Tag: relationship

Simply. Beautiful. Chaos.

Sunkissedsoul

In less than ½ a year from now, I will be 50 years old.  

I am proud of who I am. 

 My heart is tender and compassionate.  I am smart.  I am witty.  I am hard working, kind, loving and I have a lot to give.  Also, I am stubborn to a fault.  I can take a lackadaisical and scattered approach to life.  I sometimes am far more considerate of others than of myself; and at the same time can be selfish and run by motivating factors that I wish didn’t motivate me.  

I am reflective, I am unique.  I struggle with small talk unless it is obligatory.  I have been told that “I am too much”; and it wasn’t in the ‘good’ too much kind of way.  

Tears come as easy as laughter. Food, whiskey, wine and coffee; being consumed by work and men temporarily fill a hole in my heart that longs for something deeper. 

 I relish digging in the dirt, breathing in nature, talking with God, reading the Bible and also reading Anais Nin, bubble baths, writing, being with those I love, and being alone with my neverending thoughts.  Those things feed my soul.

I love hard.  It is difficult for me to let go of things that once were or things that might’ve been.  I prefer seeing the possibilities over the reality at times.  

I am human.  Messy. A student of this life.

 I am beauty in the chaos; with an emphasis on the chaos.

I am simply Sarah.

I know who I am.  I know my value.  So why, why, why do I so quickly forget that when it comes to men?  Why do I push things under the rug that I know are harmful to my heart; contort myself to make another person comfortable and chase the love someone does not have to give me?  And, why for the love of all things good, do I equate healthy men with boring.  Not cool Sarah.  Not cool.

These are the thoughts I ponder tonight.  

I was going to write this entire synopsis on my dating journey and sexual awakening; it turns out that’s not really the gist of what is on my heart.  Kind of.

What the gist of it all is isn’t about what the men have or haven’t done in my life; it’s about searching for a deeper understanding of why I have allowed myself; perhaps even put myself in less than stellar situations.  Why have I decided to continually settle, be in relationships where someone mistakes me for a momma or their personal therapist, or place more value on whether I meet their standards than raising my own?

I desire a reciprocal, romantic, respectful relationship where passion is very much alive.  Is it the fear of growing old alone that pushes me into the zone of what isn’t best for me?  Is it the comfort of having someone that drives me there?  I don’t know.  

I do know that exploring the places I am accountable is a good thing.  I do know that although I  don’t ‘need’ a man; I totally desire a companion and that’s okay.  I just need to figure out why I am still so willing to compromise on my ‘non negotiables’ and then I resent the hell out of them bc of my choices.  That makes no sense. 

Wish me luck.  It looks like I have some hard work to do and some healthy boundaries to establish; starting with me.

Endings. Lessons.

Sunkissedsoul

You know… Over a year ago, a wonderful man came back into my life. We had initially met in 2018 when we were both really broken and we had a super fun time together.

We drifted apart but remained friends, checking in with each other over the years. That man came back into my life at the beginning of Covid.

A friendship grew into a real life relationship. We were a couple. 🙂 We even decided to put it on social media….”in a relationship “!

I remember when we did that, I was terrified. I was wondering what people would think. Were they think we were like giddy high schoolers?. Kind of we were… This part was a first for both of us.. And man did it feel good to know someone was proud to publicly and proudly “claim” me? Yes!

Would they judge us if it didn’t last? Would they relish in our togetherness and then make scandalous stories up about our demise? It was scary. We did it anyway.

So what’s the point of my sharing?

Relationships can be very scary. Each person has been traveling their own journey and very likely, one or both parties have been hurt before. Now we are supposed to trust and love again… Things that deepen (or don’t) with time.

If we are willing participants, relationships, whatever the outcome, teach things about ourselves.. Sometimes they teach us absolutely beautiful things that we are proud of… Like how big we are really able to love. Sometimes they teach us things about ourselves when another layer is exposed and we know that we need more healing. Either way… There are lessons to learn and beauty to be had.

