forgiveness – SUNKISSED SOUL

Always Learning

October 6, 2022 Sunkissedsoul

Honesty… This has been a gut wrenching week at work and personally. I am finding my way through to the other side and trying to take the value from all that has been happening.

I am learning that I can be genuinely me and love others really hard. Sometimes that’s not enough for the other person. Sometimes it’s too much for me.

I am learning that just because I messed up in somebody else’s eyes does not make me a mess up or a failure. Everybody gets to make their own choices about where they would like to lay blame and about what they hold on to.

I am learning that if there is no space for me to be less than perfect then this is not a space that I belong. I am so less than perfect and will not spend any more time in this short life proving to others my worthiness.

I am learning that thankfully I get the same choice. I can reflect and I can always look at what I could’ve done better. I can apologize, I can make amends and in the end, no matter what somebody else chooses, I have to choose to make amends and give grace to myself.

I am learning that the names people might call me or the ways they may talk about me say much more about them than they ever will about me.

I am learning that only God can give me the validation I truly yearn for. Only I can choose to reject or accept it.

I love deeply and I care about the impact of my actions on others. I believe often, hardships happen because I have to remember to turn that caring and love inward and give myself what I’m craving from another. There are always lessons.

Today is a new day, joy comes in the morning and it is here. Let the haters hate but please, please let me remain who I am made to be and to grow stronger in that. I am so grateful for the small handful of people who remind me of who I am.

It has never been all about me. It is about the one who made me and continues to hold me up when everything feels like too much. Cradled in Gods love, it is here that I reside, I just forget to remember this at times.🙏❤️

Happy Thursday loves.

What I didn’t know

October 31, 2021 Sunkissedsoul

Visited with my beautiful sister Kristy today. I love her more than words can say and hated leaving.

Feeling reflective in the car as Stella and I chatted.

I told her I needed to apologize to John, my dear son. I was recalling a Halloween when he was one or two. It was nasty outside and he had a bad cold. He was crying, miserable and wanted to go home from the church parking lot trunk or treat. He wanted to leave. I wanted him to be a happy Tigger and not miss the Halloween memory making. Poor baby.

Stella reminded me I did the same on her first bday. She had a double ear infection and was tearful and miserable. Wise people tried to get me to reschedule. Nope. Not gonna miss those special birthday memories. She literally had tears and snot dripping as I encouraged her to blow out her bday candles. Sweet baby.

Both of these times it was my intention that my babies have wonderful memories. Neither of those events did I trust the process and respect their needs. I was always pushing for something better.

I hope those amazing young humans forgive me for that and so much more. I hope their dad forgives my need for perfection back then.

I didn’t know a different way yet.

46 Reasons

September 10, 2018September 10, 2018 Sunkissedsoul

This last week has been fabulously filled with new life adventures, and I have enjoyed every single moment. Here are 46 reasons why:

