In an ideal world, we would all seek healing within rather than distract ourselves with outside adventures.
This is not in reference to my past marriage, there is healing there. Nor is this a judgement or criticism to any party (current or past) to an affair.
It’s simply a topic I am passionate about and one I have lived.
If one knew the lifelong hurt that was being caused by being involved in an affair in any way, maybe they’d seek healing instead. Someone will be hurt, most often innocent kids. There’s no way around the consequences.
God, the universe, however you want to say it, will never send you someone’s spouse as your newest flame. Maybe life is testing your resolve and giving you an opportunity to seek healing. Who knows?
Learn how affairs work, do your research. I bet you’ll find that your situation is described well in research.
If you are the third party, you know that the unsuspecting spouse is a horrific asshole for some reason or other. It is likely that this connection between the two of you feels lighter, more playful, and exciting than any other. That’s the result of living in a fantasy world when planning your next secret getaway is your biggest hardship. There are no bills, no difficult children, no no marital woes or other stressors to deal with. Its pure playtime. It is a lie. You are a lie. The manipulation, control and toxicity will grow and you will find yourself a puppet on a string. Read the statistics. That day will most likely never come that they leave their partner for you, and if it does…how deep will the trust between you be? You are different…until something better comes along. Truth…they are using you. You are a pleasant distraction.
If you are the cheating partner, you are so focused on this easy fantasy connection that to distracts deeply from the pain/hurt/boredom/etc in your real relationship. Rather than do the hard work of counseling or the really hard work of leaving, or the devastating work of taking accountability…you live perpetuating lies. Lie to your spouse, your kids and definitely to your lover; who probably believes you’ve never loved anyone like you’ve loved them. You have them convinced that your spouse is terrible and you are fully theirs as soon as you leave. Open your eyes, look deep inside. Lies are your life and eventually, you’ll trip up and get caught. You will be so exhausted on that day that truth will be a painful relief. Nothing will prepare you for the look on your partner and children’s face when they learn the truth.
If you are the unsuspecting partner, your world is getting ready to be turned inside out upside down. And if you are children involved on either side, I’m so sorry for the pain your heart will feel when you find out that one of your parents has willingly caused this pain. Even if it feels like that parent “cheated” on you too, remember they aren’t perfect and they love you, even if it feels different. You are and we’re worth better decisions being made on your behalf. I’m sorry that those who were to advocate for and protect you, hurt you instead.
Each party is worth more than being a secret and a statistic. Each child is worthy of a parents integrity, honesty and protection.
Just think. Who are you? There is no shame in seeking help or getting out but I beg you, don’t participate in the infidelity game.