There are the things that I dare not speak of in direct manner; for bringing the words to actual life makes my stomach knot; my throat lump, my body weighted and my heart anxious and afraid.
Then there comes a time; the words have to come to life because they are already living a life inside of me, dwelling in the darkness of my belly and trying hard to rise to the top, come out and scream loudly until the whole earth hears my pain.
These unspoken words have a secret power within me; they are my own weapon of self destruction. These silenced, swallowed words are a culmination of all of the things I am supposed to ‘be over by now’. The hurts that I have worked incredibly hard to overcome. The wounds that have left scars; yet the scars are healed. These words don’t deserve to come out….oh….but they do. They are. Little by little the time comes and though it is difficult, it s not impossible as I remind myself that I CAN DO HARD. I have been doing hard, just not in the direction of hard I want to continue going. I am weary of holding monitor over all the ick; tired of my own pride.
What I do know is that the father of my children is about to move in with his girlfriend. What I do know is that the father of my children is a dear man and a precious friend and that he deserves to be healthy and happy and whole. What I do know is that his partner has nothing to do with anything that led to the end of my marriage and that she is a good person. What I also know is that this news has jolted me as if I just found out he was leaving our family. What I also know is that the grief this week has been an overwhelming blast. What I also know is that I am exhausting myself avoiding my feelings. What I do know is that I feel lonely and a little afraid. What I do know is that there is an avalanche of words here, I’m choking on them, and some are still stuck deep into my soul….I’m taking one bite of the elephant at a time.
I don’t believe I have ever had any intention of reuniting with my ex husband, not for a very, very long time have I thought that. I am dealing with that everlasting tape of ‘why did he not choose his own family?’ It’s a lifelong tape that began way before he ever was in my life. ‘Why was I not chosen?’; ‘Why am I not worth it?”; ‘Why am I picking up the pieces of someone else’s mess?” ‘Where is my worth, am I even worthy?’ Then it is this whole mess of standing in the middle of a tornado spinning in all these BIG emotions and trying to ground myself and not get caught up and fly off in the whirlwind. I could kick myself for being here. At the same time, I trust am supposed to be here. I don’t have to like it though.
I know that I am trying to find my place in this world. Professionally, personally, spiritually; all the ways. I feel like a familiar and friendly soul who is wandering and searching for belonging. My son is doing awesome in his career and I see him growing leaps and bounds. My daughter will soon be going to college and this momma heart is so proud of these babies…but now where is my biggest purpose? I know that I am now licensed and have so many professional options. I despise that every time I consider going out ‘on my own’, I remind myself that I am not partnered with anyone and I have to think extra hard and make sure I have things handled financially. I know that I have many dear friends and at the same time, feel out of place nearly everywhere I go outside of family and work. I know that despite my greatest intentions, I have secrets I am keeping and I am feeling like a kept secret. I know I am a little bit lonely and longing and also that maybe I’ll never meet someone special. I know I am trying to be at peace with that. I know I am in the messy middle and trying to find the value. Trying to seek faith over fear. Trying to allow myself to feel.
That’s me…then there are the beloved people I am hurting for. That’s only the tip of the iceberg. I know so much more.
I know I have cherished family members who are aging; dealing with illness; struggling in their own ways, dealing with continued stressors and hurts; just swimming and swimming and swimming and trying not to sink. I really wish for a magic wand.
I know I have beloved friends with full plates, challenges, fears, insecurities, a thousand anxieties and hurts and inquisitions. Making their ways through their own grief and unexpected loss and changes in life.
I know that one of my dearest and nearest friends is struggling hugely. I know that life has not treated him fairly and kindly, he is angry and in his own words, ‘full of hate and lost.’ I hear him more than he knows. The lost feeling; it resonates. As for the hate, whether we turn it inward or outward or even upward, it sucks, bad. I know that this precious warrior is stronger and more beloved than I fear he will ever know and that it literally aches my heart to not be able to convey that to him in word or action. He reminds me so very much of the father of my children. The most exquisite heart that is unable to receive the joy and love it gives out. So I pray, and I pray and I pray to the God he isn’t sure is there. That resonates too. It wasn’t so long ago that I also was wondering. I hope with every bit of hope in me that there is some beautiful AHA moment that brings him goodness and relief. While he is hurting badly, I am brought back to what life was sometimes like in my marriage; and what it was like to not be able to help the person you love most because they didn’t think they were worthy of help and maybe didn’t want to get better in those moments. You know…the devil you know is better than the one you don’t.
I know that my hip hurts and I am fifty. I know that my recent health follow ups were good and I am thankful. I know that I am not taking care of myself consistently and that I am working on it; and the knowing that I struggle is another way I guilt and shame myself. I know that life could be just beginning. Maybe. I know there is a flip side, but let me focus on the beginning right now.
So out the words begin to come. They are not venomous; not clouded with retaliation; they are just words that come with feelings and memories and what if’s…oh but it feels so good to let them come out.