This morning, I was looking through old emails…trying to find answers to something within myself. I found this gem…written November 10, 2017…the night after I met someone who became very special to me. Unfortunately, the beginning was far better than the middle to the end. However, even this ugliness was a gift to me in that I learned countless lessons about myself and what I want/don’t want for my heart. Looking back, I can see my own growth as well as some of the choices I made that were out of a very unhealthy place. Out of this little quote taken from one of the emails…
“I’m naturally inquisitive; about myself and others. I am trying to discern where all of this is coming from and why I’m feeling such a strong connection with you after this itty bitty amount of time. I am so much more cautious than this and I am just wanting to make sure I am not searching for validation outside of God and myself. Like….my biggest part of this divorce journey is to surrender to God and have a relationship with him that is stronger than ever and to love myself and not ‘need’ to get that love from someone else. I hope I am making some sense””
Instant strong connections can be a gift. They can also be something that fills an empty in us that is not meant to be filled by another person. Know yourself. Search yourself deeply and with nothing less than brutal honesty. If I had done this then, I might have saved myself some heartache. I also would’ve lost out on a beautiful opportunity to raise my thinking to a higher level, no regrets. Still…lesson learned.
Reflecting on my own words; it would’ve been wise for me to give pause to my knowing. “I am so much more cautious than this and I am just wanting to make sure I am not searching for validation outside of God and myself.” I knew the question but I did not take time to consider my answer. As a matter of fact, I was asking the other party (who I had just met) for an answer to something incredibly deep within myself. My behavior in that moment was so opposite of my usual. Granted, there is freedom in getting outside of our comfort zones but I had lost all rationality and begun operation on an emotionally charged high within a day. In answer to the question…YES!, I was seeking validation outside of God and myself and seeking it instead in a man, in essence, a stranger, who I shared mutual desire with. Acting out of this place is an excellent way to shout, “I’M HERE! I’M VULNERABLE! TAKE ME, WANT ME, CRAVE ME, LOVE ME!” as well as a silent conveyance…”I’m hungry, I’m needy, I’m naive and I’m yours. Lesson learned (or at least, notes taken.) As a very wise man recently asked me; “isn’t it interesting what we seek when our hearts are bleeding?”
“My biggest part of this divorce journey is to surrender to God and have a relationship with him that is stronger than ever and to love myself and not “need” to get that love from someone else.” Gut level honesty….God and I are working together on this. (or perhaps I am working on not playing the ‘come closer, now go away game with God). I have endless questions and possibly some accusations for Him. It’s okay, I truly believe God would rather have my vulnerability and truth than my sugar coated lies…it’s not like I can hide my heart from him anyway.
The hardest part…loving myself and not ‘needing’ someone to fill that need in me. I actually think the not needing comes pretty natural. I tend to be more independent than not, I like my alone time and I have my children and school to focus on…I can strategically document all of the reasons I do not “need” that sort of love. As I relearn who I am, and recreate my story, it is evident that my self-love is increasing, and as it does…the things I seek in others are changing. It’s also becoming clear that I can’t avoid being the relational person that I am and that my soul longs for a kind of love that is full acceptance, mutual cherishing, soothing and hot….all in one. Someday. As I wait… I learn, I experiment, I play, I grow and I honor myself, ‘as is’. Such a time of self-discovery truly is a gift.
Life is full of dichotomies. My ex-husband (aka dear friend) and I spoke about the story of the Two Wolves. It’s always been a favorite.
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
He was gracious enough to share with me his belief that he had chosen to feed the evil wolf for much of our marriage and he cautioned me that the relationship I had just left was the same in that manner. Different circumstances…same wolf being fed. We giggled at the funny, not funny similarities. Both times…I was the wolf food. Both times, I opted to ignore the things that hurt for an in the moment reward. Again, funny, not funny.
Surely joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith (all characteristics of pure love) are more powerful than anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. I am going to do my damndest to see power only where power belongs.
Each lesson decreases the likelihood of my being appetizing wolf food, right? That definitely makes sense.