Tag: wind

Cha-Ching

Sunkissedsoul

Those credit cards that are offered with no interest for a year…then if you don’t pay, the interest has accrued the entire time and CHA-CHING….everything is due.  #life

All the emotions, desires, regrets, grief and stuff that I have managed to keep nicely boxed seems to be screaming….”BALANCE PAST DUE!”

In honor of this reconciliation; Spotify gifts me with ” my most loved songs of 2019″. Songs of life, love and love lost permeate the air.

I dream up all the things that life is not but ‘should be’ and try to fit those things nicely with the reality life is offering. My thoughts are intertwined with a hurting heart and I’m desperately fighting to simply ‘sit with “It”; “It” being the unpleasantness.

The wind is strong, the night is dark.  I imagine the leaves dancing and fluttering their way to new locations; far from the safety of the now barren trees they once were attached to.

If the leaves could talk, I feel we would have much in common.  I, too, am fluttering about; unsure of where I will land next.

I see that someone else is living in the life that was once mine.  I want to latch onto the notion that this is not how things ‘should’ be.  I want to take back what is ‘mine’.  That thought makes me laugh.  It also makes me cry.  I own nothing and nothing is mine.

I am.  That is sufficient.

The home I have known my entire 47 years is for sale.  My heart is broken yet I know these  broken pieces still make a whole and my home is truly where my heart is.

My oldest kiddo is driving.  My youngest kiddo just got rid of her braces. I got a “new to me” car.

I have completed a Master’s program and am simultaneously thrilled and terrified.  I followed through with a really hard task, and I struggle to not allow the worry of the unknowns steal the joy of now.

Three years later, it has dawned on me that it’s perfectly good and okay to move on from the marriage I once had.  I just have to figure out how.  I want my own version of a fairy tale.  Before that, I have to surrender my all to the God I (kind of) trust.

Stretching.  Trusting.  (Trying hard).

A fluttering, sputtering leaf who desperately wants to safely land.

Please God, just let me land.

 

 

 

 

Hot Mess, no doubt

Sunkissedsoul

Ah! Today is messy, messy, messy. It is the last day at work for my co-worker, for whom I will be stepping into her position. She is also a dear friend and my heart is a little sad. She also knows everything about everything at work that I need to know and I only hope I can fill a little bit of her space! So…there’s that.

This morning, I was at the gym at 6:30. I didn’t want to be there. I had to argue with myself the entire time. Seriously. I had decided earlier this week that two days a week, I will be doing 1 hour of cardio vs. 30-40 minutes on the other days. That’s all fine and good but I’m telling you…if my thighs could scream you would’ve heard them all across the Tulsa/Jenks area. Ouch, ouch, and ouch. Whatever. I did it.

I ran into Walgreens to pick up cinnamon gum, and they did not have the kind I love that doesn’t seem to set my mouth on fire. I chose peppermint gum. And…I stopped at the register, stuck my card in to pay and pulled it out before it had a chance to do anything. Then, I picked up my gum and walked out the door. The cashier yelled, like frantically, at me to come back. Alarmed, I turned around and she told me I didn’t pay. Oops. Really. It was just an oops because I am in my very own world today! Sorry.

My hair is all over the place, thank God today is salon day. My face keeps breaking out due to a second puberty, I guess. My mind is here, there and everywhere.

Walking into work, I spilled half of my iced coffee all down my pretty red silkish material shirt. It’s actually an awesome look and I am certain I smell even more delicious than I already did!

Is it too late for a re-start? Hot mess, indeed.

Happy Wednesday all!