coffee – SUNKISSED SOUL

Simply. Beautiful. Chaos.

March 16, 2022 Sunkissedsoul

In less than ½ a year from now, I will be 50 years old.

I am proud of who I am.

My heart is tender and compassionate. I am smart. I am witty. I am hard working, kind, loving and I have a lot to give. Also, I am stubborn to a fault. I can take a lackadaisical and scattered approach to life. I sometimes am far more considerate of others than of myself; and at the same time can be selfish and run by motivating factors that I wish didn’t motivate me.

I am reflective, I am unique. I struggle with small talk unless it is obligatory. I have been told that “I am too much”; and it wasn’t in the ‘good’ too much kind of way.

Tears come as easy as laughter. Food, whiskey, wine and coffee; being consumed by work and men temporarily fill a hole in my heart that longs for something deeper.

I relish digging in the dirt, breathing in nature, talking with God, reading the Bible and also reading Anais Nin, bubble baths, writing, being with those I love, and being alone with my neverending thoughts. Those things feed my soul.

I love hard. It is difficult for me to let go of things that once were or things that might’ve been. I prefer seeing the possibilities over the reality at times.

I am human. Messy. A student of this life.

I am beauty in the chaos; with an emphasis on the chaos.

I am simply Sarah.

I know who I am. I know my value. So why, why, why do I so quickly forget that when it comes to men? Why do I push things under the rug that I know are harmful to my heart; contort myself to make another person comfortable and chase the love someone does not have to give me? And, why for the love of all things good, do I equate healthy men with boring. Not cool Sarah. Not cool.

These are the thoughts I ponder tonight.

I was going to write this entire synopsis on my dating journey and sexual awakening; it turns out that’s not really the gist of what is on my heart. Kind of.

What the gist of it all is isn’t about what the men have or haven’t done in my life; it’s about searching for a deeper understanding of why I have allowed myself; perhaps even put myself in less than stellar situations. Why have I decided to continually settle, be in relationships where someone mistakes me for a momma or their personal therapist, or place more value on whether I meet their standards than raising my own?

I desire a reciprocal, romantic, respectful relationship where passion is very much alive. Is it the fear of growing old alone that pushes me into the zone of what isn’t best for me? Is it the comfort of having someone that drives me there? I don’t know.

I do know that exploring the places I am accountable is a good thing. I do know that although I don’t ‘need’ a man; I totally desire a companion and that’s okay. I just need to figure out why I am still so willing to compromise on my ‘non negotiables’ and then I resent the hell out of them bc of my choices. That makes no sense.

Wish me luck. It looks like I have some hard work to do and some healthy boundaries to establish; starting with me.

In gratitude

March 20, 2020March 20, 2020 Sunkissedsoul

Tonight I shall lay my head on my pillow and say my prayers.

I will express my gratitude because today, I lived. I might’ve lived messily. My feelings may have been all over the place and it was a little icky…but I lived.

Today, I told many people that I loved them (and meant it); and I was loved by many (albeit through texting, phone calls, face time and all that stuff).

Today was quieter with work; still, I worked from home with Seniors who are so scared. I drank lots of coffee and took in lots of emotions.

Tonight, I enjoyed a little red wine, ate chips and guacamole for dinner, continued to pack boxes and talked to dear friends. I laughed and I cried.

I went through ALL of J and S’s baby clothes and I reminisced. I am certain I can still smell their little baby selves and feel how they molded into my arms and against my chest. I prepared their clothes to be passed on to great nieces, great nephews and sweet young friends.

I got dumped by the guy I was seeing. By text. Ouch, I thought he was different. Better luck next time and best wishes to him. I thought about how much this Coronavirus has me longing for what I’m missing.

And then…I got a sweet text from my daughter. I recalled that my precious son came to visit today. I revisited all of the love that IS in my life. I gave thanks for the wisdom my dear friends and family share with me so generously. I looked at my fur babies and I reminded myself that feeling lonely is not the same as being alone.

