Happiest Thanksgiving everyone! As I was mixing my banana pudding ingredients this morning, one of my beaters broke in half and flew across the room…no joke. That is such a mirror to my life right now…things that aren’t supposed to (according to my plans) are unexpectedly flying apart. I can’t help but continue to giggle at the irony of life. My siblings, Momma and I all shared a Happy Thanksgiving love you text this morning and my Momma added…”There’s not an ugly one in the bunch!” My heart smiled so big…this is what my Daddy always said. My heart feels his physical absence super strong this particular holiday season. I have a dear friend in the hospital, two parents I read about just lost their son, my own heart is struggling and I just want my Daddy to hold me tight and let me know everything is going to be alright. So…as I sit in my warm home waiting for the sweet potatoes to be done baking, I sit and write and cry some big ole tears. I contemplate all that I am grateful for. I’m contemplating gratitude not to distract myself from the hurt but to remind myself of the joy in the journey. Again, pain and joy coincide. My God who loves me bigger, wider and deeper than I can comprehend and the faith I have that he is tangible and real in my life, and holds me as I cry. I hurt, but I am certain I am not a Fatherless child in any way. John and Stella and their sweet Daddy, Nathan. They are the hearts that exist outside of my body and within my own heart always. Looking at them consistently reminds me that I’m not in control, even of ‘my’ most prized and cherished treasures. They stretch me in every way, challenge me to be my best and if ever I forget gratitude, I need to do no more than remember I thought a child would never come from my own body. My family. There really isn’t an ugly one in the bunch. I’m talking the inside and the outside. The hearts in this bunch are gloriously beautiful, extravagantly loving and the best shelter a girl could ever have. My friends. We wrap each other in encouragement and love and sometimes we annoy the crap out of each other. Wouldn’t want to do life without them. Healing hearts. The journey of life. Letting go of my attachment to the outcome and learning to just trust the process. Seriously. Christmas music, cooking, warm toes, yummy smelling candles, new experiences, coffee, fur babies, poetry, writing, the ability to contemplate and choose, growth, openness, trust, laughter and tears, prayer, the knowing that despite all of our differences, we are all the same, worship, compassion, tenderness, kissing, kissing, kissing, hugs, kissing, love, snuggles, opportunities, crispy fall leaves (especially heart shaped ones), walking in the sunshine, rainy days, catching snowflakes on my tongue, being a woman and enjoying my feminine self, tolerance, perspective, pennies from Heaven, baby goats, chickens, the bestest cohort ever in the whole wide world, lipstick, perfume, learning that presence is really is the most significant present, connection, conversations, the gift of angels unaware……I could go on for eons. Strange that my heart is so much more peaceful than it was 20 minutes ago. I am held, always, no matter what. So are you. Somehow, everything is going to be alright. No matter where you are in life right now, I pray that peace , hope, health and joy encompass you in the most unexpected ways. Happiest Thanksgiving dear ones.
I’ve been waiting on pins and needles for a dear friend to get his pet scan test results today. Cancer was suspected. He is brave and accepting and when he called, I held my breath and waited for the news. ALL CLEAR. I am so grateful.
Spoke with another angel in my life who has struggled with a heroin addiction for years. I was sharing with him how different it was to learn the clinical side of heroin addiction versus seeing him struggle and suffer with it. Right now, he is doing well. Right now is all we have. Again, so grateful.
I received a schedule of the remaining classes I am to finish before I graduate in December. Six classes, my internship hours and a HUGE project, and grad school will be done. I get overwhelmed (aka freaked out) with the seemingly impossible task of finishing all of this in a timely manner, yet I am ecstatic about the possibilities.
I have been in a serious funk this week. It has taken the feedback of two dear friends, a sibling and my Momma to get me to see this. I’ve been entirely consumed by something that has hurt my feelings, and I’ve failed to remember all about how wonderful this life can be.
I’m sad that someone I care about might think poorly of me, and I’ve been stuck on spin cycle trying to figure out how to ‘fix’ it. In other words…how to best control the outcome.
That’s funny, right? Control…doesn’t look very much like letting go. Completely opposite of surrender or trusting the process. Certainly not believing that I am right where I need to be and absolutely not absorbing joy because anxiety is winning out. So.not.cool.
