Words

Sunkissedsoul

There are the things that I dare not speak of in direct manner; for bringing the words to actual life makes my stomach knot; my throat lump, my body weighted and my heart anxious and afraid.

Then there comes a time; the words have to come to life because they are already living a life inside of me, dwelling in the darkness of my belly and trying hard to rise to the top, come out and scream loudly until the whole earth hears my pain.

These unspoken words have a secret power within me; they are my own weapon of self destruction. These silenced, swallowed words are a culmination of all of the things I am supposed to ‘be over by now’. The hurts that I have worked incredibly hard to overcome. The wounds that have left scars; yet the scars are healed. These words don’t deserve to come out….oh….but they do. They are. Little by little the time comes and though it is difficult, it s not impossible as I remind myself that I CAN DO HARD. I have been doing hard, just not in the direction of hard I want to continue going. I am weary of holding monitor over all the ick; tired of my own pride.

What I do know is that the father of my children is about to move in with his girlfriend. What I do know is that the father of my children is a dear man and a precious friend and that he deserves to be healthy and happy and whole. What I do know is that his partner has nothing to do with anything that led to the end of my marriage and that she is a good person. What I also know is that this news has jolted me as if I just found out he was leaving our family. What I also know is that the grief this week has been an overwhelming blast. What I also know is that I am exhausting myself avoiding my feelings. What I do know is that I feel lonely and a little afraid. What I do know is that there is an avalanche of words here, I’m choking on them, and some are still stuck deep into my soul….I’m taking one bite of the elephant at a time.

I don’t believe I have ever had any intention of reuniting with my ex husband, not for a very, very long time have I thought that. I am dealing with that everlasting tape of ‘why did he not choose his own family?’ It’s a lifelong tape that began way before he ever was in my life. ‘Why was I not chosen?’; ‘Why am I not worth it?”; ‘Why am I picking up the pieces of someone else’s mess?” ‘Where is my worth, am I even worthy?’ Then it is this whole mess of standing in the middle of a tornado spinning in all these BIG emotions and trying to ground myself and not get caught up and fly off in the whirlwind. I could kick myself for being here. At the same time, I trust am supposed to be here. I don’t have to like it though.

I know that I am trying to find my place in this world. Professionally, personally, spiritually; all the ways. I feel like a familiar and friendly soul who is wandering and searching for belonging. My son is doing awesome in his career and I see him growing leaps and bounds. My daughter will soon be going to college and this momma heart is so proud of these babies…but now where is my biggest purpose? I know that I am now licensed and have so many professional options. I despise that every time I consider going out ‘on my own’, I remind myself that I am not partnered with anyone and I have to think extra hard and make sure I have things handled financially. I know that I have many dear friends and at the same time, feel out of place nearly everywhere I go outside of family and work. I know that despite my greatest intentions, I have secrets I am keeping and I am feeling like a kept secret. I know I am a little bit lonely and longing and also that maybe I’ll never meet someone special. I know I am trying to be at peace with that. I know I am in the messy middle and trying to find the value. Trying to seek faith over fear. Trying to allow myself to feel.

That’s me…then there are the beloved people I am hurting for. That’s only the tip of the iceberg. I know so much more.

I know I have cherished family members who are aging; dealing with illness; struggling in their own ways, dealing with continued stressors and hurts; just swimming and swimming and swimming and trying not to sink. I really wish for a magic wand.

I know I have beloved friends with full plates, challenges, fears, insecurities, a thousand anxieties and hurts and inquisitions. Making their ways through their own grief and unexpected loss and changes in life.

I know that one of my dearest and nearest friends is struggling hugely. I know that life has not treated him fairly and kindly, he is angry and in his own words, ‘full of hate and lost.’ I hear him more than he knows. The lost feeling; it resonates. As for the hate, whether we turn it inward or outward or even upward, it sucks, bad. I know that this precious warrior is stronger and more beloved than I fear he will ever know and that it literally aches my heart to not be able to convey that to him in word or action. He reminds me so very much of the father of my children. The most exquisite heart that is unable to receive the joy and love it gives out. So I pray, and I pray and I pray to the God he isn’t sure is there. That resonates too. It wasn’t so long ago that I also was wondering. I hope with every bit of hope in me that there is some beautiful AHA moment that brings him goodness and relief. While he is hurting badly, I am brought back to what life was sometimes like in my marriage; and what it was like to not be able to help the person you love most because they didn’t think they were worthy of help and maybe didn’t want to get better in those moments. You know…the devil you know is better than the one you don’t.

