In gratitude

Tonight I shall lay my head on my pillow and say my prayers.

I will express my gratitude because today, I lived. I might’ve lived messily. My feelings may have been all over the place and it was a little icky…but I lived.

Today, I told many people that I loved them (and meant it); and I was loved by many (albeit through texting, phone calls, face time and all that stuff).

Today was quieter with work; still, I worked from home with Seniors who are so scared. I drank lots of coffee and took in lots of emotions.

Tonight, I enjoyed a little red wine, ate chips and guacamole for dinner, continued to pack boxes and talked to dear friends. I laughed and I cried.

I went through ALL of J and S’s baby clothes and I reminisced. I am certain I can still smell their little baby selves and feel how they molded into my arms and against my chest. I prepared their clothes to be passed on to great nieces, great nephews and sweet young friends.

I got dumped by the guy I was seeing. By text. Ouch, I thought he was different. Better luck next time and best wishes to him. I thought about how much this Coronavirus has me longing for what I’m missing.

And then…I got a sweet text from my daughter. I recalled that my precious son came to visit today. I revisited all of the love that IS in my life. I gave thanks for the wisdom my dear friends and family share with me so generously. I looked at my fur babies and I reminded myself that feeling lonely is not the same as being alone.

So when I lay my head on the pillow tonight, it shall be in gratitude that I am here and that you are here. That we had another day. I will talk with God and ask him for peace and understanding and for health and wellness for His people. I will ask Him to be with the families of those who are not here, whether due to stupid coronavirus or something else. Most of all, I will ask him to help me to continue to walk in love, even when and especially when it’s hard.

Sweet dreams my loves.

The moment I am in

Dear Sis,

Let’s sum up today…

1) My heart is in the weirdest place. Trying to find contentment and value in the now. Like all of the now…not just the parts I enjoy.

2) I thought all week that I had school this weekend and assignments due but I have another entire week before that happens so…whew.

3) I’m baking a bakery full of cookies tonight if that tells you anything.

4) I shared the stories of what I remember of 9/11 with my kiddos. I told them that when it happened, John was a newborn, his dad was out of town working, and I called Nana and couldn’t stop crying b/c I wondered what kind of world I had brought a child into. Today, I pray that these two kiddos make an impact on their world and I am so thankful for them. Everyday, especially on days like today when we are reminded of the preciousness of life.

5) I turned in my graduation application today. What? What? Sooooo in awe!

6) Seasons are changing. Big time.

7) It is supposed to rain this weekend. This means I can write and write and write to my heart’s content…because, you know…rain.

8) Trying to understand why I’m not always in charge of the letting go/letting in process. As a matter of fact…why am I not always in charge?

9) Brains are a funny, magical thing. Actually, brains are funny and intriguing…kisses are magical.

10) My emotions are many tonight, my heart is full, and I’m simply grateful that I can and will process through all of it.

Go to bed sis.

He’s a Shell, Sis. Move on.

Dear Sis,

Being physically attracted to a man is such an amazing feeling…especially when you are both drawn to each other like magnets.
Kissing is fabulous, sacred, beautiful, and fun!
All of the physical things are momentarily delicious, scintillating and normal to crave.
But…when you see that this super hot man is empty of the things that matter most (sharing of emotions, caring in actions AND words, true friendship, etc), it’s so disappointing. It’s even more sad to realize you’ve been kissing a shell of a man.
Kissing a shell. Blech. Sis, even if he is capable and full of those things, he’s choosing not to share them with you.
Picture a hard shell running down the street…would you chase it? If you caught it…then what? Can you turn that shell into your Prince Charming?  Probably not.
Think back to all those shells you’ve had the highest hopes for. Did they change for you? Maybe, once in a while. But that’s rare.
When dating a suspected shell, turn around and RUN! If he makes a real effort, he will catch you and continuously capture your heart with his own. 
If he was a shell after all..be sad for his loss and happy for your wisdom.
Be patient in the waiting. There is a HOT to and for you man with the inside goods who is just waiting for his lady.

In the meantime, find your joy and enjoy this beautiful life in a BIG way! You are worth it!!

Always.

Life

It’s been a teeny bit of a struggle hearing about Luke Perry’s death. I mean, it’s sad when people die anyway. Then, it feels especially sad to me when they are young. He was for sure young.
We are told that Luke died of a stroke. Anytime I hear this, I feel this flurry of emotions. It’s a combination of deep gratitude for being alive and well nine years after the stroke I had, and of intense guilt for being here when others are not. It’s a feeling of being safe and held that is often interfered with by feelings of anxiety and fear.
I want to know all the details of his stroke. How, when, why, where? As if all of these answers bring me a magical always healthy solution. I have such an ability to let my worries spin right out of control until I lose myself in the middle of them. (I’m speaking to health anxiety…not to my whole way of being). The minute I get lost in that world, I disconnect from all that I love.
It’s been a gift to learn this about myself; to be aware of the things I do when I’m heading in that direction; and to do them.
Being still and trusting that God has my back has been huge for me and it’s rarely my first response. Reaching out to the handful of people that know my heart deeply is such a gift, and another thing I rarely do first.
My wise momma once asked me in the middle of one of my biggest times of worrying about losing my life…”We only have this life, are you going to spend it living or dying?” Absolutely I want to spend it living.
It’s a good day.