Just practice

I’m not much in the frame of mind for writing deep shareable content right now…my serious thoughts are probably better kept in my journal for the moment.  However, in the midst of chaos, there have been some funny little adventures.  Because I just NEED to write and share, I’ve opted to enhance your lives with one of those funny little adventures….

I’m a single Momma.  I date.  I have had a couple of serious relationships, lots of fun and here I am…still dating.  My life is amazingly beautiful and full…still I have a longing for something?  Someone?  I don’t know.  I mean, I really adore people.  Men are people.  I have great fondness for men…this is fairly new knowledge to me.  They smell good, they generally have deeper voices than I do, just like everyone else…they come in a variety of shapes and sizes.  The vast differences in men and women intrigue me.  (That’s not meant to be a controversial statement, it’s just my perception and truth).  Anyway.,…I try to be open on each date unless someone is just a total creep…because at the very least, I usually make a new friend. ๐Ÿ’‘

I tell you this just so that my attitude toward dating is a little more comprehensive.  There’s a whole book to be written on all that is inside of my heart and mind on these adventures; for now…I just want to share the tale of one recent date.  I have told a few people about this date and truly, no harm toward the guy.  He was super sweet.  Just an awkward evening.๐Ÿ˜ฏ

First, I really wanted to click with this guy…alot.  He had the sexiest phone voice ever, deep and soothing and he always called me Darlin’.  Man!  That country drawl.  Our conversations went on for over a month, they were easy and playful.  He seemed intelligent, sane, safe and creative.  What was not to like?๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ

He drove about two hours for our date, which I sincerely appreciated.  We had decided to meet at a local coffee shop, he was about 20 minutes late because he had gotten lost.  Totally understandable and he was in touch the whole time.  So…he comes in and stands at the door.  I see that he is much smaller in stature than his description, still quite attractive and nicely put together.  Somewhere along the line, I have veered away from smaller guys (I’m not being icky or rude, it might be that I choose someone opposite of my ex) but I reminded myself to stay open. Also, his in person voice was absolutely NOTHING like his phone voice.  That’s okay…was just one of several ‘surprises’. โ˜•๏ธ

I waved at him and he came over.  We shared a brief hug and sat at the table.  For about 10 minutes, we talked and not once would he look up and make eye contact.  He expressed  being extremely nervous.  His being nervous was making me nervous..I totally get that anxiety and desperately wanted to put him at ease.  None of my tricks were working. ๐Ÿงšโ€โ™€๏ธ

Thus…I put on my ‘therapist hat’ and asked him gently to tell me what he was feeling most nervous about.  He replied, “I’m just worried that I won’t meet your expections.”  Ugh.  I already had the feeling in my tummy that this wasn’t a good fit and at the same time, he was so gentle and sincere…and still not making any eye contact.  I finally just asked if he would please look at me.  I expected a shy look, and again, I totally get that shyness! ๐Ÿ‘€

Instead, I was super surprised!  He looked right into my eyes and told me they were beautiful.  I thanked him.  Before I could blink, he put his hands firmly on either side of my face, pulled me toward him, got close enough to touch noses, and then put my hair behind my ears, one side a time.  I was a bit taken aback by his sudden courage and unexpected ‘gesture’.  I am not sure what my expression was…I’m sure it said it all!  My poker face stinks. I asked him if there was something in my hair.  He said ‘no’, he just remembered that I liked my hair put behind my ears. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

I wasn’t really sure where that thought of his originated from and pondered it for days after.  The only thing I could figure out is at one point, we had discussed favorite scenes from movies.  I had mentioned that in “The Notebook”, I think there was a time Noah brushed hair out of Allie’s face when they were young and again when they were old.  I love this because it reminded me of loving gestures I observed between my mom and dad during the process of Dad’s Alzheimer’s. ๐Ÿค—

Beautiful gesture in context.  ๐Ÿ™„

This was not in context.  Nope.  Nuh uh.  Nada. ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Anyway…right back to the nervous no eye contact soon after.  Movie and dinner followed.  Not a good idea to go to a movie on this first date.  I spent lots of time maintaining invisible physical barriers and squirming because he would literally cover my eyes at any adult humor or cursing.๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ

