Tag: grief

Words

Sunkissedsoul

There are the things that I dare not speak of in direct manner; for bringing the words to actual life makes my stomach knot; my throat lump, my body weighted and my heart anxious and afraid.

Then there comes a time; the words have to come to life because they are already living a life inside of me, dwelling in the darkness of my belly and trying hard to rise to the top, come out and scream loudly until the whole earth hears my pain.

These unspoken words have a secret power within me; they are my own weapon of self destruction. These silenced, swallowed words are a culmination of all of the things I am supposed to ‘be over by now’. The hurts that I have worked incredibly hard to overcome. The wounds that have left scars; yet the scars are healed. These words don’t deserve to come out….oh….but they do. They are. Little by little the time comes and though it is difficult, it s not impossible as I remind myself that I CAN DO HARD. I have been doing hard, just not in the direction of hard I want to continue going. I am weary of holding monitor over all the ick; tired of my own pride.

What I do know is that the father of my children is about to move in with his girlfriend. What I do know is that the father of my children is a dear man and a precious friend and that he deserves to be healthy and happy and whole. What I do know is that his partner has nothing to do with anything that led to the end of my marriage and that she is a good person. What I also know is that this news has jolted me as if I just found out he was leaving our family. What I also know is that the grief this week has been an overwhelming blast. What I also know is that I am exhausting myself avoiding my feelings. What I do know is that I feel lonely and a little afraid. What I do know is that there is an avalanche of words here, I’m choking on them, and some are still stuck deep into my soul….I’m taking one bite of the elephant at a time.

I don’t believe I have ever had any intention of reuniting with my ex husband, not for a very, very long time have I thought that. I am dealing with that everlasting tape of ‘why did he not choose his own family?’ It’s a lifelong tape that began way before he ever was in my life. ‘Why was I not chosen?’; ‘Why am I not worth it?”; ‘Why am I picking up the pieces of someone else’s mess?” ‘Where is my worth, am I even worthy?’ Then it is this whole mess of standing in the middle of a tornado spinning in all these BIG emotions and trying to ground myself and not get caught up and fly off in the whirlwind. I could kick myself for being here. At the same time, I trust am supposed to be here. I don’t have to like it though.

I know that I am trying to find my place in this world. Professionally, personally, spiritually; all the ways. I feel like a familiar and friendly soul who is wandering and searching for belonging. My son is doing awesome in his career and I see him growing leaps and bounds. My daughter will soon be going to college and this momma heart is so proud of these babies…but now where is my biggest purpose? I know that I am now licensed and have so many professional options. I despise that every time I consider going out ‘on my own’, I remind myself that I am not partnered with anyone and I have to think extra hard and make sure I have things handled financially. I know that I have many dear friends and at the same time, feel out of place nearly everywhere I go outside of family and work. I know that despite my greatest intentions, I have secrets I am keeping and I am feeling like a kept secret. I know I am a little bit lonely and longing and also that maybe I’ll never meet someone special. I know I am trying to be at peace with that. I know I am in the messy middle and trying to find the value. Trying to seek faith over fear. Trying to allow myself to feel.

That’s me…then there are the beloved people I am hurting for. That’s only the tip of the iceberg. I know so much more.

I know I have cherished family members who are aging; dealing with illness; struggling in their own ways, dealing with continued stressors and hurts; just swimming and swimming and swimming and trying not to sink. I really wish for a magic wand.

I know I have beloved friends with full plates, challenges, fears, insecurities, a thousand anxieties and hurts and inquisitions. Making their ways through their own grief and unexpected loss and changes in life.

I know that one of my dearest and nearest friends is struggling hugely. I know that life has not treated him fairly and kindly, he is angry and in his own words, ‘full of hate and lost.’ I hear him more than he knows. The lost feeling; it resonates. As for the hate, whether we turn it inward or outward or even upward, it sucks, bad. I know that this precious warrior is stronger and more beloved than I fear he will ever know and that it literally aches my heart to not be able to convey that to him in word or action. He reminds me so very much of the father of my children. The most exquisite heart that is unable to receive the joy and love it gives out. So I pray, and I pray and I pray to the God he isn’t sure is there. That resonates too. It wasn’t so long ago that I also was wondering. I hope with every bit of hope in me that there is some beautiful AHA moment that brings him goodness and relief. While he is hurting badly, I am brought back to what life was sometimes like in my marriage; and what it was like to not be able to help the person you love most because they didn’t think they were worthy of help and maybe didn’t want to get better in those moments. You know…the devil you know is better than the one you don’t.