Back to that wonderful man… We had time together filled with ups and downs just like life. We grew individually and together. We taught, loved and supported one another. In the end, we are better as friends in this season.

We are both back to “single“ as our relationship status on social media. I don’t feel silly or dumb. I feel thankful for the journey and proud that we opened ourselves up to the experience.

“Single” doesn’t change our value, our worthiness, or our desire to love and be loved.

Single doesn’t change that this man is one of the most extraordinary, big hearted, warriors that I have ever known.

Single doesn’t change how thankful I am for the journey, whatever the outcome.

We don’t love to win or to lose. We love to love.

Friends

Sunkissedsoul

“Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.“

I remember that tune well from Girl Scout days. The older I get, the truer I find it to be.

Some of my golden friends have stayed in my life and I hope they are with me until the day I am no longer here. Another handful of my golden friends are no longer in my life.

It’s so hard to let go, especially when I don’t understand the why’s. Praying about letting go is easy, putting into practice the actual act of letting go is something that goes against every fiber of my being.

With loss comes grief. Sometimes, when I think things are getting better, another wave of loss hits me or comes in a different form. That’s OK. I loved those friends well and for whatever reason, the season for our friendship is not right now.

We have all experienced loss of relationship, it just looks different for each of us. In grief and in healing, there is reflection.

One of the precious hearts in my life shared this morning, her words soaked straight into my spirit. She said…

“In my previous life my friendships were the kind that “poked fun” at each other in sometimes hurtful ways, and I bore the brunt of the “fun”, and it tore me down.”

I felt her words in every way. Friendship should offer reciprocity, respect, grace, forgiveness, safety. Friendship should not offer fear, accusations, faking for the sake of acceptance, disregard for another or using humor as leverage to hurt.

Looking back, that’s what I was feeling in some old friendships. I still miss them, letting go is hard even if it is best.

In this new space, I am grateful and I am still sad for the loss. I don’t believe that God took the friendships away from me, I do believe we all have some kind of lesson in the hurt and beauty comes out of ashes.

I’m going to spend my time focusing on the gratitude and on developing new, healthy friendships. I have changed a lot over the past few years. There are times that people won’t let you grow and instead they let you go, or vice versa.

I told God that I didn’t want to let go, I wanted my normal back. God told me to let go and trust him, He had good things in store for me.

I’m still not “there” but I’m beginning to let go instead of just continually grapple.

In the meantime, an amazing new tribe of women have come into my life. They are safe, accepting, fun and already golden to me.❤️🙏

Saturday Speculations

Sunkissedsoul

Saturday Speculations…

1) I will keep your secrets well but I will not be your secret. Big difference.

2) I wondered if I could turn my king-size bed around by myself. Turns out that I can’t.

3) Why can’t I just hop in my car and go give hugs to everybody? Oh yes… Covid.

4) Just like I began this exercise program today, I am also beginning intense study for that big test I have to take in March. I don’t wanna. On either one. But I’m gonna. Covid has given me an opportunity to focus on what I need to focus on at home, I guess that’s some light in the dark.

5) I have come to the conclusion that I definitely want a romantic, reciprocal, respectful relationship. Nothing less is going to work. If that means I’m going to say single, then I’m going to stay single. My life is full, I am loved and I love and I have many passions. Still… I would love that relationship in it’s time. i’m not going to carry guilt for wanting that in my life.

6) Oh how I worry about my beautiful children. They amaze me with their insight, compassion, and wisdom. That said… This world is hard and I will always wonder if we have prepared them well.

7) I miss my nieces and my nephews and my great nieces and my great nephews and my mama and my sisters and my brother and my friends. So so much.

😎 Have you ever thought how very cool it was to hear birds chirping and singing melodies to us all day long? I wonder if my “song” makes a difference.

9) I’m very curious that when I try to type the number that comes in between the seven and the nine, I get 😎 instead? I can say 8 but if I try to do it with a )…then 😎 pops up. 😂

10) I’m going to do a lot of stuff today. Tomorrow I’m going to see my mom from a social distance with a mask! This will be a great day and I have much to look forward to! (Positive self talk is our friend!😂😂😂)

11) I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSES HAPPINESS. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSES CHOICES. SAY IT AGAIN SARAH! Somehow it is far easier to say that to someone else then apply it to myself.

