Fathers Day 2021

Happiest Fathers Day in Heaven to our dear Daddy. 💔❤️.

As I sit on the porch of a home you never got to see, I’m sipping my coffee and thinking of you. You would be proud of my little garden, no matter if it was succeeding or failing.

By this time in the morning, you would be up, you would’ve gone for your walk and been freshly showered and smelled like cologne and you (sometimes I think I catch a whiff of you and then it’s gone.)

You most certainly would’ve kissed mom good morning, even if she was still sleeping. I remember when I used to sneak in bed with you guys, you would kiss both of us goodbye in the early morning. Often giving my foot an over the cover squeeze with your big ole hands, and nothing felt safer.

Back in the good ole days, you would’ve been making breakfast for all of us and chopping up somebody’s eggs the way only you could.

I miss you in all of the ways. We all do.

No matter how much I seek you, there will never be another you. I look for pieces of you every day in everyone and everything.

I hope you are dancing in heaven and knowing how well loved you always were and will always be.

Friends

“Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.“

I remember that tune well from Girl Scout days. The older I get, the truer I find it to be.

Some of my golden friends have stayed in my life and I hope they are with me until the day I am no longer here. Another handful of my golden friends are no longer in my life.

It’s so hard to let go, especially when I don’t understand the why’s. Praying about letting go is easy, putting into practice the actual act of letting go is something that goes against every fiber of my being.

With loss comes grief. Sometimes, when I think things are getting better, another wave of loss hits me or comes in a different form. That’s OK. I loved those friends well and for whatever reason, the season for our friendship is not right now.

We have all experienced loss of relationship, it just looks different for each of us. In grief and in healing, there is reflection.

One of the precious hearts in my life shared this morning, her words soaked straight into my spirit. She said…

“In my previous life my friendships were the kind that “poked fun” at each other in sometimes hurtful ways, and I bore the brunt of the “fun”, and it tore me down.”

I felt her words in every way. Friendship should offer reciprocity, respect, grace, forgiveness, safety. Friendship should not offer fear, accusations, faking for the sake of acceptance, disregard for another or using humor as leverage to hurt.

Looking back, that’s what I was feeling in some old friendships. I still miss them, letting go is hard even if it is best.

In this new space, I am grateful and I am still sad for the loss. I don’t believe that God took the friendships away from me, I do believe we all have some kind of lesson in the hurt and beauty comes out of ashes.

I’m going to spend my time focusing on the gratitude and on developing new, healthy friendships. I have changed a lot over the past few years. There are times that people won’t let you grow and instead they let you go, or vice versa.

I told God that I didn’t want to let go, I wanted my normal back. God told me to let go and trust him, He had good things in store for me.

I’m still not “there” but I’m beginning to let go instead of just continually grapple.

In the meantime, an amazing new tribe of women have come into my life. They are safe, accepting, fun and already golden to me.❤️🙏

Holy Spirit Help Me

So flipping much to say. So little time to say it. Listening to Transformation Church series on the Holy Spirit….leads me to ask for help and knowing the Holy Spirit in a more intimate way….leads me to being embarrassed to share bc I don’t want to offend anyone who holds a different belief system than I…..leads me remember humility and that I’m not here to please or appease others….and there is just SO MUCH LEARNING and change and goodness going on inside of me.


This morning the sermon ended with a directive to ask the Holy Spirit what He is trying to say to me through this message. Cool…I can do that. I asked. I listened and my heart immediately said, “I AM HERE, then, now and always” (what filled my heart for then, now and always is for another time of sharing). Then I recalled a conversation with a client yesterday…more on that coming.


Yesterday, a client that I love dearly who tends to be a little on the super grumpy side…asks me if I am dating anyone. Then asks me if I have taken my test yet (she remembered from a year ago and has been a huge cheerleader for me during grad school and beyond). I tell her the test is next Tuesday and though I’ve been studying like crazy for months, I am terrified. She tells me (she has never ever shared any ‘God’ talk) that I just need to ask the Holy Spirit for help. She tells me that whatever I put in, He will help me extract as needed; both the good and the bad. That struck me deeply.


Today…a very unexpected phone call…

“This is Jane Louise, you helped me a couple of years ago”

“I just want to thank you for your help”,

“I’m doing wonderful, little by little and one day at a time.”

“It’s still a struggle; yet I feel like a child learning to live again.”

“Life gives us just what we are supposed to have.”

“I finally reached the bottom and couldn’t face another day.”

“I finally asked God for help and started praying AND letting Him help me.”

“I am playing piano again and finding the things that give me joy.”

“I think of you often.”

“Sarah, you are the first person I was able to connect with. Knowing you were a phone call away gave me so much hope and strength.”


I listened as hot tears rolled down my cheeks. My heart was exploding with gratitude. I remembered this woman like she was sitting here today. I rarely forget my clients. I might forget their names, I don’t forget their stories.


