If I were to die today…

If I were to die today, I have walked among beauty. I have lived.

I woke up in a warm cozy bed surrounded by three fur babies that believe I am the best thing to have ever walked this earth.

I heard my tummy growl. I could taste and smell the warmth of the unmade coffee as I brought my cup to my lips.

My first thoughts were about my precious children and how deeply grateful I am for them in every way as we journey together through life.

The first human voice I heard was my precious momma telling me she was going to church. I know full well that getting to talk to her each day is a gift I treasure.

I walked outside to feel the glorious sun on my skin, the cool breeze surrounding me, the wet grass beneath my bare feet.

I looked into the bright side, surrounded by a clear,effervescent sky.

I shouted thank you God for breath and this beauty. I believe He heard my gratitude.

I picked the first two strawberries and saw the abundant growth in all the other plants.

I heard the plane flying overhead while the birds sing their songs…Seemingly oblivious to the plane.

As I walked back toward the house, I watched a big bunny rabbit hop across the entirety of the yard and a squirrel walk the fence.

Somehow my dogs did not notice and interrupt their mission.

I breathed it all in. Soak in the moment.

I wish that somebody could see and feel the picture inside my mind right now so vividly.

Because then…If either of us died in this moment, we would both know we had truly lived.

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Random blitherings

This isn’t my normal writing…it’s just my heart poured out along with the ramblings of my mind.  It’s a heavy kind of night…one of those nights that one thing that is bothersome leads to another thing and before long, my insides are all helter skelter willy nilly.

There is an underlying edge of melancholy trying to set in as I attempt to avoid ruminating over ickies.  At times,  I feel sad about the countless changes in my little family and I miss my Daddy so much it hurts.  Christmas and Thanksgiving are looking super different this year and if I’m honest, I’d have to say I’m struggling a bit more than slightly.

As I write tonight, these tears just keep pouring out of me.  I tell myself that it’s okay that things have changed.  It is okay, I know this is true.  It doesn’t change that it hurts.  I think of my dear friends who lost their momma this year.  I think of my sisters who lost their momma a few years ago.  Loss, loss, loss.  Everywhere there is loss.  That is the story my mind is telling me right now.  Ugh.

I hate that I was unable to give my children the traditional family that I longed to give them since before they were ever brought into existence.  I don’t care to share them over the holidays.  I will, because they are deeply loved by both their Father and I and they deserve our genuinely compassionate, loving, tender cooperation.  There are a few moments though, that I am pouting about it all.  There are also moments that I am overcome with gratitude because I know that the divorce set me free from some things I needed to be set free from.  This gratitude for myself is always connected with guilt that my babies didn’t get what I wanted them to have.  I wanted.  I wanted.  Trying to appreciate once more that God has a panoramic view and I only have a snapshot.

As the 9th anniversary of the big ole’ stroke nears, I am reminded of a wee bit of loss and far more of extraordinary gain.  That stroke was the turning point for God and I.  (probably more of my turning point, He was there all along).  This thought reminds me of how thankful I am for the very breath He gives me.  I made a short, silly video recently talking about how very grateful I am for the undeserved miracles I have had in my life.  It is good for my soul to think on those things.  In my changed relationship with God, I realized that I can share anything with God…whether I’m angry, sad, jealous, resentful or joyful, grateful, blessed, kind, etc.  Whatever I am feeling I can tell him.  So tonight, I am thanking Him for life and also telling him that my heart is aching.

I have visited with three dear friends this week….all men who have been considering suicide.  I pray that they know they are loved and cared for.  I pray they choose life because even in the midst of this loss, chaos and pain; life is beautiful and life is worth living well.

In the scheme of it all, we are each so very small.  I adore sunsets, sunrises, and the sky in general.  I could lie for hours and stare at the stars.  It all just reminds me, in a comforting way, we are miracles in the midst of it all.  Life is beautiful.  Isn’t it ironic?  Sometimes the most beauty arises from incredibly significant pain.  No matter what…seek the beauty and live life well.

God Bless and Sweet Dreams.