Dear Sis,

Dear Sis (that’s me…dear me)…
 
You are being inundated with unpleasant insights to yourself these last couple of weeks. It’s okay. You are growing so find the value and trust the process.
 
In the meantime, beware of the man who subtly devalues you in the kindest of ways. It might look like this…
 
– “I need someone like you in my life. Nurturing, kind, beautiful eyes and soul. Instead, I always choose the girls who are really hot, into the gym and crazy.” (He sees your beauty and that it’s the kind that matters but you are not going to meet his qualifications…trust this).
 
-“I want more than a hook up. I want a relationship. I want the old fashioned kind of dating where two people become friends and fall in love.” And then…he’s pushing for sex by the end of the night. (and sis, you go right along with it because you think he’s way cool and you want soooooo badly for that empty to be filled. Not gonna get filled for more than a minute….literally. Stop and think).
 
– He is thoughtful, smart, caring and concerned with your wellbeing. He asks how you are and then listens. (for a few weeks). Then, there is no asking how you are. It is sufficient to tell you how awesome he is. Communication quiets and then levels up when it’s getting closer to time for netflix and chill. (This is probably a mirror to how a relationship will work).
 
-“I’m just not good at this part” or “I guess my last relationship hurt me so bad that I’m afraid of…” are usually translatable. Meaning, “I don’t want to put the effort into this friendship/relationship/agreement. I only want my needs met please don’t complicate this with your words. (C’mon, you deserve communication no matter what the agreement is).
 
Sis, listen to words but believe behavior. Please, for the love of God, believe behavior. I know you want connection so badly, but trust God, trust the process and wait for the real good stuff.
 
Know when to walk away….even if he smells scrumptious, delights your mind, intrigues your soul and adored you for a minute.
 
YOU ARE WORTH MORE. TRUST ME.

Grief

I recently read that the best cure for grief was to grieve.  Duh, sounds simple enough.  No big deal until one just feels weary of grieving.  The grief “process”; it’s flabbergasting.  It’s an exhausting, painful, crushing, hard to breathe process and every time your get your head above the waves to catch a breath, the wave crashes over you once more, and you are drowning.  Again.

It’s a lump in the throat that says, “don’t speak” or the torrent of tears will come, but what choice is there?  Swallow the bitter bile down into your seemingly empty soul?  It’s the endlessly sour tummy that won’t go away no matter how many Tums are downed or how cautious the diet is.  It’s the tightness across the back that burns and is only alleviated by deep pressure; because the pressure reminds us that we are alive.  It’s the clenched jaw accompanied by tense neck muscles that are holding the world in place and the twitching eyelid that is imagined to be the worst kind of tumor in the anxious, exhausted mind.

It’s joyful laughter when a certain scent, song, memory…anything comes to surface…but then it is followed by an unsolicited, salty rain…running down soft cheeks without warning.  It is the penetrating sense of emptiness that ravishes the soul and the nightmare that haunts in the daytime.  Grief is the reminder of loss….over, and over and over again.  It is said that time heals all wounds.  I find this to be an intricately woven unreality that was designed to protect hearts from further pain.

Grief is obviously front and center in my world today and the effect is snowballing.   I am hurting for people that I love dearly because they lost a man precious to them.  He was a father, a son, a once in a lifetime dream love, a friend, a brother, an Uncle, not- simply…an honorable man who lived to make others smile.  I hurt for my niece and nephew who have never experienced this kind of loss before.  The first time with grief is unlike anything , the last and the middle griefs are no better.

Heartache.  Loss.  Tears.  Unutterable prayers. Pain.  In all of it, the healing has begun, I think.  Maybe the healing begins the minute we even connect and the pain of loss reminds us just how important love and each moment are.  It doesn’t matter right now though, right now is not celebration…right now just hurts.

I cry for their losses.  I cry for my losses.  I cringe at the thoughts running through my mind.  I wish I had a grief formula to follow.  Do blah blah blah and then do yada yada yada and in a couple of weeks, maybe a couple of months, everything will be okay.  Getting to the point of celebrating what was before the loss will come but your life has been forever changed.  My life has been forever changed.  This is truth and for now, I’m kinda tired of grief and all that accompanies it.