When she came, she was really considering suicide. She was desperate, hopeless and wishing for death to come upon her (her words).


We connected for a short time and then, she kind of dropped away. Sometimes that happens (too often) in this world. I have wondered countless times what happened to her. I wondered if she had chosen to step out of darkness by stepping into hope or by giving her pain a final rest.


She chose life. God bless her, she chose life.


After thanking her for calling and telling her what that meant to my heart; I told her I thought she was tremendously brave for reaching out. She told me that she was not brave, she was desperate and that it was terrifying to reach out when she did.


“Isn’t it so marvelous that sometimes it takes desperation to make us brave?”, I asked.


My heart is so full. We all matter, don’t ever forget that.


Choose life. Also…special note to self…choose to listen.

God bless

God bless those who are brave enough to share their thoughts, even when they are not popular opinions.

God bless those who do the right thing and speak their truth, even when it means losing adoration.

God bless those who sit quietly in the corner wishing that they could get past the lump in their throat and speak.

God bless this who help the silent corner sitters find their voice.

God bless the voices and experiences, this journey can be daunting.

❤️🙏

Watch your words

Truly, I try not to let irritants bother me, especially when it doesn’t affect my own life. This one though…it’s a big ugh for me personally.

I am frustrated by the continual use of the term narcissist directed at anyone who exhibits as#holeish behavior. Why does this bother me so? It bothers me because those with mental health disorders already are stereotyped in our society, true narcissism is a complex personality disorder, and if there were as many narcissists in the world as people we point fingers at, this world would be a terribly lonely place.

The majority of us will exhibit what could be categorized as a narcissistic behavior once in a while; we ALL are capable of being a jerk sometimes.

Labels are something I feel strongly, strongly, strongly should be used with caution. Not all a holes are narcissist, they are simply a holes. There are people qualified to give out DSM diagnoses, and even then it can be a slippery slope. To me, an unqualified person throwing about labels feels equal to my diagnosing myself on google (which I’ve been guilty of many times).

The useful purposes of an official mental health diagnosis are neither to justify name calling or to excuse behavior. It’s no different than saying, ‘oh, he’s so bipolar’ (having a bad day and then a good day does not bipolar make); ‘she’s so adhd’ (really hurts when your kiddo is…they have brilliant minds btw); even, ‘you are crazy’ (someone is saying something we might not jive with). Turning clinical diagnoses into daily adjectives is unacceptable; think of the impact before speaking.

I wonder if, when we make our focus about what someone else is, are we more able to excuse our own accountability? In no way am I excusing any kind of abusive behavior, I am saying there is value in focusing on our own unhealthy patterns.

In the end, within ourselves is the only thing we have the power to change. To a person who has lived with, loved or cared for a true narcissist, I am sorry. I know it sucks. This post is not directed at those people; or anyone really. I see so much of this throwing around diagnoses by many unqualified individuals in the areas of law; dating and more…it feels really unfair.

What’s done is done, what’s gone is gone….right?

“What’s done is done, what’s gone is gone. One of life’s lessons is always moving on.”

I saw this posted here or somewhere and it pinged my heart deeply. As a result of my divorce; countless beautiful things have happened. I healed things in myself that I didn’t know needed healed. Subsequently, healing things between my children and I is ongoing. I went back to and finished grad school. I moved from the only home I have known for my lifetime.

All of this is beautiful yet I have realized recently the heaviness of things I am holding tightly onto. My ex spouse did not choose me. He did not choose our family over his desires. Four years later; we have a wonderful friendship and co-parent well; still; I have felt so betrayed and abandoned. I am sad and feel that we (not just he) forever changed the trajectory of our children’s lives.

I believe I am right where I am supposed to be. I am not as sure when it comes to my kids. I do know we are still a family and love our children and each other dearly; our family just looks different. It is difficult for me to consolidate the pain and sadness with the healing. It seems strange that the feeling angry and the grief are hitting me now more than before. It’s hard for me to know that even though I choose forgiveness multiple times a day (on most days); I still haven’t forgotten the hurt.

Perhaps it’s because I truly want to move forward. I want to love and be loved by a partner. I find myself consistently choosing relationships with really good men yet they just aren’t quite all the way available in some aspect. Then I wonder if I am doing that on purpose to avoid more hurt and so I can say it’s them, not me. Maybe it’s me who won’t make myself all the way available.

It’s all so much to unwind sometimes.

I know it’s done and gone; it’s still hard not to bring into my now. I know I have to trust the process. Sometimes I just wish the process would hurry the hell up.

Expansion

In the car, I share with my 16 year old daughter a new idea I have. “Let’s make a vision board together.” She responds with an alarmingly monotone, “why”? “Well because”, I explain; “we can get out our goals and see what we are working toward.” “Like what”, she inquires. “You know, like I want to write a book someday.”, I say.