Last Sunday, I went to church. I may have been feeling just a little bit lonely’ish. A dear friend was a few rows away with her beautiful children and a friend; instead of sitting by myself, I sat with my friend and her family. This just made the service/worship so much sweeter.
Later that day, I met a new friend for coffee. We had a deeply rich, spiritual conversation that seemed to be the beginning of chipping away at a few of my soul’s survival tactics that really do not serve me well anymore. I had found a little bag of my Grandma’s Catholic books and it was so incredible to be able to share them with a friend who appreciated them….not planned but incredible.
I feel like my spirit has been napping and I’m waking up to the vibrancy of my being. It’s just in the air or something…a new (or renewed?) energy
It was a week of fun selfies and spectacular quotes. One of my favorite is worth sharing here…”If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just, ‘Congratulations about your face.'” This is the best!!!
On that topic, I have noticed that we as a society can be very mocking and critical of selfie taking. I say just let people be. I can only speak for me, but taking selfies after the divorce was a huge stretch for me…it always felt like part of the picture was missing. Now, I take them not because I am vain…usually because I feel silly, or contemplative, or whatever I feel and this is a way to share it. So…this week I took a selfie nearly every day and shared it. Why? Because it was a lovely week and I chose to share my journey in this way…the end.
Tuesday, I got to work on homework….I did this all week. It was supposed to be stormy on all the days ending in Y, but that didn’t quite happen. When it got down to the wire though, it rained…this meant more focus on my paper. (Don’t ask, I’m just quirky like that!)
Also Tuesday, I made another lovely friend and had a wonderful evening. All I’m going to say is this…it’s socially awkward when one is on a date, and while on that date, runs into someone they’ve also been dating (not secretly) with their date. Think that over.
On Wednesday evening, (my actual birthday), I said bon voyage to 45 bonjour to 46! My precious momma and kids took me out to dinner. Not one of them complained that I chose sushi and we had a fabulous time together. I am extraordinarily blessed to have gotten that time with the woman who gave me life and the children that I gave life to.
Also on Wednesday, my Facebook wall, text messages and phone calls were inundated with loving birthday messages. Maybe I’m more like a child on birthdays, but I believe we ALL deserve special love on the day of our birth….find more reasons to celebrate…life is a celebration when you live in gratitude!
I went to the chapel at St. Bernard’s…where my Grandma went to church. I spent an hour praying, being still, looking around, thinking, and praying some more. I was relieved that the toenails on Mary’s feet were not painted and were very real looking. I left with something…I felt like God was letting me know that my openness was a gift, and at the same time asking where I needed closure. Suffice it to say, there is an entire post to be written about this experience.
The bestest part of my birthday was finding the video of my Momma and Daddy singing me the happy birthday song together. Daddy was starting to struggle with his memory then, and that memory popping up made my heart incredibly happy. I think I watched it 100 times throughout my day.
I got flowers on my birthday. Because my friend loves me and she knows that flowers fill me with joy. I didn’t expect flowers, but she remembered. It’s a gift to have a friend who remembers you like this.
Thursday was a busy day at work, and I was reminded through my clients how very fortunate I am to have a home, clothing, food, pets, mostly happy and healthy children, air conditioning, blankets, a toothbrush and not a consistent fear for my safety. Gratitude gratitude gratitude.
Very good company Thursday night and another birthday dinner. And…I saw the movie CLUE. No, of course I didn’t doze off during the movie!
Friday, I took 1/2 a day off work…thank God for a flexible job! I finished a paper I’d been putting off for way too long, it really wasn’t so bad once I sat still. Good thing since the paper was due in class that evening.
Friday was the one year anniversary of our divorce. I didn’t feel broken, ashamed, weary, hopeless and defeated. I actually felt just the opposite. I’m coming together, content, peaceful, hopeful and anticipatory. I’m human so sometimes I struggle, yet this is authentic healing.
Saturday was lovely. It began early as I awoke listening to my brother sing loudly and cheerfully from the other room. It was an awesome way to wake up and get ready for a day of class!
My dear brother and friend joined our class Saturday afternoon. So did one of my classmate/friend’s gorgeous wife. It was absolutely fun to have their interaction for our discussion and I believe every weekend class should entail some sort of bring a guest show and tell!
After class meant a drink or two with the above mentioned gentlemen and lively discussions! That was awesome and I think I have now tried every flavor of Moscow Mule at PJ’s except for the one with whiskey…because whiskey is ewww to me.
I had the opportunity to have a heartfelt conversation with my baby daddy. (The wonderful man who I was with for 23 years). I wanted to apologize to him for things I had done in our marriage that I just needed to take ownership for. It would’ve been easy to continue to let him own it all, but this honesty is part of my continued healing and hopefully his as well. I wish everyone had this chance. Say what you need to say. Forgiveness. Compassion. It all lets us move forward in grace. If it’s not possible to share with the person, write it out and burn it…do what you need to do to heal…it’s worth it.
