And all of a sudden it struck me….guys I don’t know are assessing me online and it feels creepy weird. It never felt creepy weird before.
Hmmm….perhaps I am overtired. Perhaps I know it’s going to be a crazy busy year. Perhaps I have high hopes that people can still meet each other in the real world. Perhaps I feel bad because once recently, I messed something really sweet up because I just plain wasn’t ready.
Maybe it’s hard to believe that there really is something to hope for because I might be messing up for a very long time. Maybe I just want to have fun and soak in all the love. Maybe I’m going to be at it again in another day very soon…but for now, I have very successfully creeped myself out with my own thoughts.
Just happy to be working at my cute little desk with my precious family around in our snuggly little home on this December evening.
This post doesn’t want to happen. This post is resisting moving from head to heart in every way. This post knows it contains some deep potential for growth. Hands on the keyboard, my fingers tap out whatever is inside of me, initially unedited. I am assured that this is a post that must be written. It is difficult to know where to begin when one is spinning in a multitude of directions. Gut, heart and brain are in the midst of great conflict and soul keeps saying, “keep going, keep going, keep going”. The internal struggle isn’t new. What’s new, is is being able to grasp that not being exactly where I want to be is okay, I just am where I am. Honestly, sometimes that pisses me off, but that’s all part of being where I’m supposed to be too.
A memory that I had written one year ago today popped up on my Facebook timeline. No accidents, God’s timing deserves a mic drop, again.
“There is an adventurous 19 year old girl inside of me that really just wants to come out and play. There is also a 45 year old wounded but wise grown up in me who speaks a tiny bit louder that that frivolous 19 year old girl. There is always that “good girl” mentality deep in my heart, even when I am trying to drown her out. Honestly, she’s a little ‘over-concerned’ with image. The thing is, they’ve all been struggling and arguing and have finally decided that they can meet in the middle and explore life. I wonder what this is going to look like?”
A year later…what does it look like? Here’s what I’ve come to learn in the past year about Sarah, the woman. She delights in being playful, yet she craves deep connection and reverent solitude too. She still has wounds, old and new. The martini glass looking patch over the hole in her heart is something that makes her acutely familiar with the healing process. She knows that sealing some old wounds with healthy protection is the best way to heal. She sometimes forgets that this is a very rare situation, because generally, the best path to healing is to stay open, yielding and aware rather than placing a seal over a wound. Besides, although she can’t see that martini glass patch without special examination, she still knows it is there. She is strong, and she is fragile.
She has pieces of every experience of every age inside of her…from birth to right now, a 46 year old woman. She is a mosaic. She spends a good amount of time trying to figure out how all of those pieces fit together to create the masterpiece God made her to be. (This would suggest she still has trouble believing that she already is God’s masterpiece). She still goes to that good girl mentality in an instant, especially when she is afraid she has hurt another. She finds herself slowly transitioning more to who she was made to be and in the midst of that, she fights to separate from living as some other human created her to be. This is one of the most difficult things she has ever done, for in separating, she could be a wound inflictor. In her heart, she struggles to believe that she can’t hurt the dead. She only enjoys joyful magic these days, not black magic thinking…which is exactly what that is. When she deals with this, an image of a five year old blond girl, feeling ashamed of what she did to offend (but not sure what that was) pops into her heart. It’s such a helpless feeling that overcomes her. So, she is likely to try and please even those who are not worthy of her heart. Danger zone.
She is emotionally aware of others, sometimes too much so. She still idealizes, sometimes seeing what she wants to see rather than what is reality. Then, when she is disappointed, it’s because she trusts she will never be good enough to have the deepest desires of her heart. She is learning that life really does begin out of her comfort zone and that she firmly resists anyone who tries to put her in a box. That’s a funny thing to figure out when she still wants to please. Anais Nin once said, “I take pleasure in my transformations. I look quiet and consistent, but few know how many women there are in me.” Heart affirmation.
She is building her prayer life and learning to trust God fully with her heart. This is a process in every way. She often asks herself how she will trust the right man with her heart if she won’t trust God with her heart. She doesn’t know the answer; she does recognize the significance of this question. Her prayers are very different, her tears flow freely and her laughter is genuine and without apology. Seeking God’s heart and strengthening her faith are constant forgings; and part of this is searching deeply for her own grown-up understanding of God and the Bible. She has come a long way from believing that God was a big guy in the sky waiting to strike her down for any minor offense, with a long way to go still. She is learning to seek Him as Father and friend. She has many people who have come into her lives with polar opposite thoughts on God. She listens, she prays, and she seeks intimacy with Him above anyone’s opinion. The conversations grow her, and hopefully grows them but in the end, she knows she wants to honor what is between she and God above all else.
She is raising her kiddos and absorbing hard truths. As caller number two pointed out, those kiddos are pretty much raised and she can’t go back and change what she may have broken. She can only do better with what she knows. She loves them fiercely and wants to be enough, and she often feels insufficient to do this job without their father in the house. This is tough. She enjoys (usually) dating and is wary of how any man would impact the lives of her children. She also knows that coming from a beautifully blended family that the good possibilities are beyond her imagination, she reminds herself that her fairytale dream is not going to happen, ever. She wonders how she can reframe her fairytale. Speaking of dating, she investigates her gravitations in this area with fierce curiosity. She notices that if there were a scale with a man on each end and one in the middle, she drifts toward the middle.
