Tag: wine

Simply. Beautiful. Chaos.

Sunkissedsoul

In less than ½ a year from now, I will be 50 years old.  

I am proud of who I am. 

 My heart is tender and compassionate.  I am smart.  I am witty.  I am hard working, kind, loving and I have a lot to give.  Also, I am stubborn to a fault.  I can take a lackadaisical and scattered approach to life.  I sometimes am far more considerate of others than of myself; and at the same time can be selfish and run by motivating factors that I wish didn’t motivate me.  

I am reflective, I am unique.  I struggle with small talk unless it is obligatory.  I have been told that “I am too much”; and it wasn’t in the ‘good’ too much kind of way.  

Tears come as easy as laughter. Food, whiskey, wine and coffee; being consumed by work and men temporarily fill a hole in my heart that longs for something deeper. 

 I relish digging in the dirt, breathing in nature, talking with God, reading the Bible and also reading Anais Nin, bubble baths, writing, being with those I love, and being alone with my neverending thoughts.  Those things feed my soul.

I love hard.  It is difficult for me to let go of things that once were or things that might’ve been.  I prefer seeing the possibilities over the reality at times.  

I am human.  Messy. A student of this life.

 I am beauty in the chaos; with an emphasis on the chaos.

I am simply Sarah.

I know who I am.  I know my value.  So why, why, why do I so quickly forget that when it comes to men?  Why do I push things under the rug that I know are harmful to my heart; contort myself to make another person comfortable and chase the love someone does not have to give me?  And, why for the love of all things good, do I equate healthy men with boring.  Not cool Sarah.  Not cool.

These are the thoughts I ponder tonight.  

I was going to write this entire synopsis on my dating journey and sexual awakening; it turns out that’s not really the gist of what is on my heart.  Kind of.

What the gist of it all is isn’t about what the men have or haven’t done in my life; it’s about searching for a deeper understanding of why I have allowed myself; perhaps even put myself in less than stellar situations.  Why have I decided to continually settle, be in relationships where someone mistakes me for a momma or their personal therapist, or place more value on whether I meet their standards than raising my own?

I desire a reciprocal, romantic, respectful relationship where passion is very much alive.  Is it the fear of growing old alone that pushes me into the zone of what isn’t best for me?  Is it the comfort of having someone that drives me there?  I don’t know.  

I do know that exploring the places I am accountable is a good thing.  I do know that although I  don’t ‘need’ a man; I totally desire a companion and that’s okay.  I just need to figure out why I am still so willing to compromise on my ‘non negotiables’ and then I resent the hell out of them bc of my choices.  That makes no sense. 

Wish me luck.  It looks like I have some hard work to do and some healthy boundaries to establish; starting with me.