I know that my hip hurts and I am fifty. I know that my recent health follow ups were good and I am thankful. I know that I am not taking care of myself consistently and that I am working on it; and the knowing that I struggle is another way I guilt and shame myself. I know that life could be just beginning. Maybe. I know there is a flip side, but let me focus on the beginning right now.

So out the words begin to come. They are not venomous; not clouded with retaliation; they are just words that come with feelings and memories and what if’s…oh but it feels so good to let them come out.

Fathers Day 2021

Sunkissedsoul

Happiest Fathers Day in Heaven to our dear Daddy. 💔❤️.

As I sit on the porch of a home you never got to see, I’m sipping my coffee and thinking of you. You would be proud of my little garden, no matter if it was succeeding or failing.

By this time in the morning, you would be up, you would’ve gone for your walk and been freshly showered and smelled like cologne and you (sometimes I think I catch a whiff of you and then it’s gone.)

You most certainly would’ve kissed mom good morning, even if she was still sleeping. I remember when I used to sneak in bed with you guys, you would kiss both of us goodbye in the early morning. Often giving my foot an over the cover squeeze with your big ole hands, and nothing felt safer.

Back in the good ole days, you would’ve been making breakfast for all of us and chopping up somebody’s eggs the way only you could.

I miss you in all of the ways. We all do.

No matter how much I seek you, there will never be another you. I look for pieces of you every day in everyone and everything.

I hope you are dancing in heaven and knowing how well loved you always were and will always be.

Friends

Sunkissedsoul

“Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.“

I remember that tune well from Girl Scout days. The older I get, the truer I find it to be.

Some of my golden friends have stayed in my life and I hope they are with me until the day I am no longer here. Another handful of my golden friends are no longer in my life.

It’s so hard to let go, especially when I don’t understand the why’s. Praying about letting go is easy, putting into practice the actual act of letting go is something that goes against every fiber of my being.

With loss comes grief. Sometimes, when I think things are getting better, another wave of loss hits me or comes in a different form. That’s OK. I loved those friends well and for whatever reason, the season for our friendship is not right now.

We have all experienced loss of relationship, it just looks different for each of us. In grief and in healing, there is reflection.

One of the precious hearts in my life shared this morning, her words soaked straight into my spirit. She said…

“In my previous life my friendships were the kind that “poked fun” at each other in sometimes hurtful ways, and I bore the brunt of the “fun”, and it tore me down.”

I felt her words in every way. Friendship should offer reciprocity, respect, grace, forgiveness, safety. Friendship should not offer fear, accusations, faking for the sake of acceptance, disregard for another or using humor as leverage to hurt.

Looking back, that’s what I was feeling in some old friendships. I still miss them, letting go is hard even if it is best.

In this new space, I am grateful and I am still sad for the loss. I don’t believe that God took the friendships away from me, I do believe we all have some kind of lesson in the hurt and beauty comes out of ashes.

I’m going to spend my time focusing on the gratitude and on developing new, healthy friendships. I have changed a lot over the past few years. There are times that people won’t let you grow and instead they let you go, or vice versa.

I told God that I didn’t want to let go, I wanted my normal back. God told me to let go and trust him, He had good things in store for me.

I’m still not “there” but I’m beginning to let go instead of just continually grapple.

In the meantime, an amazing new tribe of women have come into my life. They are safe, accepting, fun and already golden to me.❤️🙏

What’s done is done, what’s gone is gone….right?

Sunkissedsoul

“What’s done is done, what’s gone is gone. One of life’s lessons is always moving on.”

I saw this posted here or somewhere and it pinged my heart deeply. As a result of my divorce; countless beautiful things have happened. I healed things in myself that I didn’t know needed healed. Subsequently, healing things between my children and I is ongoing. I went back to and finished grad school. I moved from the only home I have known for my lifetime.

All of this is beautiful yet I have realized recently the heaviness of things I am holding tightly onto. My ex spouse did not choose me. He did not choose our family over his desires. Four years later; we have a wonderful friendship and co-parent well; still; I have felt so betrayed and abandoned. I am sad and feel that we (not just he) forever changed the trajectory of our children’s lives.

