In gratitude

Tonight I shall lay my head on my pillow and say my prayers.

I will express my gratitude because today, I lived. I might’ve lived messily. My feelings may have been all over the place and it was a little icky…but I lived.

Today, I told many people that I loved them (and meant it); and I was loved by many (albeit through texting, phone calls, face time and all that stuff).

Today was quieter with work; still, I worked from home with Seniors who are so scared. I drank lots of coffee and took in lots of emotions.

Tonight, I enjoyed a little red wine, ate chips and guacamole for dinner, continued to pack boxes and talked to dear friends. I laughed and I cried.

I went through ALL of J and S’s baby clothes and I reminisced. I am certain I can still smell their little baby selves and feel how they molded into my arms and against my chest. I prepared their clothes to be passed on to great nieces, great nephews and sweet young friends.

I got dumped by the guy I was seeing. By text. Ouch, I thought he was different. Better luck next time and best wishes to him. I thought about how much this Coronavirus has me longing for what I’m missing.

And then…I got a sweet text from my daughter. I recalled that my precious son came to visit today. I revisited all of the love that IS in my life. I gave thanks for the wisdom my dear friends and family share with me so generously. I looked at my fur babies and I reminded myself that feeling lonely is not the same as being alone.

So when I lay my head on the pillow tonight, it shall be in gratitude that I am here and that you are here. That we had another day. I will talk with God and ask him for peace and understanding and for health and wellness for His people. I will ask Him to be with the families of those who are not here, whether due to stupid coronavirus or something else. Most of all, I will ask him to help me to continue to walk in love, even when and especially when it’s hard.

Sweet dreams my loves.

Soulful Saturday

Prepping to make Easter bread.

I haven’t made it the last two years…too many hurtful memories around the season.

This year, I’m making a choice to do different, even if it’s hard. It’s absolutely perfect outside and I’ve just made my billionth visit to my little planted garden today.

It’s as if I expect to see visible changes immediately. But just like my dear friend said, so much is going on below the surface, even when we can’t see it.

My “below the surface” has been working hard for so long and I feel like I’m starting to feel a smidgen of the new life that process brings. This means I’m still pruning what doesn’t belong to make room for new growth. (Aka letting go). That part kinda stinks. I’m physically energized and emotionally drained. Holding on for too long has taken ALL the effort.

Anyway…as I wandered around my yard, breathing in the fresh air, dancing around to Van Morrison, I thought to myself, “maybe some of my closest friends are right, maybe I shoulda been born in the flower child years.”

Ah well. Thankful for the hear and now, the new and the old.

I need to have lots of cookouts here this summer and fall…part of me believes/hopes/wonders if this is our last year in this home that has served us so well.

Tomorrow would be our Daddy’s 85th birthday. Of course, I would’ve made him his very own loaf of Easter bread. Maybe that’s why I keep coming outside, it’s so easy to feel connected with him here.

Anyway….breathing it all in.