Saturday night…topped with a warm bath, clean sheets, a great book and a glass of wine…had the best sleep I’ve had in a long time!
Sunday began with a yummy breakfast cooked for me by my brother…and coffee…of course, coffee. I sat on the porch and enjoyed this, read my Bible and enjoyed the magnificent morning.
So…I read all of Corinthians 1 again, beautiful. In my deep conversations with my new friend, I have felt a bit challenged. Not in a bad way…in an ‘iron sharpens iron’ kind of way. I know my faith is strong. I am sure of my salvation. I understand and have many biblical stories and scriptures stored in my heart. In my quest to grow closer to God, I think it worthwhile to examine my foundational beliefs so I can better explain to others where I come from. This is absolutely not the same as wanting to right fight and defend. I want to understand more deeply all of the Bible…in context, not just here and there, for myself more than for anything.
I had an especially sweet afternoon with a handsome, poetic hearted friend. Who wouldn’t enjoy that?
Tonight was coffee and a long overdue conversation with someone I love very much. It was time to hear each other’s hearts so we could just move forward. I thank God for these moments.
This birthday week has been overflowing with new adventures and healing of old wounds. In earlier blogs I’ve discussed my love of the words synchronicity and serendipity. I still love them. Even more, I love watching them in action.
It’s been a deeply contemplative, prayerful week filled with thought-provoking discussions and earnest seeking. These things are important to me, so I am thankful for each of these experiences.
My children have been extra peaceful. I don’t know why, I’m not going to try to explain. I am intensely thankful for these moments though.
Watching my daughter ice-skate and seeing her joy after she’s learned a new maneuver…priceless. It was her daddy’s turn to take her this week but he sent me a video. She wows me.
Seeing the twinkle in my son’s eyes this week, even for a fleeting moment, makes my Momma heart happy.
I have lost 20.3 pounds. My next size down clothes are beginning to fall off of me. I might not love that I had to change bra sizes but I do love my mostly steady energy and the way my body is changing.
I see that while I am opening myself to new experiences, I am beginning to find healthy vulnerability again in areas that I had chosen previously kept walled off. I’m relieved that this is happening.
I have set boundaries where before I would’ve not done so. Sometimes, it really is less about fulfilling others expectations and more about taking care of myself. This especially applies to my journey in dating. Stating my boundaries clearly and expecting that they be honored is just as new as dating. This is all fresh territory.
Staying in touch with new, new/old, old friends is a gift. Remember, “make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold?” Yes. Do that.
I look in the mirror and sometimes I look tired. I see more wrinkles than I used to. I see a belly that housed two healthy, glorious babies. Guess what else I see? I see a woman who is lovely and becoming more at peace with herself as time passes. I see the heart of a child and the strength of a woman. I see God’s princess. I see someone who is worthy of goodness.
I have laughed, cried and enjoyed myself this last week more than I have in so long. I’m not sure why. Whatever….I’m grateful.
I turned down a fabulous internship opportunity because I knew it would not be the best for my family. Doing the right thing isn’t always fun. There will be an even better opportunity, this I know.
I ate cheesecake on my birthday…tempura battered cheesecake with cream and strawberries. I haven’t had anything like this since April. Oh my goodness, life is short and enjoying dessert is a luxurious treat!
My puppies, my kitty and even that little lizard make me smile. God is so cool to even provide us with these little muffinheads….just makes me think how much He loves us to give us these kinds of enjoyments.
I got myself a couple of new books for my birthday. I don’t buy myself things often and most of my reading time is spent on school books…but I’m so excited to read something purely for pleasure.
My house is an absolute mess. Parts of it feel like they are literally crumbling under my feet. (Literally, it’s kind of happening like that). It’s gonna be okay. I don’t know how but I know it is. Trusting the process. Praying hard! Remembering, I have a home.
My coffee was paid for twice this week by random strangers. How’s that for a birthday treat?
Baby tomatoes are still growing on my vines. I was shaking one of the plants one morning…to shake the pollen down. Although I was gentle, a little baby fell off the vine and I felt so sad. So…I buried it. If I were that baby tomato I’d just use my seeds to make another vine and I’d grow taller and stronger than the original vine. However, I’m not the tomato, I guess we will see what happens next!
I’ve found lots of new music to enjoy on Spotify this week, I once forgot the love of music that I have. Like…how do people ever live without music? TV, I understand but music has to be.
Stella and I came up with a grand book idea…maybe we can make it happen. That’s pretty hopeful!
I learned that sometimes, you just gotta spill the tea, sis!

