I just completed my second week as a therapist at Ellie mental health. I’m just sitting here thinking how deeply grateful I am. It is so very different than what I have known since I started this therapy journey. This is what I’ve dreamed of, and what I have prayed for.
While I’m soaking in that gratitude, I’m cleaning… Astounded that I don’t have documentation to do all weekend, and that this is really a weekend to be enjoyed.
Stella and I cleaned the garage two nights ago and she helped me separate from a lot of things I have been holding onto. For instance, why am I keeping a set of plastic stacking cups or a plastic rattle that my babies had… or a headless dinosaur or legless barbie? Every item has a memory attached to it and when I let go of that item, there’s a part of me that is releasing the dream of what those memories represented. That’s an ouchie to my soul.
Now I’m working on my bedroom, trying to move around furniture that’s bigger than me and cursing carpeted floors. I move into my closet to start the excavation. I find the little special box that contains John’s engraved baby ring, Stella’s baby strand of pearls and…the wedding ring I wore for 18 years. These things represent the greatest loves of my life; my original dreams.
The old grief washes over me like a gigantic wave…but I’m not drowning anymore. Its still a gut punch and I don’t know if it ever won’t be. This is part of life. The death of a once thriving and living relationship. A relationship no longer viable. I didn’t choose it and it hurts and that’s that.
I’m making it though, slowly living into a new dream. I wonder how many lives we live within this life.
SUNKISSED SOUL 