12) my work out today was hard, that’s OK, I can do hard things. I’m amazed at how quickly I can and condition myself and recondition myself to exercise and I have to keep that in mind. Mind games for sure.

13) I love being a woman and also, I need new lipstick!

14) This week was a tough one. Must mean growth… I hope. I sure wish that doing the right thing meant the easy thing.

15). So grateful for my fur babies . How does anybody make it through life not loving them?

Happy Saturday loves!

Ps. I like taking selfie’s. It’s fun to look back, see them, and remember where I was in life. I’ve grown exponentially and I’m proud of me.

Now…have an awesome day!

A Tribute to Friendship, Sex, & Milkshakes

Sunkissedsoul

Thankful tears flowed from my eyes this morning as I thanked a friend for being the blessing he is in my life.

He is my imperfect friend who has no pressure to live up to anything but being him, because his perfectly imperfect genuine self is a rarity.

Take a big, beautiful heart and add in compassion; understanding; trustworthy; humor; integrity; wisdom;hysterical; God loving; creative man who is well dressed and super fun ..there is my dear friend.  See?  Rare.

He accepts me as is.  He loves me as is.  He might sometimes be disappointed for my choices and how they will affect me; at the same time, he is not disappointed in me.  Big difference.

He encourages me to be the best version of me I can be while never loving me any less as I travel my journey and sometimes behave like a dumbass. (true story) We speak truth to one another; even when truth is ugly feeling.  The thing is…when truth is spoken in love and safety is present…it’s a sacred treasure.  He challenges me when it’s uncomfortable and would be much easier to not.

He knows my everything.  My everything is safe with him.  He has never played judge and jury to me.  That is magical.  We’ve all been in a place that we believed we were truly safe with someone…until a dreaded, unexpected moment illuminates a reality that safety has been an illusion.  There was not acceptance and love of who you are; perhaps there was acceptance and love for who they want you to be.  That is not magical, it sucks.

Laughter, tears, and everything in between are welcome. He is proud of my accomplishments, generous with his encouragements, okay with my sunshine as well as my melancholy and super fun to go to the grocery store with.  He loves sex (not with me), milkshakes, animals, learning and laughter.  The countless endless conversations we have will never have sufficient words to let him know that he is cooler and more than he will ever grasp.

I hope and pray I provide the same for him.  There are perhaps 10 people in my world outside of my family that I have this type of friendship with.  I intend to ensure they always know how deeply I love them.

As I expressed my gratitude to my precious friend this morning, my heart was pinged.  Is this not how our God designed us to be in relation with one another?   We are made in His image, right?  I know God loves me.  He made me.  He knows my heart, he knows the numbers of hairs on my head for goodness sake.  He knows my journey.  God weeps with me, rejoices with me, and loves me in the messy middle (which is where my humanness seems to have me living the majority of the time).

Beloved human connections (could, should, can) mirror our relationship with God.  We are God’s heart, walking outside of His body but still in Him.  Our loves are the same…pieces of our heart walking outside of our body but always in us.

True Friendship…it’s a beautiful form of intimacy.  In our individuality, we are still all reflections of each other.  In our separateness, we are still made to be unified.  How cool is my God?  Not only does he offer me unconditional love and friendship through Him…he gives me that in real live humans.

The reciprocity of real friendship is the ultimate legacy to leave with another.  This type of friendship has impacted my life profoundly for the better.

I am grateful to have even one friend of this caliber in my life; sex and milkshakes too.

Philippians 1:3  “I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.”

 

Ex

Sunkissedsoul

So…here’s the thing. My ex-husband is not just my ex-husband. He is first and foremost, the father of my children and a dear friend.

I realize that we seem unique to many in our relationship after marriage; and it took us a long while to find our way to this place. I know that our relationship is a gift and I do not take it for granted one single moment.

