Simple Gifts

One of those rare nights that gained a forever spot in my heart…Laying in the grass, staring at the stars and connecting; real conversation, singing those songs that bring back so much, laughing hysterically and a bit of yummy wine….exactly the medicine my heart needed.

Refreshment. Friendship. Nature. Awareness.
It really is the simple things. Commemorate the moment, right?☺️ Right.
 
#Itrustyou
#lol
#coffeekissesconnectionnotambiguous
#hereisthepyramid
#timeandprobability

#northstarwhereareyou

Advertisements

A reckoning

In the moment
his affection will make you feel wanted,
his words will make you feel heard,
his eyes will make you feel seen,
his hand will make you feel held,
but until you are able to see yourself
as made whole by your Savior
and no one else, 
you will constantly go
from moment to moment
and person to person
in search of a Love
that is only ever felt
in the arms of the One
who knows you better than you know yourself,
and loves you more than anyone else.
                                               -Morgan Harper Nichols
Truth…I am a tiny bit jaded and freaked out.
I’ve had some people really hurt me in my dating (loosely used for sure) experiences.  It’s not all their fault, I have made some poor choices and there is  a consequence for everything we create…currently, it’s an emotional state of empty sadness.
I’m reflecting (read: ruminating) on the people I’ve been trying to impress by giving things that don’t belong to them…specifically man people.  Giving beyond depletion. Giving what I didn’t have to give and yearning for more than they were able to give in return. I have erased that fifty billion times and re-written it because I fear being judged or shamed.  So.  Treat with care.  It would be difficult for one  to judge me more harshly than I judge myself anyway.
I desperately want to feel cherished, not rejected.  I want to be understood, seen, accepted and appreciated for who I am.  I want to be held in the arms that embrace me with protection, respect and deep love.  I want to trust wholeheartedly and without fear of the future.
In the case that I never have those things, I accept the arms that are not equipped to keep me safe and the heart that isn’t healed to love me well.
I want to believe the truth…the stroke didn’t break me, the divorce didn’t break me, my childhood didn’t make me broken, my struggling finances and home in need of repair do not define me.  My mistakes are my fertilizer, my life is a miracle that I don’t need to ‘earn’….the list goes on…I want to believe that I am not broken, I am whole.
Because..you see…if I believe the truth that defines me as whole rather than the lie that I am deficient or broken;  perhaps I will stop accepting casual when casual is not what I want.  Perhaps I will seek out those who appreciate my quirkiness and my intelligence.  Perhaps I will seek out someone who thinks the things I consider broken in myself are the same things that make me beautiful.  Perhaps I will cease justifying when someone essentially dumps me on my ass without warning.  Perhaps I will cease my hateful self talk when I tell myself that this one dumped me because I wasn’t as pretty/thin/wealthy/fun/etc as his new focus and when he treats me less than, I will peacefully walk away.  Because…I will believe that I am worth.so.much.more.
Recently, I was awestruck by the picture I have here of Jesus holding the little girl…I looked at this in a moment of tearful frustration. I treasure this picture.  I have felt held like that before…but it seems like a lifetime ago since I felt that connected to God.  Even longer since I did a trust fall with God.
The deepest part of my heart was pinged.  “Sarah, if you want to be loved fully, you have to let me love you fully first.”  So reminiscent of something a dear friend said to me a few months ago but it wasn’t my friends voice I heard.
Why don’t I let God love me like only He can, preferring to keep him always at a slight distance?  I know the why’s…I’ve analyzed this forever but they aren’t nearly as important as what I’m going to choose now.
Going from moment to moment; person to person, in search of this Love I am intensely afraid of never experiencing…there is loneliness.  Not one moment nor one person is filling me up with this love I am longing for.  I get sad at the end of these ‘moments’, especially when I have earnestly cared for someone and honestly believed they were different.  Again, I can’t expect someone to give me something they don’t have.  I guess I can thank them for helping me see that my focus belongs elsewhere.
The embrace I long for is the same embrace I continue to push away.  I want to be fully known.  I want to know that I am fully loved, even though or maybe because I am fully and truly known. It’s maybe my deepest desire within myself.
So here we are, my God and I.  Together we face some unpleasant situations of my own making.  Together, we deal with those things.

Reckoning. Reconciling.  Learning to trust again.

 

 

If I were to die today…

If I were to die today, I have walked among beauty. I have lived.

I woke up in a warm cozy bed surrounded by three fur babies that believe I am the best thing to have ever walked this earth.

I heard my tummy growl. I could taste and smell the warmth of the unmade coffee as I brought my cup to my lips.

My first thoughts were about my precious children and how deeply grateful I am for them in every way as we journey together through life.

The first human voice I heard was my precious momma telling me she was going to church. I know full well that getting to talk to her each day is a gift I treasure.

I walked outside to feel the glorious sun on my skin, the cool breeze surrounding me, the wet grass beneath my bare feet.

I looked into the bright side, surrounded by a clear,effervescent sky.

I shouted thank you God for breath and this beauty. I believe He heard my gratitude.

I picked the first two strawberries and saw the abundant growth in all the other plants.

I heard the plane flying overhead while the birds sing their songs…Seemingly oblivious to the plane.

As I walked back toward the house, I watched a big bunny rabbit hop across the entirety of the yard and a squirrel walk the fence.

Somehow my dogs did not notice and interrupt their mission.

I breathed it all in. Soak in the moment.

I wish that somebody could see and feel the picture inside my mind right now so vividly.

Because then…If either of us died in this moment, we would both know we had truly lived.