I posted some quote the other day…I can’t remember the exact words but I know it points to letting go of shit. (but much more eloquent). It’s possible to let go of the past while still clinging to the negative cognitions or emotions of it. Thus, it has to be possible to LET IT ALL GO too. I’m just not quite sure how.
I’m a little all over the place, please just stick with me because I’m confident that this all fits together some way. (maybe?)
I’m a fairly confident person in my work, at home, socially, with family and friends, etc. But, in relationships with men, I turn into an insecure teenager. (not dissing teens, I just missed out on dating in those years so I’m fully experiencing the turmoil of it now, lol!) I despise these feelings of doubt, worry, angst, less than, broken and not good enough. I figure maybe someone else struggles with similar things, and if not…just enjoy a good giggle.
I have this ever growing list of thoughts and conundrums that would really be beneficial for anyone I date to know. I am considering typing them up and handing them out on an index card on our first date. Too weird?
Additionally, and important…this list is NOT directed at any person. It’s just a gathering of my own collective experiences and I am certain that any man could quickly come up with a double the size list for me.
I have gotten immense value out of all of these experiences and although I’m frustrated in this moment, my frustration has far more to do with my own doings than anything else.
1) If I have taken time out of my life to spend time with you in any capacity, this is a good indicator that I take interest in you and getting to know you. Unless it is urgent, it would mean the world to me if you would refrain from texting, phone calls, or other technological conversations while we are together. For the love of all things good, please take special consideration of this tip when it involves others you might be dating. Despite the status of our connection, it’s just respectful. I like to feel treasured and present in the moment together. Doesn’t everyone like that better? This has happened to me too many times to count and I can’t decide if it’s just today’s dating norm or if I am an attention hog.
2) If we have been at the point of conversations previously that you have called me ‘beautiful’, ‘cute’, ‘incredibly smart’, ‘sexy’, ‘pretty’ or the like, please continue this during our time together. Otherwise, I believe that you said what you needed to say to get me where you wanted me and that feels really yucky. Again, I have chosen to spend this time with you because I take interest in you. I do not need affirmation every five seconds, but it does feel nice to be noticed.
I have my insecurities. Just like my daddy said, “there will always be someone prettier, richer, smarter, etc but you aren’t better than anyone and no one is better than you.” That is so freaking tough for this heart of mine to absorb.
3) I can’t speak for everyone, just for me. Feel free to hold doors open for me, walk me to my car, kiss me hello/goodbye and make sure I get home okay. It’s just a thing. When you do these things, I feel valued, safe, and cared for and I will return this tenfold.
4) I think sex is fabulous. I believe kisses are the best thing ever invented. Being held is incredibly delicious. That said, I also cherish hand holding, deep conversations, sharing views respectfully (even in opposition), laughing, being goofballs and doing things. You know? Human vs. object….huge difference. Treat me like a lady, please. It lets me know I matter to you.
5) I am pretty darn cool, but am not anywhere near perfect. I am intensely, constantly aware of this. Chances are, you aren’t perfect either. How awesome if we could build one another up and draw out the good rather than point out one another’s flaws.
I am consistently working on personal, spiritual, physical and emotional growth. However, I haven’t ‘arrived’ and doubt I ever will. It’s all a journey. If you are at the place that you have achieved perfection, we likely will not be a good match. Perfection is exhausting…I know…I’ve tried. I just want to be loved for who I am, don’t you?
6) Be honest and be gentle. It’s quite possible for the two to co-exist. You are deeply interested in someone else, but you want to spend time with me? Please give me the dignity of being upfront ahead of time and allow me to make a fully informed decision. I might value you alot more than you know, trust is already hard for me and really don’t want to walk in blind. Likewise, I will be honest with you from the get go. I have made the error of not doing so in the past and it’s completely icky.
7) We are both grown ups by this time in life. We both bring baggage. We also still have a lot of fabulous goodness in us as individuals and maybe as a couple. Recently noted…focus too much on the baggage and old relationships and you will certainly end up in a stuck zone. No fun.
I’m learning…so many different types of connections. Just please be real. Be genuine. Be truthful. Be forgiving. Be present. I’ll do the same, we are all learning.
I guess I’m holding onto some things.
It’s just stuff.
I’m sure it still all fits together somehow, but hell if I know the how of the some.