So when I lay my head on the pillow tonight, it shall be in gratitude that I am here and that you are here. That we had another day. I will talk with God and ask him for peace and understanding and for health and wellness for His people. I will ask Him to be with the families of those who are not here, whether due to stupid coronavirus or something else. Most of all, I will ask him to help me to continue to walk in love, even when and especially when it’s hard.

Sweet dreams my loves.

Simple Gifts

August 4, 2019 Sunkissedsoul

One of those rare nights that gained a forever spot in my heart…Laying in the grass, staring at the stars and connecting; real conversation, singing those songs that bring back so much, laughing hysterically and a bit of yummy wine….exactly the medicine my heart needed.

Refreshment. Friendship. Nature. Awareness.

It really is the simple things. Commemorate the moment, right?☺️ Right.

#Itrustyou

#lol

#coffeekissesconnectionnotambiguous

#hereisthepyramid

#timeandprobability

#northstarwhereareyou

Hot Mess, no doubt

April 10, 2019 Sunkissedsoul

Ah! Today is messy, messy, messy. It is the last day at work for my co-worker, for whom I will be stepping into her position. She is also a dear friend and my heart is a little sad. She also knows everything about everything at work that I need to know and I only hope I can fill a little bit of her space! So…there’s that.

This morning, I was at the gym at 6:30. I didn’t want to be there. I had to argue with myself the entire time. Seriously. I had decided earlier this week that two days a week, I will be doing 1 hour of cardio vs. 30-40 minutes on the other days. That’s all fine and good but I’m telling you…if my thighs could scream you would’ve heard them all across the Tulsa/Jenks area. Ouch, ouch, and ouch. Whatever. I did it.

I ran into Walgreens to pick up cinnamon gum, and they did not have the kind I love that doesn’t seem to set my mouth on fire. I chose peppermint gum. And…I stopped at the register, stuck my card in to pay and pulled it out before it had a chance to do anything. Then, I picked up my gum and walked out the door. The cashier yelled, like frantically, at me to come back. Alarmed, I turned around and she told me I didn’t pay. Oops. Really. It was just an oops because I am in my very own world today! Sorry.

My hair is all over the place, thank God today is salon day. My face keeps breaking out due to a second puberty, I guess. My mind is here, there and everywhere.

Walking into work, I spilled half of my iced coffee all down my pretty red silkish material shirt. It’s actually an awesome look and I am certain I smell even more delicious than I already did!

Is it too late for a re-start? Hot mess, indeed.

Happy Wednesday all!

46 Reasons

September 10, 2018September 10, 2018 Sunkissedsoul

This last week has been fabulously filled with new life adventures, and I have enjoyed every single moment. Here are 46 reasons why:

