What’s done is done, what’s gone is gone….right?

“What’s done is done, what’s gone is gone. One of life’s lessons is always moving on.”

I saw this posted here or somewhere and it pinged my heart deeply. As a result of my divorce; countless beautiful things have happened. I healed things in myself that I didn’t know needed healed. Subsequently, healing things between my children and I is ongoing. I went back to and finished grad school. I moved from the only home I have known for my lifetime.

All of this is beautiful yet I have realized recently the heaviness of things I am holding tightly onto. My ex spouse did not choose me. He did not choose our family over his desires. Four years later; we have a wonderful friendship and co-parent well; still; I have felt so betrayed and abandoned. I am sad and feel that we (not just he) forever changed the trajectory of our children’s lives.

I believe I am right where I am supposed to be. I am not as sure when it comes to my kids. I do know we are still a family and love our children and each other dearly; our family just looks different. It is difficult for me to consolidate the pain and sadness with the healing. It seems strange that the feeling angry and the grief are hitting me now more than before. It’s hard for me to know that even though I choose forgiveness multiple times a day (on most days); I still haven’t forgotten the hurt.

Perhaps it’s because I truly want to move forward. I want to love and be loved by a partner. I find myself consistently choosing relationships with really good men yet they just aren’t quite all the way available in some aspect. Then I wonder if I am doing that on purpose to avoid more hurt and so I can say it’s them, not me. Maybe it’s me who won’t make myself all the way available.

It’s all so much to unwind sometimes.

I know it’s done and gone; it’s still hard not to bring into my now. I know I have to trust the process. Sometimes I just wish the process would hurry the hell up.

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