Expansion

In the car, I share with my 16 year old daughter a new idea I have. “Let’s make a vision board together.” She responds with an alarmingly monotone, “why”? “Well because”, I explain; “we can get out our goals and see what we are working toward.” “Like what”, she inquires. “You know, like I want to write a book someday.”, I say.

She proceeds to tell me she knows her goals and doesn’t really need to do this and I should just write the book. I tell her that I don’t even know how to start. Her response? A deadpan (just like her dad) response…”Just sit down at the computer and start writing.” Essentially, just do it.

What? I am really busy studying; introspecting; living life; being mom; working; yoga-ing; justifying; giving ALL of the reasons why I can’t. Why I won’t. Why I haven’t. I can start but then what. What if I can’t find my direction? What if it turns out to be a pile of nonsense that no one cares to read?

I have spent the last two weeks dwelling on what is not. Pondering my failures and fears, really soaking in the muck. One of the biggest things that I have physically felt is the literal hard to swallow feeling when I am holding back what is inside of me. Too much holding back for the appeasement and approval of others. Yuck. I don’t want to feel this all the days of my life.

I’d rather let it out. Speak my story. Maybe it’s just part of my healing process, perhaps the writing is only for me. I don’t know. I’ll never know if I keep holding myself back in countless ways.

Freedom. It’s what I’ve wanted for an eternity. Expansion over waste. Filling up my space with no apologies and genuine confidence. I want this. I think.

Do I really have to do more than talk? (Oh sweet Alice, you do. You certainly do.)

Just thinking

One of my dearest friends and I had a very heartfelt conversation this week. She had been triggered by a phone call from someone who brought back many old, traumatic memories. In our sharing, she verbalized that the perpetuator of her trauma actually brought so much healing to her life through the pain he caused.


It’s been on my heart since our conversation….there is an immense amount of personal healing that has come to me only through pain that came into my life and was often perpetuated by someone I deeply loved.


I’m not blowing sunshine up anyone’s butt here; I just want to encourage you. Sometimes the darkest times in life force us into looking at things we didn’t even realize were still hurting us. That doesn’t mean to deny the pain you might be feeling,


It’s just that rainbows really do come after rain; there is treasure among the trash; beauty does come out of ashes; there can be joy in the tragedy; peace can exist amidst the chaos; value can be found in nearly everything. None of that diminishes that sometimes this beautifully hard life just is unfair and sucky.


A quote my dear friend and I cherish…”THE WOUND IS THE PLACE WHERE THE LIGHT ENTERS YOU.”-Rumi


Hold on to hope. Reach out for help. No one needs to travel this journey alone.


XOXO and so much love.

Current status…Me

Deep thought for the day… Just a few years back, I longed to be more of a bitch. A woman that people, especially men could possibly be intimidated by at times. I thought that ideal might be more sexy and confident than what I felt inside of me.

As I grow into myself and become more and more comfortable with who God created me to be, I realize that’s simply not who I am. When I am behaving in that manner, (bitchy), it comes from a place of fear and never for the right reasons.
What works for me? Being myself. You might like me and you might not; either way is perfectly OK.

These days, I am honored when somebody calls me “sweet Sarah“ or anything of the like. That’s my true nature and I’m glad for it. Sometimes I get a, “Sexy Sarah” as well and that’s very definitely a part of me too. We all know that I get a smart or a sassy or a silly much of the time. Little bits of me.

I realize that I’m a little more complicated then Ive given myself credit for and that’s not a bad thing. I think we all are because we are all these pieces of a mosaic trying to fit ourselves together. That’s beautiful.❤️

The coolest part is that’s sweet doesn’t mean stupid, sexy doesn’t mean easy and being a feeling person doesn’t mean I’m weak.

I am only being who I am created to be, and that my friends, is a powerful thing.

Happy Sunday.❤️🙏

She didn’t do it!

I always love to share a good giggle…so, here you go!

I took a quick break to walk Maple. I live in a lovely condo and many of my neighbors in our community are older. There are as many dogs as people, and it’s always impressed upon residents to please pick up your dogs poo. As a side benefit, I have become and expert and conscientious poo picker upper.

So…here we are walking in the cold, rainy weather just minding my business while letting Maple take care of her business. Maple has a habit of squatting and acting like she is going to poo but she will change her mind and move on before ‘producing’ anything.

I hear someone yelling, “hey” and I turned around to see a petite, round older lady walking her dog. She said, “Don’t you need to pick up your dogs poop?” I explain that Maple didn’t poop, I laughed and said she was just practicing. Miss Thang didn’t laugh.

She proceeded toward me, “do you even have bags, we are supposed to watch out for each other and the poop.” (okay?) I produce my bags out of my coat pocket and hold them up as proof.