Last Sunday, I went to church. I may have been feeling just a little bit lonely’ish. A dear friend was a few rows away with her beautiful children and a friend; instead of sitting by myself, I sat with my friend and her family. This just made the service/worship so much sweeter.
Later that day, I met a new friend for coffee. We had a deeply rich, spiritual conversation that seemed to be the beginning of chipping away at a few of my soul’s survival tactics that really do not serve me well anymore. I had found a little bag of my Grandma’s Catholic books and it was so incredible to be able to share them with a friend who appreciated them….not planned but incredible.
I feel like my spirit has been napping and I’m waking up to the vibrancy of my being. It’s just in the air or something…a new (or renewed?) energy
It was a week of fun selfies and spectacular quotes. One of my favorite is worth sharing here…”If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just, ‘Congratulations about your face.'” This is the best!!!
On that topic, I have noticed that we as a society can be very mocking and critical of selfie taking. I say just let people be. I can only speak for me, but taking selfies after the divorce was a huge stretch for me…it always felt like part of the picture was missing. Now, I take them not because I am vain…usually because I feel silly, or contemplative, or whatever I feel and this is a way to share it. So…this week I took a selfie nearly every day and shared it. Why? Because it was a lovely week and I chose to share my journey in this way…the end.
Tuesday, I got to work on homework….I did this all week. It was supposed to be stormy on all the days ending in Y, but that didn’t quite happen. When it got down to the wire though, it rained…this meant more focus on my paper. (Don’t ask, I’m just quirky like that!)
Also Tuesday, I made another lovely friend and had a wonderful evening. All I’m going to say is this…it’s socially awkward when one is on a date, and while on that date, runs into someone they’ve also been dating (not secretly) with their date. Think that over.
On Wednesday evening, (my actual birthday), I said bon voyage to 45 bonjour to 46! My precious momma and kids took me out to dinner. Not one of them complained that I chose sushi and we had a fabulous time together. I am extraordinarily blessed to have gotten that time with the woman who gave me life and the children that I gave life to.
Also on Wednesday, my Facebook wall, text messages and phone calls were inundated with loving birthday messages. Maybe I’m more like a child on birthdays, but I believe we ALL deserve special love on the day of our birth….find more reasons to celebrate…life is a celebration when you live in gratitude!
I went to the chapel at St. Bernard’s…where my Grandma went to church. I spent an hour praying, being still, looking around, thinking, and praying some more. I was relieved that the toenails on Mary’s feet were not painted and were very real looking. I left with something…I felt like God was letting me know that my openness was a gift, and at the same time asking where I needed closure. Suffice it to say, there is an entire post to be written about this experience.
The bestest part of my birthday was finding the video of my Momma and Daddy singing me the happy birthday song together. Daddy was starting to struggle with his memory then, and that memory popping up made my heart incredibly happy. I think I watched it 100 times throughout my day.
I got flowers on my birthday. Because my friend loves me and she knows that flowers fill me with joy. I didn’t expect flowers, but she remembered. It’s a gift to have a friend who remembers you like this.
Thursday was a busy day at work, and I was reminded through my clients how very fortunate I am to have a home, clothing, food, pets, mostly happy and healthy children, air conditioning, blankets, a toothbrush and not a consistent fear for my safety. Gratitude gratitude gratitude.
Very good company Thursday night and another birthday dinner. And…I saw the movie CLUE. No, of course I didn’t doze off during the movie!
Friday, I took 1/2 a day off work…thank God for a flexible job! I finished a paper I’d been putting off for way too long, it really wasn’t so bad once I sat still. Good thing since the paper was due in class that evening.
Friday was the one year anniversary of our divorce. I didn’t feel broken, ashamed, weary, hopeless and defeated. I actually felt just the opposite. I’m coming together, content, peaceful, hopeful and anticipatory. I’m human so sometimes I struggle, yet this is authentic healing.
Saturday was lovely. It began early as I awoke listening to my brother sing loudly and cheerfully from the other room. It was an awesome way to wake up and get ready for a day of class!
My dear brother and friend joined our class Saturday afternoon. So did one of my classmate/friend’s gorgeous wife. It was absolutely fun to have their interaction for our discussion and I believe every weekend class should entail some sort of bring a guest show and tell!
After class meant a drink or two with the above mentioned gentlemen and lively discussions! That was awesome and I think I have now tried every flavor of Moscow Mule at PJ’s except for the one with whiskey…because whiskey is ewww to me.
I had the opportunity to have a heartfelt conversation with my baby daddy. (The wonderful man who I was with for 23 years). I wanted to apologize to him for things I had done in our marriage that I just needed to take ownership for. It would’ve been easy to continue to let him own it all, but this honesty is part of my continued healing and hopefully his as well. I wish everyone had this chance. Say what you need to say. Forgiveness. Compassion. It all lets us move forward in grace. If it’s not possible to share with the person, write it out and burn it…do what you need to do to heal…it’s worth it.