I know that my hip hurts and I am fifty. I know that my recent health follow ups were good and I am thankful. I know that I am not taking care of myself consistently and that I am working on it; and the knowing that I struggle is another way I guilt and shame myself. I know that life could be just beginning. Maybe. I know there is a flip side, but let me focus on the beginning right now.

So out the words begin to come. They are not venomous; not clouded with retaliation; they are just words that come with feelings and memories and what if’s…oh but it feels so good to let them come out.

Wonder

Sunkissedsoul

If I wrote all the things inside of me right now absent of any fear of being judged an awkward individual at best; and at worst, someone to be embarrassed for…if I wrote all of those things I wonder what would even happen. I guess it’s okay to be awkward but for the love of all things good; I would despise anyone believing I needed them to be embarrassed for me. Acceptance…it matters.

If I explained in detail how last night was abundantly full of love, laughter and God winks that came unexpectedly, after I’d spent a day crying and mourning what my life once was and grieving what wasn’t to come…if I shared all the blessings and struggles within the last 24 hours…I wonder the likelihood of conveying the wonderfulness and wackiness of life with authenticity in a way that didn’t make you say pityingly , ‘aw, bless you your heart.’ For, I don’t want to be pitied; I want to be understood.

If I told all the ways I had spoken to myself hatefully this past week; while pouring my love into others…I wonder if you would wonder at what point I lost respect for boundaries and for myself. When did I make the decision to put away my own self in favor of others?  Where am I in here?  In saying this, I want it understood that I am no saint, nor am I martyr.  I do certainly get my rewards from pouring my love out; it’s oddly natural for me.  What’s not natural is the reception of the same love; or the steady discernment to know if it is a true love being given or one that comes with certain conditions.

If I told you that you know me in intimate, intricate ways, yet you really hadn’t begun to know me at all….that I protected my shame like a champion; would you want to know more or would slowly disappear from the scene?

If you knew how I could feel a billion feelings in a nanosecond and at the same time; stay protected in my invisible bubble to protect this tough and tender heart of mine. Would you run away, stay in silence, stutter an uncomfortable response, or something else? Would you take my vulnerability as desperation or would you see me here in the light that I stand? Would you stand there beside me and hold my hand and my heart in safety?

I wonder what I am supposed to do now.

…

Always Learning

Sunkissedsoul

Honesty… This has been a gut wrenching week at work and personally. I am finding my way through to the other side and trying to take the value from all that has been happening.

I am learning that I can be genuinely me and love others really hard. Sometimes that’s not enough for the other person. Sometimes it’s too much for me.

I am learning that just because I messed up in somebody else’s eyes does not make me a mess up or a failure. Everybody gets to make their own choices about where they would like to lay blame and about what they hold on to.

I am learning that if there is no space for me to be less than perfect then this is not a space that I belong. I am so less than perfect and will not spend any more time in this short life proving to others my worthiness.

I am learning that thankfully I get the same choice. I can reflect and I can always look at what I could’ve done better. I can apologize, I can make amends and in the end, no matter what somebody else chooses, I have to choose to make amends and give grace to myself.

I am learning that the names people might call me or the ways they may talk about me say much more about them than they ever will about me.

I am learning that only God can give me the validation I truly yearn for. Only I can choose to reject or accept it.

I love deeply and I care about the impact of my actions on others. I believe often, hardships happen because I have to remember to turn that caring and love inward and give myself what I’m craving from another. There are always lessons.

Today is a new day, joy comes in the morning and it is here. Let the haters hate but please, please let me remain who I am made to be and to grow stronger in that. I am so grateful for the small handful of people who remind me of who I am.