Man on the left talks about men who are Godly leaders are but doesn’t live that way, the only place he is giving is in bed, is manipulative, super smart in a ‘take note of everything so I can use it against her’ way, selfish, temperamental, impulsive, bad boy imaged, gas lights, lashes out, lies, is not faithful, treats her less than and is still yummy smelling and gives great kisses and hugs. She knows he is not good for her in any way, but this tells herself this must be how love really is. After all, it is volatile just like her grandparents were. There’s no inbetween, its either on or off but she holds all the power to heal him, to heal them. This makes her feel validated and important. She has someone or something to save. She is someone else with this man. She is wild and passionate in the beginning and then she is broken.
The man in the middle….he smells fabulous, usually hot, gives great kisses and hugs, sweet, gentle, kind of smart but not really a deep conversationalist, wants to be pursued, drops bread crumbs but just not ready or not wanting to be with her…does want her as a back up just in case. Whew! She wants him badly, he is likely not going to happen but she spends way too much time fawning over him and feeling a false sense of relief every time he calls or texts. She knows he is unavailable, either emotionally, spiritually or in some manner and she chooses to believe that he is ‘good enough’ because she never will be fully worthy of man on the right. This man gets her very best, she pulls out all the stops to keep him engaged. She works harder for his attention than he ever will for hers.
Man on the right is strikingly handsome to her, good, kind, tender, wise, compassionate, loving, funny, Godly. smells delicious, gives great hugs and kisses and wants her best; even above his own. He is intelligent, witty, and has big hands that are gentle. He is trustworthy, holds her heart in his hands with care and has eyes only for her. Their souls know each other, he is beyond what she has dreamed. He might even be special enough to meet her family, friends and fur babies. She considers him fondly and worries that he is too good to be real. All at once, she is afraid and she is intrigued. She is cautious and inquisitive about the extraordinary pull she feels toward him. She does not know how to recieve or whether to trust his kindness, so with every fiber of her being she focuses on the present moment and not on the what if’s. A new kind of hard.
In each of these scenarios, she is torn. She doesn’t know who to trust and ultimately, it’s herself that she doesn’t trust. She knows. She is working hard to trust. She is trying hard to own her story while believing that she is worthy of the best God could bring. She likes to refer to the hard things in life being much like a bear hunt, “can’t go over it, can’t go under it…guess you gotta go through it.” She has a beautiful imagination and in her relationships can use this to create unreal scenarios or to destroy something before it happens. She has a protective reason for this. Control prevents chaos and for someone who grew up with emotional chaos, creating safety in this manner is the logical, albeit not always healthy, thing to do.
She is definitely work in progress, in every area. This is okay. She shares openly many of her thoughts, but there are still many secrets inside of her. They aren’t intentional secrets, but precious things that she doesn’t want to give away to the world for their dissection and judgement. Some things are meant to be precious gifts from God in her own heart. She doesn’t want to risk those things being torn apart because they are part of what pieces her together.
There she is…one year later. Lots of life to live, tons of growing to do and more contentment than she remembers feeling in forever.
“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.” – Psalm 34:4-6
My Momma, kids and I arrived home about an hour ago from a delightful little overnight getaway to Branson. (Side note…I LOVE Missouri~.) We were there for the specific purpose of celebrating one of my nephews who is doing incredibly hard work in his life. He was able to be away from his temporary home for a few days, it was a lovely reason for us to get together. Only about 1/2 of our big family was there, I look forward to the day we can all revisit at once. That seems to be a rarity with the busy-ness of every day life and I am thankful for every bit of time we have to join each other.
This morning was perfect for sitting on the porch, sipping coffee and soaking in the gratitude. The family we are is the real Brady Bunch..a living conglomerate of love. We know how to throw a good, old fashioned, fun party! There will be hugs and squeals, yummy food, laughter, tears, often music with dancing and always memory making. We know how to connect with each other and within generations.
It might be conversations over coffee in red rocking chairs and barstools on a glassed in porch with a beautiful view. There will be cooking together in the big, open kitchen and yelling at football players on tv for some. Several are likely gathered around a table eating a meal or playing Farkle, Dominoes or even Candy Land. The Air Hockey Table, pool table, Pac Man arcade game or Pinball machine make for excellent, friendly competition. Snuggling up anywhere and swapping secrets and hanging out in a hot tub until skin is itchy and cheeks are flushed….all excellent opportunities to bond. Wherever and however the connection happened this weekend, gratitude for this enveloping love overwhelmed me.
Chatter about sports, how healthy and fat the robins in Branson are, comfy pillows and beds, how awesome the hot tub is, where we will hike (and if we really want to hike), that the smell of our girls strawberry smelling hair is wonderful and even the teen boys sweat is somehow sweet to us, how much we’d love to come here again…all of this and more was discussed. We share beloved memories, our sorrows, our joys, our struggles and worries. We rejoice in our love for one another, cousin camaraderie, sweet remembrances, a glorious God who loves us, kindredness, peace, redemption and stages of life. We share wisdom and adventures in school, love, dating, and life experiences. We are simple, we are complex. We are real and back to the basics awesome. There is a sense of celebration, abundant love, vulnerability, and safety that coexists in our chaos. We are a unique gift never to be taken for granted.