Saturday night…topped with a warm bath, clean sheets, a great book and a glass of wine…had the best sleep I’ve had in a long time!
Sunday began with a yummy breakfast cooked for me by my brother…and coffee…of course, coffee. I sat on the porch and enjoyed this, read my Bible and enjoyed the magnificent morning.
So…I read all of Corinthians 1 again, beautiful. In my deep conversations with my new friend, I have felt a bit challenged. Not in a bad way…in an ‘iron sharpens iron’ kind of way. I know my faith is strong. I am sure of my salvation. I understand and have many biblical stories and scriptures stored in my heart. In my quest to grow closer to God, I think it worthwhile to examine my foundational beliefs so I can better explain to others where I come from. This is absolutely not the same as wanting to right fight and defend. I want to understand more deeply all of the Bible…in context, not just here and there, for myself more than for anything.
I had an especially sweet afternoon with a handsome, poetic hearted friend. Who wouldn’t enjoy that?
Tonight was coffee and a long overdue conversation with someone I love very much. It was time to hear each other’s hearts so we could just move forward. I thank God for these moments.
This birthday week has been overflowing with new adventures and healing of old wounds. In earlier blogs I’ve discussed my love of the words synchronicity and serendipity. I still love them. Even more, I love watching them in action.
It’s been a deeply contemplative, prayerful week filled with thought-provoking discussions and earnest seeking. These things are important to me, so I am thankful for each of these experiences.
My children have been extra peaceful. I don’t know why, I’m not going to try to explain. I am intensely thankful for these moments though.
Watching my daughter ice-skate and seeing her joy after she’s learned a new maneuver…priceless. It was her daddy’s turn to take her this week but he sent me a video. She wows me.
Seeing the twinkle in my son’s eyes this week, even for a fleeting moment, makes my Momma heart happy.
I have lost 20.3 pounds. My next size down clothes are beginning to fall off of me. I might not love that I had to change bra sizes but I do love my mostly steady energy and the way my body is changing.
I see that while I am opening myself to new experiences, I am beginning to find healthy vulnerability again in areas that I had chosen previously kept walled off. I’m relieved that this is happening.
I have set boundaries where before I would’ve not done so. Sometimes, it really is less about fulfilling others expectations and more about taking care of myself. This especially applies to my journey in dating. Stating my boundaries clearly and expecting that they be honored is just as new as dating. This is all fresh territory.
Staying in touch with new, new/old, old friends is a gift. Remember, “make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold?” Yes. Do that.
I look in the mirror and sometimes I look tired. I see more wrinkles than I used to. I see a belly that housed two healthy, glorious babies. Guess what else I see? I see a woman who is lovely and becoming more at peace with herself as time passes. I see the heart of a child and the strength of a woman. I see God’s princess. I see someone who is worthy of goodness.
I have laughed, cried and enjoyed myself this last week more than I have in so long. I’m not sure why. Whatever….I’m grateful.
I turned down a fabulous internship opportunity because I knew it would not be the best for my family. Doing the right thing isn’t always fun. There will be an even better opportunity, this I know.
I ate cheesecake on my birthday…tempura battered cheesecake with cream and strawberries. I haven’t had anything like this since April. Oh my goodness, life is short and enjoying dessert is a luxurious treat!
My puppies, my kitty and even that little lizard make me smile. God is so cool to even provide us with these little muffinheads….just makes me think how much He loves us to give us these kinds of enjoyments.
I got myself a couple of new books for my birthday. I don’t buy myself things often and most of my reading time is spent on school books…but I’m so excited to read something purely for pleasure.
My house is an absolute mess. Parts of it feel like they are literally crumbling under my feet. (Literally, it’s kind of happening like that). It’s gonna be okay. I don’t know how but I know it is. Trusting the process. Praying hard! Remembering, I have a home.
My coffee was paid for twice this week by random strangers. How’s that for a birthday treat?
Baby tomatoes are still growing on my vines. I was shaking one of the plants one morning…to shake the pollen down. Although I was gentle, a little baby fell off the vine and I felt so sad. So…I buried it. If I were that baby tomato I’d just use my seeds to make another vine and I’d grow taller and stronger than the original vine. However, I’m not the tomato, I guess we will see what happens next!
I’ve found lots of new music to enjoy on Spotify this week, I once forgot the love of music that I have. Like…how do people ever live without music? TV, I understand but music has to be.
Stella and I came up with a grand book idea…maybe we can make it happen. That’s pretty hopeful!
I learned that sometimes, you just gotta spill the tea, sis!

