Even Princesses Fall

As I was dressing for work this morning, I took a moment to marvel at the cute black strappy sandals adorning my feet.  They have a slightly Bohemian look with a bit of gold in all the right places and they coordinate beautifully with my red, perfectly polished toenails.  I am especially proud of them because I paid for and purchased them at Target early this summer.  They have a “feisty, fun, more expensive than they are” look….and since I’ve been on a bit of a purchasing freeze, these shoes were a delightful treat.

I made it to work in one piece and was having a fairly uneventful, happy day.  Lunch was leftover spaghetti and green beans from last night (why is spaghetti so much yummier the day after it is cooked?)  I remembered that I told a co-worker I would deliver an envelope to the courthouse for her this afternoon.  Glad for the opportunity to get fresh air, I grabbed the envelope and headed out of my windowless office, (which used to be a holding cell in the old jail) and into the beautiful sunshine.

It’s warm and humid, like it usually is before an Oklahoma storm.  The sun’s warm rays felt like a soft blanket on my skin.  Downtown near the courthouse is quite the place to be for anyone who enjoys people watching…thus, I could occupy myself there for quite some time.  While I was observing everyone around me, I noticed a family of four whom I assumed to be homeless,  in front of me.  Mom, Dad and two young children…they intrigued me and I wanted their picture.  Instead of taking a picture, I cursed my phone for being dead and totally missed turning on the block where the courthouse is.

This missed turn meant that I had to walk all the way around the block again to reach my destination.  I was thinking that although my sandals might be adorable, walking comfort they were not.  I reasoned with myself, “If you are going to traipse all over town in this job, you will need different shoes.”  Guess what happened then?

Coinciding perfectly with my self chiding, the front of my sandal caught in the sidewalk grate and I WENT FLYING FORWARD.  I hate to fall.  I hate it, hate it, hate it.  It sounds silly, yet I believe it’s  likely a PTSD response from sudden falling in past passing out episodes.  What is the natural response of falling?  At least for me, it doesn’t matter initially how bad it hurt, innate pride takes over.  I jumped up, worked hard to straighten my boo boo’ed knees and walked on as I held my startled tears back.

I recomposed myself before walking around the corner to the big courthouse doors.  I put my purse and envelope on the security conveyor belt before I greeted the guards.  One of them looked at me and asked if I was alright.  I affirmed that I was with a nod, and put on innocent airs of not knowing why she was asking.  She nodded down at my foot…which was gushing blood, mixing nicely with the blood running down my leg from my scraped knee.  LOL!  “I’m FINE, I fell but it doesn’t even hurt.”  She gave me a blank stare while I looked down at my blood and asked where the restroom was so I could clean up.

I am truly okay.  My foot hurts a little, my knees are tender, my pretty sandals are scuffed, my perfectly polished toes are now imperfectly polished, my  pride is punctured and I am okay.  However, I wasn’t FINE when I said I was.

My mind went instantly to a Ted Talk that a dear friend sent me this morning.  The speaker’s point was that we stay stuck in life because of the four letter word, F$%@!  (Not the obscene English language word I had first thought)  I wonder…how would our lives be different if we were all honest and vulnerable with each other instead of often presenting the world with “FINE”?  This is definitely a thought worth pondering.

Knights in shining armor fall.  Goddesses fall.  President’s fall, children fall, parents fall, Princesses fall too.  WE ALL FALL.  Trust this truth.  Why the fear of falling?

Now…I’d love to present my readers with a picture of my injuries…but my phone is dead.

Princess of all Princesses

Unfiltered, as usual…
This morning, I was at Robertson tires getting my oil changed and my tires rotated. Rich and Renee got me started on this track, so I give them many thanks for the gentle prompts and love.

While I was sitting, waiting, and getting impatient (I arrived at 7:30 so I wouldn’t have to wait before work, but apparently others had the same idea), so I waited.  

This man starts talking to me and at first, honestly, I wanted him to hush because I was in my own world of deep thought. As he continued talking, I became fascinated. 

He was obviously intelligent and is a messianic Jew (I understand today from my Jewish friends that this is quite controversial), but that’s not the point. The point is he was fascinating, wise and is an expert who speaks on the Holocaust. Mad respect for his passion.
Further discussion and I tell him that I have a friend or two, who I love dearly, who claim that I love an incredibly hateful God and we had great talk about that. Next, he asked my last name and I told him, “Tronnier” but really “Puroff” was my maiden name but I’m getting divorced…but I’ll still probably keep “Tronnier” for the kids….and I babbled on like I do when I’m processing out loud without consideration to the actual point. (I do always have a point though, even if others don’t get it!)