I will always honor Nathan for the reasons I listed above and I will always respect him and cherish his friendship. It’s a two way street and I am grateful.

Our hope is that one day, if and when we each find a new love in our life, and the time is right; we will make room for them as our families expand.

After all, we had two amazing children together and we know that parenting them is a God given privilege. We do our best to treasure that privilege.

Again, I know that our dynamic is different and it may be difficult for some to grasp the nature of our relationship without making it into something it is not.

My thoughts…we really are just two people doing what works for our family, as it has changed shape…it is still our family.

You do you boo, right?

Love to you all.

Dear everyone…

Sunkissedsoul
Dear everyone,
 
This is just public acknowledgement that my “Dear Sis” posts are not directed toward any one person.
They are more an accumulation of the experiential education I have had in my dating life. I have learned much about a few men, but what I have really learned of value is that I tend to make choices that I know will hurt me in the end. I make choices hoping that a man will in essence, change because he so adores me.
 
How’s that working for me? lol!
 
I guess we all just want to truly see and be seen in a relationship…and fully accepted with love. That’s what I want anyway.
 
So, dear Sis, keep on keeping on.
 
You are worth it…and so is he.
 
XOXO

Be REAL

Sunkissedsoul
I deleted my account on a particular dating sight. Everyone has their thing but goodness….gross is gross.
 
I’m going to create my own dating sight that fits my particular needs right now…I’m sure there are countless others who are with me.
 
There are a few rules.
1) No open relationships, legally single people only.
2) If you are caught lying about anything at all or misrepresenting yourself in photos/words, you will automatically be permanently deleted from ALL online dating sights.
3) No shirtless or bottomless pictures accepted. None. No nekkid pictures either.
4) To meet additional qualifications, Be REAL.
(Reach out and respond, Ego left at the door, Authentic please, Literate is best).
5) Seriously…not a hook up sight. There are plenty of those.
6) Must be capable of valuing and looking into the heart and soul of someone and not only into the outside package.
7) No cheaters
8) I get to make more rules as I go along, if they are deemed necessary. No complaints accepted.
 
That’s a good start.

A reckoning

Sunkissedsoul
In the moment
his affection will make you feel wanted,
his words will make you feel heard,
his eyes will make you feel seen,
his hand will make you feel held,
but until you are able to see yourself
as made whole by your Savior
and no one else, 
you will constantly go
from moment to moment
and person to person
in search of a Love
that is only ever felt
in the arms of the One
who knows you better than you know yourself,
and loves you more than anyone else.
                                               -Morgan Harper Nichols
Truth…I am a tiny bit jaded and freaked out.
I’ve had some people really hurt me in my dating (loosely used for sure) experiences.  It’s not all their fault, I have made some poor choices and there is  a consequence for everything we create…currently, it’s an emotional state of empty sadness.
I’m reflecting (read: ruminating) on the people I’ve been trying to impress by giving things that don’t belong to them…specifically man people.  Giving beyond depletion. Giving what I didn’t have to give and yearning for more than they were able to give in return. I have erased that fifty billion times and re-written it because I fear being judged or shamed.  So.  Treat with care.  It would be difficult for one  to judge me more harshly than I judge myself anyway.
I desperately want to feel cherished, not rejected.  I want to be understood, seen, accepted and appreciated for who I am.  I want to be held in the arms that embrace me with protection, respect and deep love.  I want to trust wholeheartedly and without fear of the future.
In the case that I never have those things, I accept the arms that are not equipped to keep me safe and the heart that isn’t healed to love me well.
I want to believe the truth…the stroke didn’t break me, the divorce didn’t break me, my childhood didn’t make me broken, my struggling finances and home in need of repair do not define me.  My mistakes are my fertilizer, my life is a miracle that I don’t need to ‘earn’….the list goes on…I want to believe that I am not broken, I am whole.
Because..you see…if I believe the truth that defines me as whole rather than the lie that I am deficient or broken;  perhaps I will stop accepting casual when casual is not what I want.  Perhaps I will seek out those who appreciate my quirkiness and my intelligence.  Perhaps I will seek out someone who thinks the things I consider broken in myself are the same things that make me beautiful.  Perhaps I will cease justifying when someone essentially dumps me on my ass without warning.  Perhaps I will cease my hateful self talk when I tell myself that this one dumped me because I wasn’t as pretty/thin/wealthy/fun/etc as his new focus and when he treats me less than, I will peacefully walk away.  Because…I will believe that I am worth.so.much.more.
Recently, I was awestruck by the picture I have here of Jesus holding the little girl…I looked at this in a moment of tearful frustration. I treasure this picture.  I have felt held like that before…but it seems like a lifetime ago since I felt that connected to God.  Even longer since I did a trust fall with God.
The deepest part of my heart was pinged.  “Sarah, if you want to be loved fully, you have to let me love you fully first.”  So reminiscent of something a dear friend said to me a few months ago but it wasn’t my friends voice I heard.
Why don’t I let God love me like only He can, preferring to keep him always at a slight distance?  I know the why’s…I’ve analyzed this forever but they aren’t nearly as important as what I’m going to choose now.
Going from moment to moment; person to person, in search of this Love I am intensely afraid of never experiencing…there is loneliness.  Not one moment nor one person is filling me up with this love I am longing for.  I get sad at the end of these ‘moments’, especially when I have earnestly cared for someone and honestly believed they were different.  Again, I can’t expect someone to give me something they don’t have.  I guess I can thank them for helping me see that my focus belongs elsewhere.
The embrace I long for is the same embrace I continue to push away.  I want to be fully known.  I want to know that I am fully loved, even though or maybe because I am fully and truly known. It’s maybe my deepest desire within myself.
So here we are, my God and I.  Together we face some unpleasant situations of my own making.  Together, we deal with those things.

