Certain uncertainty

“Sometimes I am the mess.  Sometimes I’m the broom.  On the hardest days, I have to be both.” -Ruby Francisco

“PEACE.  It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart.” -unknown

It’s been a terribly ‘off’ day.  Nothing in my world feels centered and each time I try to choose peace, chaos charges in.  Since early morning,  I have been a colorful storm of emotions; tonight, I desperately seek the rainbow.

I woke myself up from a deep sleep by loudly sobbing into my pillow.  It took me a moment to wake up and piece my dream together.  I felt such a heaviness in my spirit; I was yearning for a quick fix to clear my head and heart.  I transcribed my dream with as many details as I could recall into my notes and headed out in the brisk morning air to walk.  The walk was short, I longed for peace and God connection.  I went to my favorite spot behind the shed and sat in the sun.  I was intentional in picking my prayer spot, I like to remind myself that I’m literally, ‘walking in the son’.  I spent a good amount of time there considering my dream and I actually read it out loud to God.

In reading my dream aloud, it was obvious that I had blended several issues that are bothering me during wakeful hours into one crazy, scary, heavy dream.  The subconscious can be it’s own monster I guess.  Details of my dream aren’t what bothered me most; the feelings I had upon waking threw me into a tizzy.  I’ve discussed them a million times, I’m open with my struggles.  I wish that made them go away.  I was feeling overwhelmingly unworthy, ashamed, resentful, mistrustful and sad.

We must travel through our feelings to get to a better place, right?  I really didn’t want to travel through…I’ve been here more times than I can count.  Nonetheless, here I was.  I am aware that my M.O. when I’m feeling these things is to grip the reigns tighter; get ‘control’ where I can in my life; withdraw or pick arguments and maybe throw in a few oreos for good measure.  It’s not like we plan to do these self destructive behaviors, but they are comfortably convenient and familiar, so why not?

I’ll tell you why not…because I am worthy of the best life for me.  My kiddos are going to get to see their momma continue to not just survive, but thrive.  How awesome in theory this sounds, yet living it is another story.  Here is where the first rainbow of the day came in.  My dearest friend called and processed through this with me.  I sought wisdom from my precious Momma.  I have a new very special friend who was extremely patient and kind with my verbal vomit; and is still my special friend this evening.  Best of all was my overwhelming guilt for reaching out to God only while I’m in a valley and forgetting him on the mountaintops (I believe this was ‘ironically’ part of the message at church last week.)

I had the opportunity after this mini journey through hell to settle in and work on a school project.  Instead, I made myself a brilliant to do list where the biggest task was to, “Save the World!”  This should be a big joke, yet I get so caught up in taking care of everyfreakingone that it’s really not.  I sat down to start typing and began to feel extremely nauseous.  It’s just a little antibiotic side effect, and although little, it was awfully distracting.  I decided to go do a load of laundry and take the sheets off my bed.  Oh yes…I needed to add a few things to my said to do list.  I have a washer to do laundry, a comfy cozy bed with warm blankets to sleep on, hands to write a to do list with….more rainbows!

My son’s girlfriend came over.  I was visiting with the two of them for a bit, before I resumed my project.  There was a knock at the door.  I was surprised to find that rather than a friend; it was a very angry man who believed my dog attacked his son.  Long story short, I was terrified as were the kids.  I called the police and it seemed like they took forever to arrive.  In the meantime, my brother in law and dear neighbors came.  I am still feeling horrible tonight for involving them, I didn’t know if this man was dangerous, I only knew he was out of control yelling, cursing and pounding on my doors and windows.  The situation was resolved, my kids were horrified as was I.  However, definite rainbows here.  First, my 16 year old son totally stepped up and directed his girlfriend and I to stay put in the bathroom so he could make sure the police were really here.  He is brave, he is a protector and he really does love me!  Sometimes 16 makes that hard to remember.  I am incredibly blessed to have friends and family that will rush to aid us and thank God for the police officers.  On a deeper level, this is the first time I have not felt safe since Nathan left our home and it has just left me feeling the teeniest bit emptier than I like.  My brother is here with us tonight….yet another rainbow for which I am grateful.

I stubbed my toe when running into the bathroom this afternoon and half of my entire toenail on my big toe came off a little bit ago.  There was blood…my blood.  I am not a fan of my blood and my sweet 12 year old daughter doctored me up.  She is sunshine, rainbow, goodness and love.

I am a bundle of uncertainty right now.  That’s okay.  I remind myself that I have to be certain of nothing but uncertainty.   I am blogging; I have accomplished not one iota of my project or my bills. (Our Christmas tree is now decorated and the nativity set is up….priorities!)   Tomorrow is a new day.  It’s on my to do list to find my sanity….I might be looking for a while.

Blessings all.

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