Dinner was nice’ish, with more eye contact and far more relaxed.  He was so open with his story and amazingly good hearted, I really believe this.  He also gagged a few times during dinner because of his weak stomach.  I don’t mean gag on food, I mean gag while he was telling me stories that still caused him distress.  Puke ๐Ÿคฎ

Then…he was quite focused on discussing the upcoming kiss we would share at the end of the evening.  I, on the other hand, was focused on how to politely fend that gesture off.  ๐Ÿ’‹ ๐Ÿ›‘

As we drove back to my car, I thought through how I was going to quickly hug him, say thank you, and move out!  I was distracted from my thoughts by his constant sudden slamming on of his breaks…the traffic made him nervous.  Again…I get it BUT by now I’m feeling like I just wanna go home, safely. โœ‹ ๐Ÿก

We stopped at my car and I probably moved as far away as I could without trying to be ugly.  I thanked him for dinner and told him that my own stomach was feeling unwell.  A quick hug ensued with one arm and I had my other hand on the door handle.  I did ask him to text when he was home safely. ๐Ÿค— ๐Ÿฅด

“Hey Sarah, I’m home.  You don’t have to worry, your body language said it all.  I still think you are a fantastic lady.”  Seriously, so sweet.  I thanked him again, and breathed a sigh of relief.  Just good to be home.  Still, I feel like a piece of ๐Ÿ’ฉ. A๐Ÿ’ฉ who is working hard at keeping a strong sense of humor about this whole journey!

A good reminder for self…just because someone is good does not mean they are good for me.  It’s all good practice, right?  In the meantime, most of the practice is fun and there are really good players on the field.  โšพ๏ธ ๐Ÿˆ ๐Ÿ€ ๐ŸŽพ ๐ŸŒ๏ธโ€โ™€๏ธ โšฝ๏ธ ๐Ÿ‰

The adventure continues….โค๏ธ

 

 

 

Dear Mr. Man

Dear Mr. Man,

I was super excited to go out with you because you seemed a little bit different. Smart, funny but serious too, and kind. I enjoyed hearing all about your health journey (initially).

Your muscles are amazing, I love them! Your smile is great, you smell nice (I would like your cologne to be less sweet). You are lovely to look at, good for a kiss, and very tall.

However…the fact that you are consistently referring to how awesome you look, how sexy you are (especially in comparison to other guys in your age bracket), what an exceptional lover you are, how intelligent you are and what a great catch you are ON THE FIRST DATE is really super unappealing.

Suggestion…maybe ask how I am, what I do, how’s the weather….anything that’s not about you. Obviously you are a busy man, as demonstrated by your strong connection with your phone. Although, I’m thinking you might have an even stronger bond with your mirror.

So…a bit of Wednesday Wisdom…It does not matter how beautifully the cake is frosted when the inside isn’t baked.

Just saying!

Funk town

I’ve been waiting on pins and needles for a dear friend to get his pet scan test results today. Cancer was suspected. He is brave and accepting and when he called, I held my breath and waited for the news. ALL CLEAR. I am so grateful.
 