Then…she took her phone and took my picture. That’s when I was really taken aback. Instead of being rude, I laughed and told her that I was glad I wore make up and did my hair today. I was trying so hard to be friendly.

Back in the house, I had to make a call to the office manager and relay the whole story. I was so afraid she was going to take my picture in and say I didn’t pick up Maple’s non existing poo. There is a big fine around here for violating that rule…and I get it!

My office manager had a great giggle and asked me to describe my new friend. I guess I’m not the first person this happened to, lol!

People are funny.🧐

Saturday Speculations

Saturday Speculations…

1) I will keep your secrets well but I will not be your secret. Big difference.

2) I wondered if I could turn my king-size bed around by myself. Turns out that I can’t.

3) Why can’t I just hop in my car and go give hugs to everybody? Oh yes… Covid.

4) Just like I began this exercise program today, I am also beginning intense study for that big test I have to take in March. I don’t wanna. On either one. But I’m gonna. Covid has given me an opportunity to focus on what I need to focus on at home, I guess that’s some light in the dark.

5) I have come to the conclusion that I definitely want a romantic, reciprocal, respectful relationship. Nothing less is going to work. If that means I’m going to say single, then I’m going to stay single. My life is full, I am loved and I love and I have many passions. Still… I would love that relationship in it’s time. i’m not going to carry guilt for wanting that in my life.

6) Oh how I worry about my beautiful children. They amaze me with their insight, compassion, and wisdom. That said… This world is hard and I will always wonder if we have prepared them well.

7) I miss my nieces and my nephews and my great nieces and my great nephews and my mama and my sisters and my brother and my friends. So so much.

😎 Have you ever thought how very cool it was to hear birds chirping and singing melodies to us all day long? I wonder if my “song” makes a difference.

9) I’m very curious that when I try to type the number that comes in between the seven and the nine, I get 😎 instead? I can say 8 but if I try to do it with a )…then 😎 pops up. 😂

10) I’m going to do a lot of stuff today. Tomorrow I’m going to see my mom from a social distance with a mask! This will be a great day and I have much to look forward to! (Positive self talk is our friend!😂😂😂)

11) I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSES HAPPINESS. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSES CHOICES. SAY IT AGAIN SARAH! Somehow it is far easier to say that to someone else then apply it to myself.

12) my work out today was hard, that’s OK, I can do hard things. I’m amazed at how quickly I can and condition myself and recondition myself to exercise and I have to keep that in mind. Mind games for sure.

13) I love being a woman and also, I need new lipstick!

14) This week was a tough one. Must mean growth… I hope. I sure wish that doing the right thing meant the easy thing.

15). So grateful for my fur babies . How does anybody make it through life not loving them?

Happy Saturday loves!

Ps. I like taking selfie’s. It’s fun to look back, see them, and remember where I was in life. I’ve grown exponentially and I’m proud of me.

Now…have an awesome day!

Covid 19 Vaccine Dose 1

Hi everyone…
Super vulnerable post here…please scroll on if you aren’t in the mood for my honesty. I’ll still love you.
I hesitated to post the picture of me after I got the first covid vaccine this evening. Why do you ask? Because I was very afraid of judgement or people wondering why I got it now. I am not in health care. I am young(ish), healthy, energetic and not on the phase one list from what people who don’t know me can tell.
If you have been a close part of my life; you know that one of my biggest challenges is admitting that my health history differs from anyone else. I KNOW my life is a miracle, I believe all of our lives are miracles…I’ve just gotten many little miracles that are in my face along the journey. I’m a little prideful (and a lot grateful). Sometimes that pride wins. Never will I willingly place myself in a position to be seen as weak or less than. If that means faking my way through something that scares the shit out of me, I can go there quicker than you can blink your eyes. But on the inside, I am so afraid. That stance is exhausting.
I lived 47 years ago through a major surgery for a congenital heart defect. The odds were 50/50. I am here. I have people I love with all of my heart who lost their babies who had the same defect or even a lesser defect in recent years. Why? I have no answers. Guilt and shame…I do carry those well.
That big ole stroke in 2009 that I fought forever to get through my head that it wasn’t my fault. It really wasn’t my fault. There was a hole in my heart and it let a clot through and the result was that I got to learn to walk again. The biggest gift is the takeaway lessons I got. Life isn’t about staying busy and important; love wins and I can do things I never imagined I would ever have to do. So much more…not in the place to discuss all of that here. I remember the doctor well who indicated I was lucky to have ‘made it’. More guilt. More shame. How many people don’t make it?
I went to the dr yesterday for a little procedure. I had just experienced two of the most painful injections…one in each plush butt cheek. I was feeling weepy and helpless. If you have been subject to lots of ‘being the patient’, you understand the vulnerability of that moment. She chose that time…when I was laying on the table with no way to escape (super smart lady)…to discuss with me the reasons I was ‘high risk’ even though I was a ‘poster child’ for tetrology of fallot and she wanted me to be on the list for the high risk vaccinations. So, to the list I went.
I do not identify myself as a person with a significant health history; I fought long and hard not to do that. I do not want to be known as high risk anything.. I identify as me…a brave, joyful, loved by God, whimsical woman who is whole, surrendered and basking in the warmth of God’s sunshine. That is me. But sometimes I forget and it becomes more important to me to make sure that ‘you’ don’t think me less and I try too hard to explain.