It has never been all about me. It is about the one who made me and continues to hold me up when everything feels like too much. Cradled in Gods love, it is here that I reside, I just forget to remember this at times.🙏❤️

Happy Thursday loves.

Let’s just explore.

Sunkissedsoul

“I’M JUST CURIOUS WHY IT IS AGE APPROPRIATE FOR KIDS K-5 TO LEARN ABOUT HIDING UNDER THEIR DESK AND NOT THAT SOMETIMES PEOPLE HAVE TWO DADS.”

I posted this the other day and boy did I ever get feedback. If you have been around me much at all, I have a reputation for enjoying open dialogue, considering other perspectives and respecting those whether I agree or disagree.

Yesterday, a person chose to comment in a condescending, foolish, ignorant and attacking manner. I am glad they showed their true colors so I could see them for who they are sooner rather than later.  I don’t have the energy to fight that.

I am open to learning and hopeful that readers or those commenting are of the same mindset; or will at least please respect these boundaries. No matter the stance taken; please be kind; respectful and compassionate.  I promise it’s easier to hear those efforts.

To all the rest of you who have kept dialogue healthy and respectful, no matter your viewpoints, I thank you. This is how we grow.

Now…I want to address my thoughts on the original post and explain my stance. Not because it is needed; rather, because I believe this is a topic worthy of discussion and I don’t want to take the lazy way out and stop the conversation.

Here is the quote…”I am just curious why it’s age appropriate for kids k-5 to learn about hiding under desks and not that sometimes people have two dads.”

  1.  I read this and thought to myself; “good point.  Why is that?  It is definitely worth exploring.”
  2. I did not even consider it within the school context.  I considered it within the context of the dear children and families I work with.  I thought of it in the context of living in a society where we teach fear, judgement and intolerance far more than we teach lovingkindness, grace and acceptance.  I would agree wholeheartedly that SAFE discussions need to happen at home.  That’s ideal.  Guess what?  It’s also not our reality.
  3. It was said that this was not an accurate quote bc it compared apples and oranges.  I would say it compares physical safety and emotional safety.  Both are significant.  Both are social issues.  Both impact our children on a daily basis; even if we turn a blind eye.  Hiding under a desk bc of danger of death and bodily harm and hiding who we (or our families) are bc being authentic in real life offers us another kind of death…equally tragic.

I am truly grateful for all of the thoughts shared.  This is where I was and where I am still coming from.  Also, if you have not gotten to know someone who is different than you in a way that you are uncomfortable with, I implore you….seek them out and get to know them.   More love, less fear.  This world is scary enough on it’s own.


Surrendering yet again

Sunkissedsoul


Oh Sarah! I am getting ready to pay bills and I think I’ve been so crazy busy that I haven’t opened my personal computer since the end of February. I hate that bc it means I haven’t done any serious writing and that’s so important to me. Good reminder, right?

Anyway…I opened the computer to something I had started writing and had never finished.

I had written….

“I am furious with myself this morning. I wonder when the day will come that I will value my own worth.”

“Online dating has made it so we can connect with men of whom we have no knowleged. They can reinvent themselves each time and we don’t have the benefit, (nor do they), of relying, at least to some extent, on reputation for integrity or lack therof.” These are wise words from my dear new friend that my brain currently has on repeat.”

“This notion is obviously not limited to men. It just hit me so hard. My dating experiences as of late have not been what I would hope for at this time win my life. I have met shallow and decietful men who do not affirm their words through their actions. Still, I am no man hater. I love and adore men. Truly. Every experience has held value for me, even when it hurts. The bottom line for me, know your worth, respect your own boundaries, and remember that no amount of bandaids heal a wounded heart.”

There it is! And that experience my loves, came shortly before going on the date with Mr. Married (I did not know, shortly followed by getting a jolt of reality regarding my last ‘relationship’.

I realized my pattern of years of dating men who are really not good for my soul and I think that’s quite enough! Enough of my poor choices and settling, enough of not respecting myself, enough of seeing my dreams vs accepting reality.

I made a conscious effort to let go of the unhealthy ‘situationships’ that I had in my back pocket and have been praying hard. I’ll write more on the whole situationship thing later, it deserves it’s own accolades. I am not interested in being used or in using.