A year or two ago, these occasions made me incredibly sad. I no longer had a husband who had a shared history with me and this family. Our Daddy was no longer physically present. I grieved, and grieved, and grieved some more. Something inside of me has healed though, and where there was only grief, there are now cherished memories. The shared story of my beautiful family (the one we are still writing) continues to heal my heart.
I thought about the words that describe our family (those who were there this weekend and those who weren’t)….ALL OF US….I was only going to write a few but my list kept growing. In our family, there is…
grace, joy, fun, redemption, respect, camaraderie, conversations, soulful connection, God, familiarity, safety, understanding, empathy, true connection, sacredness, board game playing, friendly competitiveness, creativity, sweetness, yummy food, celebration, music, dancing, laughter, tears, reflection, honesty, hope, truth, togetherness, reverence, delight, appreciation, gratitude, openness, trustworthiness, acceptance, tradition of love, late night delirium and early morning adventures, love, seeking, reaching, growing, stories, memories, teasing, playfulness, organized spontaneity, real emotion, gentleness, judgement free, wisdom, energy, learning, fondness and HOME.
THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME. So thankful.
My internal world has been filled with an abundance of “AHEM” moments today. AHEM moments don’t feel like the progress I like to feel after I’ve done the hard work of processing; they have yet to lead me to any “AHA” moments; and honestly, those are usually my goal. AHEM moments are more like scathing, scary, scolding, self scuffling conversations that go on constantly between my head and my heart. These moments are anxiety provoking…the kind of anxiety where although I continue to be productive and sufficiently distracted with work, there is the constant gnawing in my belly, the lump in my throat and the uptight breathing that accompanies the tense certainty that everything cannot be as okay as it seems. I went through my day, doing the business of living and forgetting to find my place of surrender, my calm center, my joy…I just go and go and go as fast as I can. No matter how much I do or how amazingly efficient I am, the chatter in the background will.not.stop! That’s my day today.
Writing, praying, reflecting and sharing are healing for me, and I know there is something deep inside of me in need of healing as I write this or my heart wouldn’t be so overflowing with trepidation in this moment. Selfishly, I’m ‘getting it out’ in hopes of being rewarded with peace. Altruistically speaking, I hope the reader gleams some sort of self awareness from reading.
- I made a decision a couple of weeks ago to do something totally out of character for me…I think. As I ponder my actions more, I consider the possibility that this was absolutely something within my character but something I’ve never felt the freedom to do.
- I had a hard and precious conversation with my ex husband today (I still feel as if I am speaking of someone else when I say those words…I’m working on owning them). We are at a place of peace and we are able to ask questions of one another, this is beautiful but does not make the answers easier to bear.
- I have had to distance myself from someone precious in my life in order to guard my own heart. Boundary setting sucks.
- It is less than a month away from the 9th anniversary of the stroke and just a few days away from what would be our 19th wedding anniversary. My soul reverberates the echoes of what my mind wants nothing to do with.
- I’ve been playing Words with Friends when I need a little break. One of the men I have been playing with invited me to download an app on my phone today so we could ‘talk naughty’ to each other. (I don’t know him, he is a ‘random’ stranger from the game). I don’t really believe in random and after I found out his story, my belief that there are no accidents has been confirmed. He is married and wanted to be honest with me, but felt that ‘talking dirty’ wasn’t a big deal. He asked if I thought it was and I let him know that I guess that depended on where your personal boundaries were and that mine would not permit me to engage in these conversations with a married man. We talked further, I shared with him my heart on the matter and my own story. I encouraged him to find out what was missing within himself or his marriage and not go down this road, no matter how innocent the intentions were. I don’t know what he will do, but I pray that our ‘meeting’ was of value to his heart.
- We celebrated my beautiful sister Beth’s 60th birthday this weekend. I have no words sufficient to describe the fullness in my heart that the love within my family provides to me. No words. No matter how many years go by, when I am naming my siblings, I always feel like I leave one out. It’s my big brother Brent and he definitely left an empty space. I celebrate his life in partiality by always ‘counting him in’. My Daddy would’ve loved the party thrown for Beth, and he would’ve been immensely proud of all of us. I miss him so.
- I have haunting background thoughts that tell me I will never be the object of a worthy man’s love, that having extra pounds makes me less than valuable, that I will get Alzheimers and not have enough money to have good care, that I won’t fulfill my purpose before I die….all of these crappy lies that won’t go away. I don’t actually know if they are truth or lies, I do know that I am living my purpose right here and now, that I will have everything I need when I need it and that God’s plan is much better than my own. I KNOW these things deep down but when the shouting between my head and heart gets louder than my knowing, I forget my truth.
So here I am….dancing with my shadows but the shadows mean that there is light, so I know I am okay. That’s an AHA moment and the only one I really need right now.