother Brent passed away in 1987. Every single year, starting then, a hummingbird has appeared to my mom or a member of our family on the week of the anniversary of his death. We have always felt like it was a sign that Brent was okay. It has always happened at the craziest of times and seems to be an isolated event. Even this year, in the home I had been in for only 4 months…I was sitting on my deck in the morning drinking coffee and thinking about how many years Brent had been gone. Right then, a little hummingbird hovered around my head and then to my plants. That is the only time I have seen a hummingbird here…until tonight…but that’s another story.

I looked up hummingbird symbolism and meaning. I found that in Native American cultures, hummingbirds are seen as healers, bringers of love, good luck and joy. In central America, they bring love to the person who spots them. In various cultures, hummingbirds are considered to be messengers from heaven, gently nudging us to move on and release the burden of people or things that can no longer be part of our lives. Lastly, and my favorite was the folklore indicating that a hummingbird is a sign that a loved one who has passed away has successfully made it to the other side and is doing just fine. (LOVE).

Hummingbirds generally symbolize joy, playfulness and adaptability; tireless in their effort to find sweetness and as a reminder to pursue our dreams and not allow obstacles to stop us…regardless of distance. They are whimsical. They are magical. They flit from place to place. They fly so freely. I have been set free from so very much. The hummingbird and I seem synchronous in nature. Everything fits.

Then….”I’m a love a you.” This is something my Daddy and Momma said to each other. My daughter and I were talking in the car. I had decided on a hummingbird yet I felt something was missing. She reminded me of this phrase. That was it. A perfect honor to my parents; they are all about the love. I smile every time my heart hears them say, “I’m a love a you.” If I can love others (starting with my children) as much as they loved each other and their cherished ones, I will have lived my life well.

I had the most fabulous tattoo artist and human being help me through this process. I survived and we had the best conversation the whole time I was getting inked. That is not what I imagined would happen. Masked in the covid area and getting a tattoo can’t keep meaningful human connection away!

I keep trying to decide what it felt like. Not painful really. Maybe uncomfortable and aggravating describe the sensation best for me. It was a phenomenal experience. I am incredibly proud of myself for doing this. Earlier today, when I was chatting with my daughter, she made me pinky promise to her demand that I ‘not chicken out’.

I will look at this tattoo daily and cherish it’s story. Whether only I know it or share it with others; it represents the love that has always embraced me, who I am, and who I have the freedom to be. “I’m a love a you” also is a tangible reminder that not only am I surrounded by love, I love myself.

I can do hard things.

p.s. Tonight, I was standing outside by the moonflowers with my kiddos. Guess who came to visit us but a dancing little hummingbird?

Hope has taken flight.

Lovely Me

Sunkissedsoul

I did a thing today… I’m going to write about it before I lose my nerve.

I went to the pool in a black two piece swimsuit. I love two pieces for so many reasons, they are the next best thing to being naked in the water (because that’s illegal in the community pool).

However, I hate my stomach with a vengeance and would never intentionally show it off. Sometimes though, full coverage suits make it look even worse than it is by trying to squish me up in places that need not be squished. Still, I try to find the best full coverage swimsuit I can to hide my body.

I’m so sick of hiding. I’m sick of hiding my thoughts. I’m weary of hiding my opinions. I am tired of shrinking down to appease things that don’t even deserve my appeasement.. I

I fear judgment that people look at me and think I have no business in a two-piece suit. When I stop and think about it, it’s pretty egocentric to think everybody at the pool is going to be looking at me and concerned about what I’m wearing.. If that is their biggest concern, kudos to them and I suggest they get a life.

I enjoyed the pool today more than I have all season long. I wasn’t tugging at my swimsuit trying to get it perfect nor was I trying to hide myself… There is nothing to hide.

I want my daughter and her friends to see me modeling a healthy self image. I fear that I have not always been in this place. I want them to see me being authentic in every way and that includes in the journey to love my own body as the strong, healthy, perfectly imperfect storage for my soul that it is.

I also think Stella is going to be pretty proud of me for not wearing my usual “grandma“ swimsuits. (I think that’s pretty harsh. LOL!)

I’ve been on a journey to get healthier the past few years and I have made huge strides. I am still a work in progress… we all are.

Whether I have been working on myself or not though, I deserve to enjoy my body free from shame, guilt, and disgust. My body is a miraculous and beautiful creation.

