The Ugly Thing

There is this  ‘thing’ that keeps coming up for me in various, uncertain forms.  This icky, ugly ‘thing’, I think…is rejection.  It’s not even tangible rejection…it’s the feeling that overwhelms me when something just doesn’t go right.  Of course, we all have tapes and feelings, this rejection seems to be the one I am massively struggling with right now.

• I got in an argument with one of my closest friends.  I attempted to offer something I believed would be fun.  My friend interpreted the intention of my offer as negative; absolutely different than I had hoped for.
• One of my precious children is in the habit of meeting anything and everything that comes from me as “stupid, retarded (no, the approval of this word isn’t mom approved), mentally unstable, ‘boosted’ (my current favorite use of teen slang), ridiculous….any term or attitude this kid can pick to deliver an effective gut punch works.
• The cable company refuses to let me out of the two year contract (that I swear I never agreed to), despite my willingness to write a letter of financial hardship…because, you know, my bill will certainly make or break their huge corporate business.
• The scale in my house keeps computing numbers that do not match the effort I am putting into healthy eating.
• On a bigger scale, my D I V O R C E is nearly final and this makes a series of tapes scream loud enough in my brain to drown out any notion of rationale I might grip onto.

These are just a few examples.  Unfortunately, they occur in a bundle because recognizing one form of rejection triggers a memory of another rejection and it just all snowballs together.  In all honesty, I have been pretty nasty to myself  lately in the constant chatter that goes on between my head and heart.

• My friend doesn’t react like I’d anticipated?  I must really be naive and dumb…why would I have ever thought my initial idea would be fun?  No wonder my friend rejected my idea, I’m expecting that he’ll reject my friendship next.
• My child probably hates me.  Don’t take it personal?  This is normal for this age.  Is it or have I screwed up again?  It’s likely I have screwed up.  Most children might go through a phase, yet I’m sure mine really does wish for a different Mom and probably is deserving of a better one.
• The cable company is going to win, face it.  Their corporation has more power than I do, they don’t care what I believe I agreed or didn’t agree to.    I am small and insignificant in this.
• I will never win the battle against the scale.  Maybe I should just give up.  Trying to find contentedness where I am and still want to find my place of best health is exhausting.
• D I V O R C E…enough said.  This was never my dream and there are days I accept it and acknowledge it’s best.  Other days, I get swallowed up in what it says about me to not be able to hold my marriage and family together.

In all of these, I do not hear the truth.  I hear gut wrenching, heart tearing lies.  Today , the lies are louder.  Rejection tells me I am not enough, I am not worth doing hard, I am not acceptable as I am and I probably never will be.

Logically, I know the other side.  The truth would tell me I am more than enough, it assures me that numbers aren’t everything, some things have nothing to do with me but everything to do with another, I am a great Mom and I am worthy.  I will get out of this, I don’t want to be Eeyore for long.

I am accepting where I am today but have no plans of staying in this place.  It’s okay…it’s a hard day and hard days must come.  What to do?  Reaching up, reaching out and reaching in….the journey continues….