In gracious answer to anyone who rightly wonders how and why I got that vaccination early….there you go. I’m sorry. I know there are a billion of me walking around and I want everyone to get a vaccine sooner than later.
Also, I take no moment for granted; good or bad. Treasure your moments. For real. Before covid, after covid…everything in between…this is your one beautiful life.
I am going to have one little bitty more glass of wine, go to bed and give thanks and prayers for it ALL.
Sweet dreams.

Recognition

Sometimes my heart hurts and then I feel ashamed because I know it hurts as a result of my own choices.

So then there is this shame cycle and it sucks. That’s probably why am feeling so strong about not shaming each other today, I’m just realizing how much it can run my own thoughts and behaviors when I’m not paying attention.

And sometimes, when I am feeling very ashamed and not acknowledging or aware of it, I push my shame off onto somebody else. That’s not awesome.

The cool thing…the moment I recognize this and want change more than comfort, my path to freedom begins.

UP

UP. My word for the year.

UP. Inspired by my beautiful, insightful and wise beloved almost 16 year old daughter.

UP. “At a higher level of intensity, volume, or activity.” Encompassing intent, confidence and consistency.

UP. “Directed or moving toward a higher place or position.” Focused on what matters, keeping it in motion, relishing the journey always.

UP. “Do something boldly” ‘Bold’…showing an ability to take risks; confident and courageous…because sometimes you have to be brave with your life so others can be brave with theirs. Living out loud. Loving well. Showing not just telling my children what this means.

UP: “at an end” So many things these last years have come to an end. It’s okay. Sometimes it is only by accepting the end of something that we can cherish the process of gaining something new.

I used to have vivid dreams and memories of being able to fly as a child. Not high, but just a little bit off the ground. In these recollections, I would be running so fast across the yard that I would just be a few feet of the ground. The freeing sensation of being in flight embraces me when I go here in my mind.

Now, I get a deep longing when I remember that feeling. I was a child. A child that hadn’t been molded into a fashion that better suited another. I was FREE.

I get glimpses of that free little girl; more and more lately. Looking deep into my reflection, intentionally loosening these self inflicted invisible restraints…there she is. Not so far away after all. I see you baby girl.

“If you want to fly, give up everything that weighs you down.” – Buddha

UP.

Have a blessed 2021.

xo.

Beckoning Peace

It’s weird…I feel like my spirit has sought deep peace for so long. I’m learning that I often prevent myself from that deep peace with my own patterns and behaviors. I actively push the peace I feel away by creating inner chaos. That’s kinda icky to consider.

Trying to just breathe. Holding on to hope for myself and for whomever else I have in my heart (a whole lot of people).

For the first time ever, I left an automated voicemail and email response for my clients at work. They survived before me and they will survive without me until Monday. God has had them the whole time and still does. I was just telling someone, boundaries are easy for me to set and super challenging for me to follow. This is a good practice that I need to get comfortable with.

I usually like to go visit my Vintage Housing sights on Christmas afternoon…that’s not an option this year. That said, I will be calling a few of them over the weekend to check in bc I truly adore them and holidays can be so hard! Reach out to someone if you can, you matter more than you know.

Stella commented that I am working all of the time. It’s because there are SO MANY people in need. However, wisdom says that I must take care of me to take care of others. This weekend belong to my family, my friends, to me and to Jesus. That’s it.

I’ve been pondering so much since dear friend wrote about the winter solstice. Time to set my intentions and consider my word for 2021. Time to pray for so many and for myself too. Time for quiet and peace in my heart.

If you are hurting or lonely please reach out to someone.

If you just want to treat yourself to something, no matter how you feel; have some eggnog or hot chocolate with brandy. You are welcome. Or just have the eggnog or hot chocolate (with gooey marshmallows). You are still welcome.

Happiest Christmas to all. Happy Weekend after Winter Solstice (if that wasn’t a thing, I just made it one).

God bless and much love.

Seasonal stress disorder

Dear sis,

I saw you tonight after you paid your bills. I heard you berating yourself for not being more organized and for being lackadaisical.

Remember sis, stressing over Christmas pj’s and special chocolates is NOT what it’s all about.

Look up. Look in. Look out. Remember to whom you belong.

For unto us a child is born. You are so blessed. Now, take a breath and soak in the sacredness of the season.

❤️🙏🌲☺️❤️