It’s been lovely today to focus on what I am rather than what I am not. I’m learning.💕

I’m not in need of accolades. My prayer is that this pings somebody else who also struggles with body image. I hope they are encouraged to look in the mirror and see that they too are a beautiful and miraculous creation.

Another Inside Job

Sunkissedsoul

One of my favorites. You could really substitute any word for “love”. Try happiness, peace, grace, mercy….even friendship. You get the idea.

Whatever the word, it is our own task to find the barriers within ourselves that keep us from experiencing it. It’s never another persons role nor is it our job to decide for others what they need to do.

Currently, my personal word is acceptance. “My task is not to seek acceptance, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within myself that I have built against it.“

If I do not feel accepted by somebody else, I don’t feel safe inside myself or with them. I have tended in the past to become the perfect chameleon in order to appease another persons need for comfort or my endless need for acceptance. After all, if somebody else does not accept me or some thing I have done, how can I accept myself? I must have been wrong.

I’m learning that that acceptance only needs to come from me and not from somebody else. It’s an inside job. I would have said, “self acceptance” but that doesn’t apply solely because I have to except that I don’t need acceptance from people outside of myself.

For me, it boils down to this… Trying to seek God in everything. Trying to remember that He loves and accepts me right where I am. Trying to remember that this is all I need. Trying to remember that I am enough in Him.

What’s the word that would fit here for you?

A Tribute to Friendship, Sex, & Milkshakes

Sunkissedsoul

Thankful tears flowed from my eyes this morning as I thanked a friend for being the blessing he is in my life.

He is my imperfect friend who has no pressure to live up to anything but being him, because his perfectly imperfect genuine self is a rarity.

Take a big, beautiful heart and add in compassion; understanding; trustworthy; humor; integrity; wisdom;hysterical; God loving; creative man who is well dressed and super fun ..there is my dear friend.  See?  Rare.

He accepts me as is.  He loves me as is.  He might sometimes be disappointed for my choices and how they will affect me; at the same time, he is not disappointed in me.  Big difference.

He encourages me to be the best version of me I can be while never loving me any less as I travel my journey and sometimes behave like a dumbass. (true story) We speak truth to one another; even when truth is ugly feeling.  The thing is…when truth is spoken in love and safety is present…it’s a sacred treasure.  He challenges me when it’s uncomfortable and would be much easier to not.

He knows my everything.  My everything is safe with him.  He has never played judge and jury to me.  That is magical.  We’ve all been in a place that we believed we were truly safe with someone…until a dreaded, unexpected moment illuminates a reality that safety has been an illusion.  There was not acceptance and love of who you are; perhaps there was acceptance and love for who they want you to be.  That is not magical, it sucks.

Laughter, tears, and everything in between are welcome. He is proud of my accomplishments, generous with his encouragements, okay with my sunshine as well as my melancholy and super fun to go to the grocery store with.  He loves sex (not with me), milkshakes, animals, learning and laughter.  The countless endless conversations we have will never have sufficient words to let him know that he is cooler and more than he will ever grasp.

I hope and pray I provide the same for him.  There are perhaps 10 people in my world outside of my family that I have this type of friendship with.  I intend to ensure they always know how deeply I love them.

As I expressed my gratitude to my precious friend this morning, my heart was pinged.  Is this not how our God designed us to be in relation with one another?   We are made in His image, right?  I know God loves me.  He made me.  He knows my heart, he knows the numbers of hairs on my head for goodness sake.  He knows my journey.  God weeps with me, rejoices with me, and loves me in the messy middle (which is where my humanness seems to have me living the majority of the time).

Beloved human connections (could, should, can) mirror our relationship with God.  We are God’s heart, walking outside of His body but still in Him.  Our loves are the same…pieces of our heart walking outside of our body but always in us.

True Friendship…it’s a beautiful form of intimacy.  In our individuality, we are still all reflections of each other.  In our separateness, we are still made to be unified.  How cool is my God?  Not only does he offer me unconditional love and friendship through Him…he gives me that in real live humans.

The reciprocity of real friendship is the ultimate legacy to leave with another.  This type of friendship has impacted my life profoundly for the better.

I am grateful to have even one friend of this caliber in my life; sex and milkshakes too.

Philippians 1:3  “I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.”