My car is finally ready and so I say goodbye to my new friend, Michael, the Messianic Jew, whom I am thinking I will never forget. As I was checking out, he comes and asks if he could just speak to me for a moment and I said ‘sure’.

In a gentle, yet firm tone, he said, “Sarah…your name means not just ‘princess’ but princess of all princesses’, investigate that. Then he spoke these words…”God does not create junk. He creates beautiful, worthy things. You are not junk. I am so sorry for your loss, because people forget divorce is a loss, but YOU ARE NOT JUNK.” Lastly, he said, “Remember the scripture, ‘He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion’, and Sarah, you have much to do.” “When one door closes, many windows open.”, He said.

People! My heart has been forever touched by this once stranger. What a beautiful reminder to share what’s on my heart with anyone I feel led to do so for.

Finally, and then I will finish for now….I am just going to reiterate how very proud this non junk, princess of all princesses is. I am turning in my final divorce papers today. I purchased a tag for my car 30 days before it was due. (If you don’t understand why this is so awesome, please let me share with my head down…I have gotten excessive fines three years in a row for not paying in time). I had the oil in my car changed and my tires rotated help (ok, a gentle prompt). I have paid my bills out of my paycheck immediately and I am not caught up, I’m working on it though. I’m making time for fun!

Living life without my head up my ass is a wonderful thing. (excuse the ineloquence, I was going for accuracy.

I looked in the mirror today and I saw a beautiful woman looking back at me. What?

I am Nearly 45 and Exactly Where I am Supposed to Be…

Almost 45, and a little over one year ago, I was handed a “gift” that I tried with everything in me to return.  My husband of 18 years asked for a divorce…again…and this time, I conceded.  We had taken turns putting divorce on the table yet one of us always stayed grounded and talked the other down.  This time was different, I knew that my only choice was to let go.  Heartbreak had become a too comfortable friend and we were both weary.  I knew that he was trusting me enough to ask for what he truly felt he needed, I finally recognized that I loved him enough to graciously (a process indeed) give him what he was asking for.

In June, my sweet husband moved out of our family home and into his own apartment.  July brought the death of my precious Daddy, who had fought a brave battle with Alzheimer’s for 12 years.  August was full of transitions for the kids, one beginning a new journey with homeschooling and the other entering high school.  September was the beginning of returning to full time work for me.  In October, my precious Momma sold the home we all grew up in with she and Daddy and moved to a new home of her own. Alas, November and December brought bittersweet holiday celebrations, as we all adjusted to the consequential firsts that come with change.

Whew!  I have to catch my breath just remembering. This is life though, right?  It’s full of change.  Joy in the suffering, lightness  in the dark, triumph in the tragedy, beauty out of ashes and growth out of doing hard.  We have to search for the gifts…seek out the God in all of it.  Man, that is tough.

Only now am I beginning to get my feet back on the ground (that’s giving myself a ton of grace) and barely able to reach out my arms, hands open, ready to receive.  Only now am I embracing trace amounts of gratitude for my journey.  Only now….and this is okay, for only now is all we ever have.

Countless gifts in the mix, and the one gift that keeps re-emerging as a theme in my life is the opportunity to believe that I AM ENOUGH.  Despite a delay in my cooperation, I am now absorbing the truth that until I believe this and until I truly love myself, I don’t have all of me to offer anyone else. I wonder if I ever have truly and fully loved me for me, just as I am?  Even if I never opt to offer myself to another in a romantic relationship, isn’t it just as significant to offer myself the fullness of this kind of love?  I think, yes.

I am exceptionally gifted at meeting others where they are and loving them well. On the other hand, I am extremely inadept at doing so for myself.  I have an ongoing list of things I want in a future partner/relationship.  Ironically, all of the things I am seeking in someone else are things I really am seeking for myself within my own heart.

It is my soul’s desire to reconnect with God in a way that my human self has forgotten to do.  I know that He loves me and sees me in a light that I cannot easily fathom; I yearn to have  a glimpse of that view.

Here I am…nearly 45…with amazing opportunities before me.  This year is stunningly different than last year and next year will be incomparable.  I don’t know what all of this means, I just know this life is a one time gift and I intend to live it well.

 

“When you start to feel like things should have been better this year, remember the mountains and valleys that got you here, they are not accidents and those moment’s weren’t in vain.

You are not the same you, you have grown and you are growing, you are breathing, you are living.

You are wrapped in

Endless

Boundless

Grace

and things will get better, there is more to you than yesterday.  

-Morgan Harper