Reckoning. Reconciling.  Learning to trust again.

 

 

Dating but…

Sunkissedsoul

Just a little break from work and school stuff to share something I’ve been pondering the last week or so.

This pretty much applies to my single friends, but of course, anyone’s thoughts are welcome.

So…I’ve been dating for a couple of years now. If you know me, you know that the whole dating scene was pretty new to me after the divorce, right?

Let’s just say I’ve learned and continue to learn so much about myself and about my own patterns (good and bad) through this process. It’s easy to go where I am comfortable, even if comfort is not in my best interest.

If there is interest on both sides, I am learning the value in sticking with one person at least to explore each other for a time and not going on other dates during that time frame.

A dear friend and I had this conversation and I found so much significance in it. Online dating gives us the constant option to keep looking ‘for the next best thing’ and in doing so…we aren’t being present and exploring what’s right in front of us.

Why? For me, I think when I started dating, everyone just told me this is what we do…date lots of people…so I did with the exception of those two relationships. Honestly…not so fabulous.

All of that said…I have an observation. Out of the ‘sample population’ that I have dated…there have been a couple of relationships, many first dates, and a few several time dates. I think that sums it up.

Out of all of these, I can name only 3 people who have been totally honest with me. I mean honest in saying what their intentions are, whether they be a long term relationship, marriage, fun, or just sex. Three men. Not cool. (except one that was a little creepy honest and I could’ve done without that).

I get it if you aren’t sure what your intentions are…say it. I get it If you desire nothing but a sexual relationship, say it. To engage someone on this level and indicate that you want a relationship when that is not at all the truth…just a jerky thing to do. Give them an informed option.

I’m quickly losing my naivety but don’t want to become jaded in the process.

If you want to explore your relationship with someone and would like that to be something you are on the same page about, say it.

And for goodness gosh sake, if you are no longer interested, please, please, please be honest and kind and tender. Don’t just disappear. It is mean and it is cowardly.

We can all be grown up’s, right?

It just feels like dating increases the likelihood of disposability, like people are seen as objects rather than humans with a heart, emotions and a brain.

So…what’s your view? I am kinda not in the mood for jokes, I am truly seeking thoughtful feedback.