There is beauty in surrender. I needed to remind myself of that. Letting go and waiting…I heard nothing from any of the aforementioned. I told myself not to be bitter. Not to be angry. This is all opportunity for growth. Still, ouch.

Today…I am here. Waiting for date number three with a treasure of a gentleman. He is kind. He is smart. He is goofy. He asks how I am and seems to really want to know. He makes me laugh. He is affectionate and compassionate. He seeks God. He is tall. He has dreamy sparkly eyes and he is goodness. I know that.

I have no clue where this is going; nor do I have expectations. I didn’t expect him at all so I have no right to try and determine the outcome. I am simply enjoying the experience with all of my heart and I overflowing with gratitude for these moments.

I also know we are both quite human and on
our best behavior as this unfolds. Trying to seek adventure over anxiety in my heart.

However this ends up, I trust that he is not a part of a pattern that I am accustomed to. What.a.gift. I have learned the ick. Now I must unlearn the ick and learn my value in healthy situations.

I keep praying that my boundaries stay healthy, that I remember whose kid I am (God, Bill and Joyce all share custody), that my walls tumble down, and that I open myself up to the experience of goodness, no matter the outcome.

I’d like to say this isn’t hard for me. I’d be lying. Instead, I will say this…I welcome the challenge of healing.

Thankful

Sunkissedsoul

So…I just wanted to share.
I had a first date with a man last night that I have been talking to for a few weeks.
For the first time in what feels like so long, I was super excited and nervous AND without expectation for this date. That’s what I was going to share yesterday, but my jaded self wanted to wait and see if the date even happened.

It was incredibly fun! There was stimulating, intelligent conversation, laughter, a bit of deeper sharing and it just flowed. My favorite part (besides all of this and that he is lovely to look at and smell); he didn’t seem to be running his own agenda.
After dating people who have left me feeling used (I totally have accountability in getting into those relationships) and empty; this was so refreshing. So far, there is nothing about this gentleman that makes me go ‘hmmmm?”

My worry is that in the past, I have misunderstood stable and healthy for boring. I’m determined to stay aware and keep honest with myself. I want to be a partner; I do not want to be someone’s therapist or mother. I am a natural nurturer and a therapist in real life; I just have to remind myself that in dating I want to be a partner in something real and reciprocal.

I am looking forward to the second date (again unusual for me). Whether it is one date, two dates or so much more; I am thankful beyond words for the encouraging experience.

Simply. Beautiful. Chaos.

Sunkissedsoul

In less than ½ a year from now, I will be 50 years old.  

I am proud of who I am. 

 My heart is tender and compassionate.  I am smart.  I am witty.  I am hard working, kind, loving and I have a lot to give.  Also, I am stubborn to a fault.  I can take a lackadaisical and scattered approach to life.  I sometimes am far more considerate of others than of myself; and at the same time can be selfish and run by motivating factors that I wish didn’t motivate me.  

I am reflective, I am unique.  I struggle with small talk unless it is obligatory.  I have been told that “I am too much”; and it wasn’t in the ‘good’ too much kind of way.  

Tears come as easy as laughter. Food, whiskey, wine and coffee; being consumed by work and men temporarily fill a hole in my heart that longs for something deeper. 

 I relish digging in the dirt, breathing in nature, talking with God, reading the Bible and also reading Anais Nin, bubble baths, writing, being with those I love, and being alone with my neverending thoughts.  Those things feed my soul.

I love hard.  It is difficult for me to let go of things that once were or things that might’ve been.  I prefer seeing the possibilities over the reality at times.  

I am human.  Messy. A student of this life.

 I am beauty in the chaos; with an emphasis on the chaos.

I am simply Sarah.

I know who I am.  I know my value.  So why, why, why do I so quickly forget that when it comes to men?  Why do I push things under the rug that I know are harmful to my heart; contort myself to make another person comfortable and chase the love someone does not have to give me?  And, why for the love of all things good, do I equate healthy men with boring.  Not cool Sarah.  Not cool.