I believe I am right where I am supposed to be. I am not as sure when it comes to my kids. I do know we are still a family and love our children and each other dearly; our family just looks different. It is difficult for me to consolidate the pain and sadness with the healing. It seems strange that the feeling angry and the grief are hitting me now more than before. It’s hard for me to know that even though I choose forgiveness multiple times a day (on most days); I still haven’t forgotten the hurt.

Perhaps it’s because I truly want to move forward. I want to love and be loved by a partner. I find myself consistently choosing relationships with really good men yet they just aren’t quite all the way available in some aspect. Then I wonder if I am doing that on purpose to avoid more hurt and so I can say it’s them, not me. Maybe it’s me who won’t make myself all the way available.

It’s all so much to unwind sometimes.

I know it’s done and gone; it’s still hard not to bring into my now. I know I have to trust the process. Sometimes I just wish the process would hurry the hell up.

Bruised

Sunkissedsoul
Goodness, life is hard sometimes isn’t it?
 
Last night I went to bed with a heart feeling as bruised as my black and blue booty.
 
Covid times just add an extra layer of what if’s to my ever wondering mind. Add that to a little unexpected chaos, uncomfortable growing pains, restless sleep, deeply hurting friends and hard conversations..I hit my pillow last night with a sense of grief and loss, wondering where my hope and faith are. How can I stand in the gap for others when I am not doing so for myself? I can’t.
 
Then…I got to wake up this morning. I went outside to see the bright sun peeking out and feel the warm air on my skin. I remembered…this waking to a new day is a privilege not to be taken for granted.
 
I took a hot shower while singing loudly and off key. The lyrics rolled out of my heart and off my tongue. I was surprised at the loudness of my own voice; yearning to be heard. Thank God no one is home and only God and the animals (poor animals) could hear my shower symphony.
 
I’m thankful AND I’m hurting. I’m learning AND I’m imperfect. I’m open AND I have healthy boundaries. I’m feeling stuck AND I’m capable of getting unstuck. I’m making choices AND not everyone is going to approve. I must honor my heart AND it sucks that this means displeasing people I love.
 
There are endless dichotomies. Ultimately, I know my heart, motives and intent better than any other human; I have the choices.
 
Today I will choose to honor my moments, make the best of them, treasure those closest to me and hold on to the little bit of hope and mustard seed of faith I still have. Today, this is what my brave looks like.
 
Reminder to self…bruises heal.

A tribute to my brother

Sunkissedsoul

Thirty three years ago today, my brother Brent passed away.   He was killed in a motorcycle accident at the young age of 27.

I was in Tennessee with Mom, Dad and our dachsund Schatze when it happened.

Looking back….the trip was ‘off’ from the get go.  My Grandma had been very upset with me for choosing to go with my parents rather than stay with her.  Our little Schatze hurt her back on the way to Tennessee.  The air just felt unusually tense.  It was too hot.  Something in the motor home broke.  We came home from the Grand Ole Opry and there was a message to visit the office.  My Dad got the call.  The news was devastating.

Today is not for recounting all the ugly details. I’ve done that before and truly, there is no use going to that painful place today. The interesting thing is that I journaled about every moment during the trip.  Even without looking back, the memories are as vivid in my mind as if they had happened yesterday.

Today is for acknowledging my brother.  A beautiful, artistic soul who has been said to have been born ahead of his time.  A creative, warm spirit that I was just beginning to really get to know. A man who served his country and loved living overseas.

I miss him terribly.  I often wonder what he would be like today and wish I’d gotten to know him as an adult; and that my children could’ve known their cool uncle. I am incredibly thankful for his presence in my life for any amount of time.  Time.  Treasure it.

Suffice it to say, there is a space in many hearts that will always be only for Brent Eugene Suppes.  He is extraordinarily missed.

As his wife always says, “Forever Young”.  True story.

God bless you everyone.  Breathe in the moments, for the moments are all we have.

Fear Faith Freedom

Sunkissedsoul

Freedom.  (What’s it going to cost?)

Circulating thoughts. (Merry go round mind.)

A voice that counts. (That’s me talking).

Change is inevitable. (How?)

Learning new. (Listen.)