She proceeds to tell me she knows her goals and doesn’t really need to do this and I should just write the book. I tell her that I don’t even know how to start. Her response? A deadpan (just like her dad) response…”Just sit down at the computer and start writing.” Essentially, just do it.

What? I am really busy studying; introspecting; living life; being mom; working; yoga-ing; justifying; giving ALL of the reasons why I can’t. Why I won’t. Why I haven’t. I can start but then what. What if I can’t find my direction? What if it turns out to be a pile of nonsense that no one cares to read?

I have spent the last two weeks dwelling on what is not. Pondering my failures and fears, really soaking in the muck. One of the biggest things that I have physically felt is the literal hard to swallow feeling when I am holding back what is inside of me. Too much holding back for the appeasement and approval of others. Yuck. I don’t want to feel this all the days of my life.

I’d rather let it out. Speak my story. Maybe it’s just part of my healing process, perhaps the writing is only for me. I don’t know. I’ll never know if I keep holding myself back in countless ways.

Freedom. It’s what I’ve wanted for an eternity. Expansion over waste. Filling up my space with no apologies and genuine confidence. I want this. I think.

Do I really have to do more than talk? (Oh sweet Alice, you do. You certainly do.)

Just thinking

One of my dearest friends and I had a very heartfelt conversation this week. She had been triggered by a phone call from someone who brought back many old, traumatic memories. In our sharing, she verbalized that the perpetuator of her trauma actually brought so much healing to her life through the pain he caused.


It’s been on my heart since our conversation….there is an immense amount of personal healing that has come to me only through pain that came into my life and was often perpetuated by someone I deeply loved.


I’m not blowing sunshine up anyone’s butt here; I just want to encourage you. Sometimes the darkest times in life force us into looking at things we didn’t even realize were still hurting us. That doesn’t mean to deny the pain you might be feeling,


It’s just that rainbows really do come after rain; there is treasure among the trash; beauty does come out of ashes; there can be joy in the tragedy; peace can exist amidst the chaos; value can be found in nearly everything. None of that diminishes that sometimes this beautifully hard life just is unfair and sucky.


A quote my dear friend and I cherish…”THE WOUND IS THE PLACE WHERE THE LIGHT ENTERS YOU.”-Rumi


Hold on to hope. Reach out for help. No one needs to travel this journey alone.


XOXO and so much love.

Current status…Me

Deep thought for the day… Just a few years back, I longed to be more of a bitch. A woman that people, especially men could possibly be intimidated by at times. I thought that ideal might be more sexy and confident than what I felt inside of me.

As I grow into myself and become more and more comfortable with who God created me to be, I realize that’s simply not who I am. When I am behaving in that manner, (bitchy), it comes from a place of fear and never for the right reasons.
What works for me? Being myself. You might like me and you might not; either way is perfectly OK.

These days, I am honored when somebody calls me “sweet Sarah“ or anything of the like. That’s my true nature and I’m glad for it. Sometimes I get a, “Sexy Sarah” as well and that’s very definitely a part of me too. We all know that I get a smart or a sassy or a silly much of the time. Little bits of me.

I realize that I’m a little more complicated then Ive given myself credit for and that’s not a bad thing. I think we all are because we are all these pieces of a mosaic trying to fit ourselves together. That’s beautiful.❤️

The coolest part is that’s sweet doesn’t mean stupid, sexy doesn’t mean easy and being a feeling person doesn’t mean I’m weak.

I am only being who I am created to be, and that my friends, is a powerful thing.

Happy Sunday.❤️🙏

She didn’t do it!

I always love to share a good giggle…so, here you go!

I took a quick break to walk Maple. I live in a lovely condo and many of my neighbors in our community are older. There are as many dogs as people, and it’s always impressed upon residents to please pick up your dogs poo. As a side benefit, I have become and expert and conscientious poo picker upper.

So…here we are walking in the cold, rainy weather just minding my business while letting Maple take care of her business. Maple has a habit of squatting and acting like she is going to poo but she will change her mind and move on before ‘producing’ anything.

I hear someone yelling, “hey” and I turned around to see a petite, round older lady walking her dog. She said, “Don’t you need to pick up your dogs poop?” I explain that Maple didn’t poop, I laughed and said she was just practicing. Miss Thang didn’t laugh.

She proceeded toward me, “do you even have bags, we are supposed to watch out for each other and the poop.” (okay?) I produce my bags out of my coat pocket and hold them up as proof.

Then…she took her phone and took my picture. That’s when I was really taken aback. Instead of being rude, I laughed and told her that I was glad I wore make up and did my hair today. I was trying so hard to be friendly.

Back in the house, I had to make a call to the office manager and relay the whole story. I was so afraid she was going to take my picture in and say I didn’t pick up Maple’s non existing poo. There is a big fine around here for violating that rule…and I get it!

My office manager had a great giggle and asked me to describe my new friend. I guess I’m not the first person this happened to, lol!

People are funny.🧐