It’s just been the best birthday week ever and my cup overflows. The kindnesses bestowed on me are astonishing and I hope I give back well all that I receive.

Grace. Peace. Joy. Mercy. Compassion.

Continue reading “46 Reasons” →

Life

August 23, 2018August 23, 2018 Sunkissedsoul

There are occasions that I wish I could go back with my magic wand to erase certain points in time; there are other times that I’d like to go back and sprinkle more pixie dust where I previously restrained myself from doing so. As this post-divorce journey complete with the roller coaster of grief, healing and transformation progress, I am still at times surprised by my own strong emotional reactions.

My beloved Anais Nin so eloquently said, “Sometimes we reveal ourselves when we are least like ourselves.” There is intense applicable truth for me in this quote. Recently, I was retelling my precious Mother something I had done that left me full of regret and shame. She replied with, “Sarah Ann! That doesn’t even sound like you!” (She’s right, I know). In other instances, I have found myself jumping quicker into aspects of a relationship that I ‘normally’ would think to hold much more stringent boundaries around. This time, I scold myself…”Sarah! Gaaaa…this isn’t even you!” Hmmmm…is it not me or is it the me I have always restrained?

A dear friend mentioned “this version of me” in a conversation about this very topic. Initially, this was a struggle to understand. How can I be authentic and still a very different version of myself…what is real? We are always changing, ever evolving, consistently transforming, right? It seems the harder we resist change, the stronger change overtakes us. I guess it’s all about riding the wave but why is that so much easier to preach than to practice?

In the ongoing self study I am doing, there are absolutely new aspects of me that are emerging. I’ve decided that there is far more value in embracing and accepting myself than there is in trying to discern whether the aspects are truly new or just now being allowed to be present. In the multitude of errors I’ve been making, there are lessons (albeit painful), there is growth, and mostly…there is grace. I have to talk myself into the last one though.

HUGE valuable lessons I’ve received lately, they’ve been hard but in light of trusting the process and enjoying the journey, I’m doing the best I can to take accountability, apologize and move forward. There’s always that inner voice telling me to make things right for everyone else and it’s exhausting. One thing at a time, right?

Sexual intimacy…no matter what I tell myself…changes the emotional attachment dynamic. When sexual intimacy occurs too early, it can decrease brain power and increase ideation….thus elevating the chances that inappropriate emotional reactivity will occur. Ugh.
People will judge behaviors. Only God and I get to decide the best actions, thoughts and behaviors for me. Feedback is always appreciated and weighed carefully, but in the end, the one who will confront my inner conflict is me. So…thank you for caring enough to share, I promise to weigh it carefully. 🙂
Dating is an adventure. There are friends to be made, things to learn about others and myself and tons of value in this season…but I still miss my family as it was and that is okay. Grief for a loss and celebration of new can absolutely walk hand in hand.
Due to a chaotic childhood, I tend toward the ‘what if’s’ and control. Not control to control; rather to keep my world feeling safe. Not everyone (actually no one) is super appreciative of that…including me. Rather than constantly worrying about creating safety through control, I’m changing my definition of safety and remembering my God, who has me in His hands…that’s really the only safety assurance I need. (coming to terms…a process!)
Just because I have a great imagination and may have determined exactly how something will play out does not make my determination accurate. As a matter of fact, following my imaginary scenario results in the aforementioned emotional reactivity which I strongly desire to move away from.
I may have missed a few spectacular opportunities because of my own reactivity. I have embraced the icky lessons, asked forgiveness (from myself too), defined what I can do different next time and moved on with grace. I still hate myself a little bit for it though.
Unrelated….the stroke has less power over me than it once did but still too much power. Working on that. Trying to replace my fear with constant faith and gratitude. Keeping my eyes and heart open…I am incredibly blessed and I know it.

“Sometimes we reveal ourselves when we are least like ourselves.” – Anais Nin It is remarkable what I have learned through the errors that are ‘so unlike me’.

Grateful in all things.