Unlearning old. (Critical necessity.)

It’s tough. (Super f’ing tough.)

It’s necessary. (Now.  Right now.)

Breaking out this preservation prison. (Damaging, self defeating preservation.)

The turtle inches out of it’s shell. (Intentional, purposeful.)

Seeking. (Earnestly.)

Searching. (Within.  Deeply.)

Wondering. (Endlessly.)

Praying. (Without ceasing.)

Grieving. (The plan.)

Scared. (Tremendously.)

Stepping forward in the dark. (Being a light.)

Still scared. (Horrifically.)

Faith and fear. (Coexist.)

Fear and faith. (Together.)

Creating a new story. (Mine.)

Somethings gotta give. (Surrender.)

Fear and faith and freedom. (Alive and well, the three f’s hug.)

Acceptance. (Peace.)

Life…you only get one. (Yes.)

Real Life

Sunkissedsoul

My heart hurts this morning. I’m scared and I feel lonely. I could keep quiet and not share this, yet I feel nudged to do otherwise.

I know truth versus my feelings.

I’m not alone. I have a God who is already in my tomorrow and faith does reign over my fear.

I long for something relationally different, yet I am never alone. My God has never and will never forsake me.

Keeping my vulnerability under wraps is me believing the lies. It is me not honoring who I am to save another’s discomfort. It is me not being me.

I do live in gratitude and seek a path of surrender and trust.

Still, I am afraid of unknowns. Sometimes my most honest prayer is a “Lord, please help me with my unbelief.” I know you are there but I’m often not sure that our definitions of “okay” match. I need help trusting that your “okay” is far better.

I lived through a corrective heart surgery at 9 months of age that was a glorious medical miracle. My childhood was shaped by my Grandmas mental illness. There was a stroke that I “shouldn’t have survived”. A divorce that left me reeling. Daddy’s battle with Alzheimer’s. So much more.

I am here.

For whatever reason, I am here.

I am deeply compassionate toward those suffering with mental illness as a result of those childhood years.

The love of and for my family (immediate and extended) is abundant, genuine and solid.

My friends are a balm to my heart. They surround me with accountability, support, love, laughter and insight. They are my framily.

That stroke taught me lessons that nothing else could; it gave me a whole new lens to see with.

That divorce. It sucked. From those married years I have the best two children; glorious beyond anything I ever prayed for. Perfectly imperfect yet perfect for me. An ex-spouse who is my best friend and a growing up me.

Alzheimer’s. I learned to truly find joy in the journey. Daddy and I. Healing, laughter, tears and so much love. Precious memories made all while the memory thief was hard at work. Irony at its best.

Grief taught me…everyone’s path is experienced differently. For me, guttural crying and rolling around on the floor until your bones ache was part of the path. No need to be sorry. It’s my path to travel.

….although your heart physically aches and hope might seem beyond reach, the sun will rise again, one day. In the meantime, let it rain as long as you need rain.

…your experience is normal for You. If and when a plethora of people are feeling concerned, take heed, don’t be afraid to seek help. Medication, counseling, church….find your support and dive into it free from shame.

Always lessons learned. Gratitude sought. Love expressed. Faith over fear reached for.

Here I remain, human as human can be.

In this moment God, I am lonely. My heart hurts. I am afraid. Help me be a light and glorify your heart in the middle of my fear and solitude. Help me love you deeper. Help me strengthen my faith. And please hold me tight. I know there are gifts in this part of the journey too.

May we all seek and savor them.

Be blessed loves.

Ch ch ch changes

Sunkissedsoul

Well, well, well….it’s a high probability that the offer on my home and my momma’s property will be closing on Friday.

I’m focusing on not getting stuck in the ‘what if’s’, the ‘should’ve, would’ve, could’ves” and the regrets.

I am ALL of the feels. I have lived here for the majority of my 47 years. This place is and will always be, ‘the farm’, to my family and I. This is hard. My heart feels torn in a million directions.

Meanwhile, I’m studying for the two tests I must take and pass to be under LPC candidacy supervision and then likely I will have more changes coming.

My kiddos are going through their own stuff and I want to be the best Momma I can be for them.

I feel afraid, I feel like I want to lapse into a state of frozen or helpless, both of which are NOT who I am.

