Wonder

If I wrote all the things inside of me right now absent of any fear of being judged an awkward individual at best; and at worst, someone to be embarrassed for…if I wrote all of those things I wonder what would even happen. I guess it’s okay to be awkward but for the love of all things good; I would despise anyone believing I needed them to be embarrassed for me. Acceptance…it matters.

If I explained in detail how last night was abundantly full of love, laughter and God winks that came unexpectedly, after I’d spent a day crying and mourning what my life once was and grieving what wasn’t to come…if I shared all the blessings and struggles within the last 24 hours…I wonder the likelihood of conveying the wonderfulness and wackiness of life with authenticity in a way that didn’t make you say pityingly , ‘aw, bless you your heart.’ For, I don’t want to be pitied; I want to be understood.

If I told all the ways I had spoken to myself hatefully this past week; while pouring my love into others…I wonder if you would wonder at what point I lost respect for boundaries and for myself. When did I make the decision to put away my own self in favor of others?  Where am I in here?  In saying this, I want it understood that I am no saint, nor am I martyr.  I do certainly get my rewards from pouring my love out; it’s oddly natural for me.  What’s not natural is the reception of the same love; or the steady discernment to know if it is a true love being given or one that comes with certain conditions.

If I told you that you know me in intimate, intricate ways, yet you really hadn’t begun to know me at all….that I protected my shame like a champion; would you want to know more or would slowly disappear from the scene?

If you knew how I could feel a billion feelings in a nanosecond and at the same time; stay protected in my invisible bubble to protect this tough and tender heart of mine. Would you run away, stay in silence, stutter an uncomfortable response, or something else? Would you take my vulnerability as desperation or would you see me here in the light that I stand? Would you stand there beside me and hold my hand and my heart in safety?

I wonder what I am supposed to do now.

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