Covid 19 Vaccine Dose 1

Sunkissedsoul

Hi everyone…
Super vulnerable post here…please scroll on if you aren’t in the mood for my honesty. I’ll still love you.
I hesitated to post the picture of me after I got the first covid vaccine this evening. Why do you ask? Because I was very afraid of judgement or people wondering why I got it now. I am not in health care. I am young(ish), healthy, energetic and not on the phase one list from what people who don’t know me can tell.
If you have been a close part of my life; you know that one of my biggest challenges is admitting that my health history differs from anyone else. I KNOW my life is a miracle, I believe all of our lives are miracles…I’ve just gotten many little miracles that are in my face along the journey. I’m a little prideful (and a lot grateful). Sometimes that pride wins. Never will I willingly place myself in a position to be seen as weak or less than. If that means faking my way through something that scares the shit out of me, I can go there quicker than you can blink your eyes. But on the inside, I am so afraid. That stance is exhausting.
I lived 47 years ago through a major surgery for a congenital heart defect. The odds were 50/50. I am here. I have people I love with all of my heart who lost their babies who had the same defect or even a lesser defect in recent years. Why? I have no answers. Guilt and shame…I do carry those well.
That big ole stroke in 2009 that I fought forever to get through my head that it wasn’t my fault. It really wasn’t my fault. There was a hole in my heart and it let a clot through and the result was that I got to learn to walk again. The biggest gift is the takeaway lessons I got. Life isn’t about staying busy and important; love wins and I can do things I never imagined I would ever have to do. So much more…not in the place to discuss all of that here. I remember the doctor well who indicated I was lucky to have ‘made it’. More guilt. More shame. How many people don’t make it?
I went to the dr yesterday for a little procedure. I had just experienced two of the most painful injections…one in each plush butt cheek. I was feeling weepy and helpless. If you have been subject to lots of ‘being the patient’, you understand the vulnerability of that moment. She chose that time…when I was laying on the table with no way to escape (super smart lady)…to discuss with me the reasons I was ‘high risk’ even though I was a ‘poster child’ for tetrology of fallot and she wanted me to be on the list for the high risk vaccinations. So, to the list I went.
I do not identify myself as a person with a significant health history; I fought long and hard not to do that. I do not want to be known as high risk anything.. I identify as me…a brave, joyful, loved by God, whimsical woman who is whole, surrendered and basking in the warmth of God’s sunshine. That is me. But sometimes I forget and it becomes more important to me to make sure that ‘you’ don’t think me less and I try too hard to explain.

In gracious answer to anyone who rightly wonders how and why I got that vaccination early….there you go. I’m sorry. I know there are a billion of me walking around and I want everyone to get a vaccine sooner than later.
Also, I take no moment for granted; good or bad. Treasure your moments. For real. Before covid, after covid…everything in between…this is your one beautiful life.
I am going to have one little bitty more glass of wine, go to bed and give thanks and prayers for it ALL.
Sweet dreams.

In gratitude

Sunkissedsoul

Tonight I shall lay my head on my pillow and say my prayers.

I will express my gratitude because today, I lived. I might’ve lived messily. My feelings may have been all over the place and it was a little icky…but I lived.

Today, I told many people that I loved them (and meant it); and I was loved by many (albeit through texting, phone calls, face time and all that stuff).

Today was quieter with work; still, I worked from home with Seniors who are so scared. I drank lots of coffee and took in lots of emotions.

Tonight, I enjoyed a little red wine, ate chips and guacamole for dinner, continued to pack boxes and talked to dear friends. I laughed and I cried.

I went through ALL of J and S’s baby clothes and I reminisced. I am certain I can still smell their little baby selves and feel how they molded into my arms and against my chest. I prepared their clothes to be passed on to great nieces, great nephews and sweet young friends.

I got dumped by the guy I was seeing. By text. Ouch, I thought he was different. Better luck next time and best wishes to him. I thought about how much this Coronavirus has me longing for what I’m missing.

And then…I got a sweet text from my daughter. I recalled that my precious son came to visit today. I revisited all of the love that IS in my life. I gave thanks for the wisdom my dear friends and family share with me so generously. I looked at my fur babies and I reminded myself that feeling lonely is not the same as being alone.

So when I lay my head on the pillow tonight, it shall be in gratitude that I am here and that you are here. That we had another day. I will talk with God and ask him for peace and understanding and for health and wellness for His people. I will ask Him to be with the families of those who are not here, whether due to stupid coronavirus or something else. Most of all, I will ask him to help me to continue to walk in love, even when and especially when it’s hard.

Sweet dreams my loves.

Simple Gifts

Sunkissedsoul

One of those rare nights that gained a forever spot in my heart…Laying in the grass, staring at the stars and connecting; real conversation, singing those songs that bring back so much, laughing hysterically and a bit of yummy wine….exactly the medicine my heart needed.

Refreshment. Friendship. Nature. Awareness.
It really is the simple things. Commemorate the moment, right?☺️ Right.
 
#Itrustyou
#lol
#coffeekissesconnectionnotambiguous
#hereisthepyramid
#timeandprobability

#northstarwhereareyou