Change is hard, right? It’s an inevitable part of life and I am trying my damndest to embrace it with joy and a sense of adventure while not denying the hurt of it all and the loss of certain dreams.

This morning the verse that I have kept in my heart since 2012 has continued to resonate loudly in my spirit. “So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locusts has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust and the chewing locust, My great army which I sent among you.” Joel 2:25

I have a big ole habit of trusting the process and of trusting God in hindsight. Now it’s time to let go and trust with the everythings. Outta my hands.

Life

Sunkissedsoul

There are occasions that I wish I could go back with my magic wand to erase certain points in time; there are other times that I’d like to go back and sprinkle more pixie dust where I previously restrained myself from doing so.  As this post-divorce journey complete with the roller coaster of grief, healing and transformation progress, I am still at times surprised by my own strong emotional reactions.

My beloved Anais Nin so eloquently said, “Sometimes we reveal ourselves when we are least like ourselves.”  There is intense applicable truth for me in this quote.  Recently, I was retelling my precious Mother something I had done that left me full of regret and shame.  She replied with, “Sarah Ann!  That doesn’t even sound like you!”  (She’s right, I know).  In other instances, I have found myself jumping quicker into aspects of a relationship that I ‘normally’ would think to hold much more stringent boundaries around.  This time, I scold myself…”Sarah!  Gaaaa…this isn’t even you!”  Hmmmm…is it not me or is it the me I have always restrained?

A dear friend mentioned “this version of me” in a conversation about this very topic.  Initially, this was a struggle to understand.  How can I be authentic and still a very different version of myself…what is real?  We are always changing, ever evolving, consistently transforming, right?  It seems the harder we resist change, the stronger change overtakes us.  I guess it’s all about riding the wave but why is that so much easier to preach than to practice?

In the ongoing self study I am doing, there are absolutely new aspects of me that are emerging.  I’ve decided that there is far more value in embracing and accepting myself than there is in trying to discern whether the aspects are truly new or just now being allowed to be present.  In the multitude of errors I’ve been making, there are lessons (albeit painful), there is growth, and mostly…there is grace.  I have to talk myself into the last one though.

HUGE valuable lessons I’ve received lately, they’ve been hard but in light of trusting the process and enjoying the journey, I’m doing the best I can to take accountability, apologize and move forward.  There’s always that inner voice telling me to make things right for everyone else and it’s exhausting.  One thing at a time, right?

  • Sexual intimacy…no matter what I tell myself…changes the emotional attachment dynamic.  When sexual intimacy occurs too early,  it can decrease brain power and increase ideation….thus elevating the chances that inappropriate emotional reactivity will occur.  Ugh.
  • People will judge behaviors.  Only God and I get to decide the best actions, thoughts and behaviors for me.  Feedback is always appreciated and weighed carefully, but in the end, the one who will confront my inner conflict is me.  So…thank you for caring enough to share, I promise to weigh it carefully.  🙂
  • Dating is an adventure.  There are friends to be made, things to learn about others and myself and tons of value in this season…but I still miss my family as it was and that is okay.  Grief for a loss and celebration of new can absolutely walk hand in hand.
  • Due to a chaotic childhood, I tend toward the ‘what if’s’ and control.  Not control to control; rather to keep my world feeling safe.  Not everyone (actually no one) is super appreciative of that…including me.  Rather than constantly worrying about creating safety through control, I’m changing my definition of safety and remembering my God, who has me in His hands…that’s really the only safety assurance I need.  (coming to terms…a process!)
  • Just because I have a great imagination and may have determined exactly how something will play out does not make my determination accurate.  As a matter of fact, following my imaginary scenario results in the aforementioned emotional reactivity which I strongly desire to move away from.
  • I may have missed a few spectacular opportunities because of my own reactivity.  I have embraced the icky lessons, asked forgiveness (from myself too), defined what I can do different next time and moved on with grace.  I still hate myself a little bit for it though.
  • Unrelated….the stroke has less power over me than it once did but still too much power.  Working on that.  Trying to replace my fear with constant faith and gratitude.  Keeping my eyes and heart open…I am incredibly blessed and I know it.

“Sometimes we reveal ourselves when we are least like ourselves.” – Anais Nin  It is remarkable what I have learned through the errors that are ‘so unlike me’.

 

Grateful in all things.