These are the thoughts I ponder tonight.  

I was going to write this entire synopsis on my dating journey and sexual awakening; it turns out that’s not really the gist of what is on my heart.  Kind of.

What the gist of it all is isn’t about what the men have or haven’t done in my life; it’s about searching for a deeper understanding of why I have allowed myself; perhaps even put myself in less than stellar situations.  Why have I decided to continually settle, be in relationships where someone mistakes me for a momma or their personal therapist, or place more value on whether I meet their standards than raising my own?

I desire a reciprocal, romantic, respectful relationship where passion is very much alive.  Is it the fear of growing old alone that pushes me into the zone of what isn’t best for me?  Is it the comfort of having someone that drives me there?  I don’t know.  

I do know that exploring the places I am accountable is a good thing.  I do know that although I  don’t ‘need’ a man; I totally desire a companion and that’s okay.  I just need to figure out why I am still so willing to compromise on my ‘non negotiables’ and then I resent the hell out of them bc of my choices.  That makes no sense. 

Wish me luck.  It looks like I have some hard work to do and some healthy boundaries to establish; starting with me.

I’m here.

Sunkissedsoul

Super honest Sarah here…(like I know how to be any other way…)
Sometimes, I feel so close to the edge. Like incredibly alone, like I am on an island all by myself.
I know this isn’t a true story, I have a whole lot of friends and family that are all portions of my heart.
I just don’t have anyone in my head and heart experiencing what I am experiencing and I miss sharing that with someone who REALLY GETS ME.
I desperately want to see and be seen, accept and be accepted, love and be loved in the ways that matter. I don’t want to grow old alone. I know I will be okay if that’s the case; it’s just not what I pray for.
Sometimes it’s so daunting and scary. Sometimes I think about the parts of my life that I have invested into someone else and lost myself only to watch them go find exactly what I wasn’t to them and it sucks.
Sometimes I am impatient, especially with myself.
Feeling a teeny bit blech and trying to focus on the gratitude.

Sunkissedsoul

I’ve noticed that I have gotten more and more guarded what I share when I write. That’s probably a little good and a little not great.

Learning to not be reactionary and to certainly recognize the opportunity that being quiet offers me to grow is a gift to myself….and to others.

I’m debating taking myself off of social media to reset myself. It was such a beautiful experience for me when I did it in grad school. The thing is…social media is a lovely little sense of connection in these weird days of covid and all the other divisionary things so I hesitate to take it from myself.

But you know what…I want real. Real life. Real stuff. Real people. Real interactions. I am not sure the world will every go back as it was; that’s reality. I believe we are made for relationship; in many forms. I’ve spent a good period of time frozen in my personal life and I am done with that. I had a little experience last weekend that reminded me, connection feels amazing. Feeling seen and heard and getting to see and hear is a beautiful luxury. I try to give that to my clients all day, every day and I forget to give it to myself; accepting short term substitutions in the process that leave me feeling blech and full of self flagellation. I think sometimes the brief connection reminds me of what my heart truly desires and there is always a bit of hurt when it is just that, a short term substitution.

I recognize that my love and joy is found in the most simple of things. Wrapping myself in the warm embrace of my family; laughing and crying with friends; great conversation, delicious red wine; a yummy smelling candle; children and animals and the elderly and the crunchy ice on the ground. There is pleasure in knowing that I could fill endless pages just naming all of the things that give me love and joy.

There is delight to be found in the maybe mundane if we don’t see it for the magical that it is. I find I am so busy on social media and the computer all day (can’t help that), that I’m wasting precious time on false connection.

I want real. Real life; real stuff, real people, real interactions.

Is that so bad?

Let it go

Sunkissedsoul

Dear sis,

It’s not your monkey, not your circus.

Let go and let God.er

Release the past.

Eyes focused forward, past behind you. Your eyes aren’t in the back of your head for a reason.

You are no longer in the same lane.

You are not responsible for the choices people make. You am not responsible for anything but your own thoughts, your own feelings and your own actions.

Even when it hurts and even when you can see the train wreck happening… Let that shit go, it’s not yours and it never was.❤️🙏