I am Nearly 45 and Exactly Where I am Supposed to Be…
Almost 45, and a little over one year ago, I was handed a “gift” that I tried with everything in me to return. My husband of 18 years asked for a divorce…again…and this time, I conceded. We had taken turns putting divorce on the table yet one of us always stayed grounded and talked the other down. This time was different, I knew that my only choice was to let go. Heartbreak had become a too comfortable friend and we were both weary. I knew that he was trusting me enough to ask for what he truly felt he needed, I finally recognized that I loved him enough to graciously (a process indeed) give him what he was asking for.
In June, my sweet husband moved out of our family home and into his own apartment. July brought the death of my precious Daddy, who had fought a brave battle with Alzheimer’s for 12 years. August was full of transitions for the kids, one beginning a new journey with homeschooling and the other entering high school. September was the beginning of returning to full time work for me. In October, my precious Momma sold the home we all grew up in with she and Daddy and moved to a new home of her own. Alas, November and December brought bittersweet holiday celebrations, as we all adjusted to the consequential firsts that come with change.
Whew! I have to catch my breath just remembering. This is life though, right? It’s full of change. Joy in the suffering, lightness in the dark, triumph in the tragedy, beauty out of ashes and growth out of doing hard. We have to search for the gifts…seek out the God in all of it. Man, that is tough.
Only now am I beginning to get my feet back on the ground (that’s giving myself a ton of grace) and barely able to reach out my arms, hands open, ready to receive. Only now am I embracing trace amounts of gratitude for my journey. Only now….and this is okay, for only now is all we ever have.
Countless gifts in the mix, and the one gift that keeps re-emerging as a theme in my life is the opportunity to believe that I AM ENOUGH. Despite a delay in my cooperation, I am now absorbing the truth that until I believe this and until I truly love myself, I don’t have all of me to offer anyone else. I wonder if I ever have truly and fully loved me for me, just as I am? Even if I never opt to offer myself to another in a romantic relationship, isn’t it just as significant to offer myself the fullness of this kind of love? I think, yes.
I am exceptionally gifted at meeting others where they are and loving them well. On the other hand, I am extremely inadept at doing so for myself. I have an ongoing list of things I want in a future partner/relationship. Ironically, all of the things I am seeking in someone else are things I really am seeking for myself within my own heart.
It is my soul’s desire to reconnect with God in a way that my human self has forgotten to do. I know that He loves me and sees me in a light that I cannot easily fathom; I yearn to have a glimpse of that view.
Here I am…nearly 45…with amazing opportunities before me. This year is stunningly different than last year and next year will be incomparable. I don’t know what all of this means, I just know this life is a one time gift and I intend to live it well.
“When you start to feel like things should have been better this year, remember the mountains and valleys that got you here, they are not accidents and those moment’s weren’t in vain.
You are not the same you, you have grown and you are growing, you are breathing, you are living.
You are wrapped in
and things will get better, there is more to you than yesterday.