Spoke with another angel in my life who has struggled with a heroin addiction for years. I was sharing with him how different it was to learn the clinical side of heroin addiction versus seeing him struggle and suffer with it. Right now, he is doing well. Right now is all we have. Again, so grateful.
I received a schedule of the remaining classes I am to finish before I graduate in December.  Six classes, my internship hours and a HUGE project, and grad school will be done.  I get overwhelmed (aka freaked out) with the seemingly impossible task of finishing all of this in a timely manner, yet I am ecstatic about the possibilities.
I have been in a serious funk this week. It has taken the feedback of two dear friends, a sibling and my Momma to get me to see this.  I’ve been entirely consumed by something that has hurt my feelings,  and I’ve failed to remember all about how wonderful this life can be. 
I’m sad that someone I care about might think poorly of me, and I’ve been stuck on spin cycle trying to figure out how to ‘fix’ it.  In other words…how to best control the outcome.
That’s funny, right?  Control…doesn’t look very much like letting go.  Completely opposite of surrender or trusting the process.  Certainly not believing that I am right where I need to be and absolutely not absorbing joy because anxiety is winning out.  So.not.cool.
I posted some quote the other day…I can’t remember the exact words but I know it points to letting go of shit.  (but much more eloquent).  It’s possible to let go of the past while still clinging to the negative cognitions or emotions of it.  Thus, it has to be possible to LET IT ALL GO too.  I’m just not quite sure how.
I’m a little all over the place, please just stick with me because I’m confident that this all fits together some way.  (maybe?)
I’m a fairly confident person in my work, at home, socially, with family and friends, etc.  But, in relationships with men, I turn into an insecure teenager.  (not dissing teens, I just missed out on dating in those years so I’m fully experiencing the turmoil of it now, lol!)  I despise these feelings of doubt, worry, angst, less than, broken and not good enough.  I figure maybe someone else struggles with similar things, and if not…just enjoy a good giggle.
I have this ever growing list of thoughts and conundrums that would really be beneficial for anyone I date to know.  I am considering typing them up and handing them out on an index card on our first date.  Too weird?
Additionally, and important…this list is NOT directed at any person.  It’s just a gathering of my own collective experiences and I am certain that any man could quickly come up with a double the size list for me.
I have gotten immense value out of all of these experiences and although I’m frustrated in this moment, my frustration has far more to do with my own doings than anything else.
1)  If I have taken time out of my life to spend time with you in any capacity, this is a good indicator that I take interest in you and getting to know you.  Unless it is urgent, it would mean the world to me if you would refrain from texting, phone calls, or other technological conversations while we are together.  For the love of all things good, please take special consideration of this tip when it involves others you might be dating.  Despite the status of our connection, it’s just respectful.  I like to feel treasured and present in the moment together.  Doesn’t everyone like that better?  This has happened to me too many times to count and I can’t decide if it’s just today’s dating norm or if I am an attention hog.
2)  If we have been at the point of conversations previously that you have called me ‘beautiful’, ‘cute’, ‘incredibly smart’, ‘sexy’, ‘pretty’ or the like, please continue this during our time together.  Otherwise, I believe that you said what you needed to say to get me where you wanted me and that feels really yucky.  Again, I have chosen to spend this time with you because I take interest in you.  I do not need affirmation every five seconds, but it does feel nice to be noticed.  
I have my insecurities.  Just like my daddy said, “there will always be someone prettier, richer, smarter, etc but you aren’t better than anyone and no one is better than you.”  That is so freaking tough for this heart of mine to absorb.
3)  I can’t speak for everyone, just for me.  Feel free to hold doors open for me, walk me to my car, kiss me hello/goodbye and make sure I get home okay.  It’s just a thing.  When you do these things, I feel valued, safe, and cared for and I will return this tenfold.
4)  I think sex is fabulous.  I believe kisses are the best thing ever invented.  Being held is incredibly delicious.  That said, I also cherish hand holding, deep conversations, sharing views respectfully (even in opposition), laughing, being goofballs and doing things.  You know?  Human vs. object….huge difference.  Treat me like a lady, please.  It lets me know I matter to you.  
5) I am pretty darn cool, but am not anywhere near perfect.  I am intensely, constantly aware of this.  Chances are, you aren’t perfect either.  How awesome if we could build one another up and draw out the good rather than point out one another’s flaws. 
I am consistently working on personal, spiritual, physical and emotional growth.  However, I haven’t ‘arrived’ and doubt I ever will.  It’s all a journey.  If you are at the place that you have achieved perfection, we likely will not be a good match.  Perfection is exhausting…I know…I’ve tried.  I just want to be loved for who I am, don’t you?
6)  Be honest and be gentle.  It’s quite possible for the two to co-exist.  You are deeply interested in someone else, but you want to spend time with me?  Please give me the dignity of being upfront ahead of time and allow me to make a fully informed decision.  I might value you alot more than you know, trust is already hard for me and really don’t want to walk in blind.  Likewise, I will be honest with you from the get go.  I have made the error of not doing so in the past and it’s completely icky.
7)  We are both grown ups by this time in life.  We both bring baggage.  We also still have a lot of fabulous goodness in us as individuals and maybe as a couple.  Recently noted…focus too much on the baggage and old relationships and you will certainly end up in a stuck zone.  No fun.
I’m learning…so many different types of connections.  Just please be real.  Be genuine.  Be truthful.  Be forgiving.  Be present.  I’ll do the same, we are all learning.
I guess I’m holding onto some things.  
Let go.
It’s just stuff.
I’m sure it still all fits together somehow, but hell if I know the how of the some.
Whatever.