It’s just been the best birthday week ever and my cup overflows. The kindnesses bestowed on me are astonishing and I hope I give back well all that I receive.

Grace. Peace. Joy. Mercy. Compassion.

Continue reading “46 Reasons” →

Midnight Java….the Aftermath

September 22, 2017September 22, 2017 Sunkissedsoul

My dear friend Traci let me know this morning that she is not concerned about my becoming an alcoholic. She is, however, worried about my frequent late night coffee consumption. I’m wondering if her unease about my exuberant consumption is something I ought to investigate further.

Though I have always found the aroma of a fresh brew intoxicating, I was never a consumer of this ‘nectar of the gods’ until I was a Preschool Director and momma of two babies. My energy was low and the needs of those I cared for were high. Simultaneously, they put a Starbuck’s in less than a mile from my home. I took it as a sign, God was smiling down at me and it was a love at first sip!

Since then, I have kept my intake of this delicious cup of energy minimal to moderate. One cup on a good day, two cups on a rushed day and 3 -4 cups when I was trying to keep the poo from hitting the fan. I guess by now the poo has hit the fan and been splattered about, so it only makes sense that I have begun the sweet little ritual of late night coffee drinking. I do this only occasionally, I can stop anytime I want…really. I limit myself to this practice when the kids aren’t at home and I’m quite productive (sometimes) when I begin to drink coffee at midnight.

What’s the problem then? I might be a wee bit sensitive to the caffeine but it’s a nice, harmless little buzz. It helps me stay awake so I can create, clean, or stare of into space contemplating my world. There is nothing like coffee and candlelight! Countless benefits, right?

It’s been a rough week in this life. Last night was a cup at midnight…a cup at 1…and maybe a 1/2 cup at 1:30. (Sorry Traci, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you the whole truth). I fell into a not quite sound sleep at 3:30’ish and was awake, ordering groceries at 5:30’ish. I was on my way to work at 8’ish. I’m feeling the consequences of two hours of sleep in a serious way. No worries…nothing a little cinnamon dolce latte with extra espresso can’t fix! It’s a cycle for sure…I just haven’t decided if it’s vicious or victorious!

Last night’s bender wound up in a great phone conversation with a beloved friend, a couple of loads of completed laundry, clean dishes, a bit of reading and A LOT of staring at my candle flicker while I chatted with God and weighed on all that is heavy on my heart. I felt, and still feel, conflicted and afflicted. As I mentioned, it’s been a rough week in this life.

I am incredibly proud of my ex husband and I. We fought the good fight for our relationship and although the outcome wasn’t what either of us had hoped, we are still here. Now we fight the good fight as parents who love their children dearly. Still, the divorce is new and I find myself deep in thought as I adjust once again to a new normal.

I found myself in the middle of a devastating situation this week, I am thankful that I was present yet this is a situation that hurts every fiber of my being. The ex and I have had to walk through some really difficult stuff with our kids this week and who knows if we are doing it right? I am in a state of mind that leaves me aching to ‘fix’ and nothing is in my power to fix.

I think about the tragedies around us. In my opinion, teens and social media combined have the ability to create a horrific impact and I am seeing this directly in action. Our elders and our children are not cared for well in our society. There are endless gaps in this world and too many people are oblivious to the societal impact until they are personally affected. How do we radically meet those around us right where they are without pushing our own agenda onto them. What are the long term repercussions for those who are harmed and for those who cause harm?

These thoughts are the aftermath of my midnight java. Good thoughts….great thoughts…heavy heart and void of solutions for the most part. Still, I march forward ready to embrace life as it comes and holding onto a mustard seed of faith that there is hope for my future…for our future as a whole.

Most of us are familiar with the quote,

“You must be the change you want to see in the world.” -Mahatma Gandhi

I’m pretty sure the original quote was, “You must be the change you want to see in the world, and it all begins with a late night cup of coffee, a candle, and a little chat with God.”

The aftermath of late night java….it’s a beautiful thing.