Let’s sum up today…
1) My heart is in the weirdest place. Trying to find contentment and value in the now. Like all of the now…not just the parts I enjoy.
2) I thought all week that I had school this weekend and assignments due but I have another entire week before that happens so…whew.
3) I’m baking a bakery full of cookies tonight if that tells you anything.
4) I shared the stories of what I remember of 9/11 with my kiddos. I told them that when it happened, John was a newborn, his dad was out of town working, and I called Nana and couldn’t stop crying b/c I wondered what kind of world I had brought a child into. Today, I pray that these two kiddos make an impact on their world and I am so thankful for them. Everyday, especially on days like today when we are reminded of the preciousness of life.
5) I turned in my graduation application today. What? What? Sooooo in awe!
6) Seasons are changing. Big time.
7) It is supposed to rain this weekend. This means I can write and write and write to my heart’s content…because, you know…rain.
8) Trying to understand why I’m not always in charge of the letting go/letting in process. As a matter of fact…why am I not always in charge?
9) Brains are a funny, magical thing. Actually, brains are funny and intriguing…kisses are magical.
10) My emotions are many tonight, my heart is full, and I’m simply grateful that I can and will process through all of it.
Go to bed sis.
This isn’t my normal writing…it’s just my heart poured out along with the ramblings of my mind. It’s a heavy kind of night…one of those nights that one thing that is bothersome leads to another thing and before long, my insides are all helter skelter willy nilly.
There is an underlying edge of melancholy trying to set in as I attempt to avoid ruminating over ickies. At times, I feel sad about the countless changes in my little family and I miss my Daddy so much it hurts. Christmas and Thanksgiving are looking super different this year and if I’m honest, I’d have to say I’m struggling a bit more than slightly.
As I write tonight, these tears just keep pouring out of me. I tell myself that it’s okay that things have changed. It is okay, I know this is true. It doesn’t change that it hurts. I think of my dear friends who lost their momma this year. I think of my sisters who lost their momma a few years ago. Loss, loss, loss. Everywhere there is loss. That is the story my mind is telling me right now. Ugh.
I hate that I was unable to give my children the traditional family that I longed to give them since before they were ever brought into existence. I don’t care to share them over the holidays. I will, because they are deeply loved by both their Father and I and they deserve our genuinely compassionate, loving, tender cooperation. There are a few moments though, that I am pouting about it all. There are also moments that I am overcome with gratitude because I know that the divorce set me free from some things I needed to be set free from. This gratitude for myself is always connected with guilt that my babies didn’t get what I wanted them to have. I wanted. I wanted. Trying to appreciate once more that God has a panoramic view and I only have a snapshot.
As the 9th anniversary of the big ole’ stroke nears, I am reminded of a wee bit of loss and far more of extraordinary gain. That stroke was the turning point for God and I. (probably more of my turning point, He was there all along). This thought reminds me of how thankful I am for the very breath He gives me. I made a short, silly video recently talking about how very grateful I am for the undeserved miracles I have had in my life. It is good for my soul to think on those things. In my changed relationship with God, I realized that I can share anything with God…whether I’m angry, sad, jealous, resentful or joyful, grateful, blessed, kind, etc. Whatever I am feeling I can tell him. So tonight, I am thanking Him for life and also telling him that my heart is aching.
I have visited with three dear friends this week….all men who have been considering suicide. I pray that they know they are loved and cared for. I pray they choose life because even in the midst of this loss, chaos and pain; life is beautiful and life is worth living well.
In the scheme of it all, we are each so very small. I adore sunsets, sunrises, and the sky in general. I could lie for hours and stare at the stars. It all just reminds me, in a comforting way, we are miracles in the midst of it all. Life is beautiful. Isn’t it ironic? Sometimes the most beauty arises from incredibly significant pain. No matter what…seek the beauty and live life well.
God Bless and Sweet Dreams.